A
female
age
41-50,
*ajunlady
writes:How do you know when you have been seeing someone on and off for 17 years, what the actual relationship status is? It started off as just sex, but now it seems to be growing into something more...or at least to me. He talks to his friends about me, but not sure of what exactly is said. He asks me if talk to my friends about him. I don't though. So why am I questioning everything now?? We talk every couple of days on the phone. Meet when we can. I just don't know exactly what to think. Not sure how I feel, so I am NOT going to ask him any "feeling questions". HELP!! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (2 February 2011):
 So at what point did it become about sex? You mentioned in your post that it started off as a FWB.
You know cajunlady, half my family happens to be from Louisiana, and the cajun women I know wouldn't take that kind of crap from any men. In fact, they run the show.
A
female
reader, cajunlady +, writes (2 February 2011):
cajunlady is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt didn't go anywhere in the beginning because I was 17 years old. He was older, and I only saw him that one time, till two years later. We didn't even live in the same town. It is a situation where we kept running into one another. Once I was married, me, my husband, him, and the woman he has been living with would hang out. He let me know he was interested and I couldn't, because I was married, but every once in a while would remind me. He has called me during my seperations just to check on me. There was no talk of sex. When my dad fell ill, he called me to let me know how sorry he was. He is not a lovey, dovey person. Never has been. Just trying to figure this out.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (1 February 2011):
Ahhh, impertinent information that was left out. It's always best to tell the whole story.
So before you met your husband, you had a FWBs arrangement with this guy..it was put on hold for 11 years and now you're wanting it to go somewhere. My point is it didn't go anywhere in the beginning, even before you got married, and you think there's a chance it might go somewhere now? Sure anything is possible, but the odds of this turning into an actual relationship isn't in your favor.
Lay your cards out on the table, tell him exactly what you want. See if he agrees, or if he tries to pull the FWB crap again. If he wants nothing but a FWB then you have your answer, even 17 years later it's not going to turn into what you have in mind.
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A
female
reader, cajunlady +, writes (1 February 2011):
cajunlady is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was married for 11 years of this. He was my husband's best friend, but we met before my husband and I did. We did not see each other while I was married. He has been in a relationship..mom of his girl...but they are no longer. It is like we are starting over even though we have been around each other all this time. Tension was there.. we just didn't go with it because I was married and I couldn't. But now I am divorced and I want to see if this goes anywhere.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (1 February 2011):
17 years later on and off, and you're just now trying to figure out the status? You should have figured that out 16 years and 10 months ago.
If it started off as sex, then it sounds like a FWB, casual sex, no strings attached deal to me. Let me put it this way, if he wanted something more don't you think he would have established a relationship by now? Instead of dragging you along on again, off again for 17 years.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): I've heard a fair amount of women wonder at 2 or 3 months into a relationship where they stand with the man in question... but 17 YEARS? Do yourself a huge favor, and ask him straight out. After nearly two decades with this man it is NOT clingy or unreasonable of you to want a clear answer about this.
Whether his answer aligns with what you were hoping to hear from him (whatever that may be) will guide your actions from there. Best of luck :)
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A
female
reader, Br1dgette +, writes (31 January 2011):
Well I think you've definitely reached a point of no return. It's obvious that whatever it is the relationship is or is not becoming needs to be openly defined. I think I would just come out and ask him what he wants from you guys relationship. If he says he wants something you aren't willing to give than there you go. It's perhaps a better idea to decide what it is that you want before asking him though. I'm sure he'll be responding asking you the same question. It's about time to figure it out huh?
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