A
female
age
41-50,
*anuary81
writes:I have met a really lovely guy. We have only had two dates so far but they have both been amazing. However before our dates I found out he has a few girls on the scene that he calls just for sex. He knew I knew about it so the conversation came up. He told me he doesnt care about these girls and they dont mean anything and that it has been going on for years. He said he really liked me and that he has a lot of respect for me and wouldnt treat me the way he treats them. We then went onto have a great night. However the same night he also told me he has serious health problems and that he has been told by doctors that he will die at a young age. I was rather shocked as he just came out with it. He was rather blazay and seemed to make light of it. Am not sure because he has had this problem for years that its the way he deals with it (i.e being up front and making a joke of it). Anyway to cut a long story short he then told me a few days later that the relationship that he has with these girls isnt going to end anytime soon so would rather be honest with me and cut whatever we have short. I am baffled as we had such a great time and told me how much he liked me and that these other girls dont mean anything. I want to know if it is the reason that he has just changed his mind about me or is it deeper than that and he doesnt want to have a relationship because of the health issues that he has and maybe having casual relationships with these girls is all he wants as he cant commit in the long term anyway. I am hoping the latter because then doesnt make me feel as bad that I got dumped out the blue for no reason but maybe it is not and he has just gone off me. I want to know if having a serious health problem affects your decision to enter into a relationship?Please help me I really like this guy and secretly hoping he will change his mind and want to see me again. Really looking forward to hearing from you. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): I wouldn't bother with him. Illness or not, a lovely close relationship with someone is better than lots of casual flings. He sounds as if he wants to have it all ways. Don't let yourself be used, I would leave him to live his life in his own way and you go find someone nice who you can be exclusive with.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): He may be lying about his health problems so that he can ditch you or whatever at some point down the road. Anyone who sleeps around is a bad bet period. He is careless with himself and disrespectful to others. Find someone else.
Plenty of people who have long term and serious health issues do enter into relationships.
I think he is suspect and that you should move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): I suppose there could be a psychological reason why he sleeps casually with a number of women.I suppose his honestly and even his blaze attitude might hide a certain fear or insecurity. But, even if you knew the psychological reason, it really wouldn't help you. He's already told you specifically he doesn't want a relationship with you.Honestly, he sounds like a really bad prospect for a relationship. First off, you are basically asking to catch an STD if you sleep with this guy. There are tons that you can still catch even while wearing protection; herpes, HPV, etc. If he has multiple casual sexual partners, it's only a matter of time before you catch something.And, he sound immature. I'm not even sure if he wasn't just lying/being sarcastic about the illness.Some guys are still stuck in a phase where they can only sleep with woman they can't respect. The prospect of having a relationship with someone they might actually like would be too much for them to handle. For all his honesty, he sounds like a coward.Let him go.
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A
female
reader, lemonyliz  +, writes (1 February 2011):
I have a serious illness, it's controllable so it's not exactly life threatening, unless it were to get out of control. Undoubtedly though I have had some near death experiences and will probably die younger than most and it definitely factors into my dating choices. I went through (and may still be going through) a phase where I tend to push people away because getting involved can be scary especially when you are vulnerable.
Often when people feel vulnerable or different they get concerned with controlling their surroundings in such a way that others don't "know" or can't "see" their differences. So as much as he told you he was sick, he would never want you to see it or be affected by it because it makes him uncomfortable. Having shallow relationships or short term ones helps keep people at arms length and therefore, keeps them from seeing your weaknesses. I would say that this may have been what happened-- though he could also just be a jerk who is using his medical situation as an excuse.
I would say move on. One way or the other, he probably isn't in a place to date in any real sense.
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A
female
reader, its ok +, writes (1 February 2011):
I would think most definately,but having said that,sick or not,he dosnt sound like a nice guy-he may treat you ok but a nice person wouldnt use these other girls for sex and mess them around for years-how would you feel if you were them?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): 2 dates, he has women, he doesn't want a relationship, but you do? He hasn't dumped you, you had an imaginary relationship, he`s realised the need to get away because he doesnt do relationships. You had 2 dates, what would you have been like in 2 months? You need to love and respect yourself and should expect a higher standard than that. You have built something up that didn't exist. Move on and get over it, I bet he has.
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