A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear all,I'm in need of some outside input! I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 6 years and 4 of them were long distance. I'm not talking city to city long distance, I'm talking halfway around the world long distance. I know some people would say that LDR don't work, but we're still together so I'm hoping this is a positive sign. This year, I moved to his location in order to pursue my career and also to be with him and naturally, we've been quite happy together, since in our home country it's harder for us to see each other (family obligations, etc). We don't live together, but I visit his place sometimes. Now my boyfriend has a female friend who's a co-worker and they used to carpool to work. I'll call her D. They've been friends ever since my bf moved to his current job, so about 4 years. I'm not really a person who gets jealous over girls around my bf because I find it's a waste of time and energy, so I never really thought much about it. Being friends with D was a benefit for my bf because she had a car and was able to take him to supermarkets on weekends to grocery shop. D also would help him move his belongings when he moved locations. All in all, I'd say she was a pretty good friend. I would often tell my bf to treat her to meals and be nicer to her (he sometimes tells her really abruptly to come over and pick him up or that she's late - I hear the conversation over VOIP) since she's his friend and is doing him a favour. Of course, my bf did, but still his attitude didn't really change (still rather abrupt and a little mean, in my opinion). My bf told me he had mentioned me to her previously and so when I met D I assumed naturally that she was okay with me as she didn't show signs of annoyance, etc. It was slightly awkward for me as she and my bf would laugh over inside jokes and talk about mutual friends. This, too, I assumed, was normal since obviously she was his friend. That's not to say I didn't pick up on a slight flirtation coming from her side.In fact, the first year my bf and D became friends, I already wondered if she liked him. Afterall, why should she do all of what she does for him? My bf always laughed and said that there was nothing but friendship. Going back to the original story: D and I started talking and somehow ended up on long distance relationship. D said very firmly that "long distance relationships never work" and without thinking, I said "well X and I have been in a relationship for 6 years and some of them long distanced and we're still together." She continued to insist that they never work out and so I dropped it. A week later, my bf receives a call from her and she's a little crazy on the other end.She asks him if he's going to call her or if he's going to avoid her (he didn't call her for a few days because we were out) and that she wants to end their friendship. So naturally, my bf goes out that evening to reason with her and to see what exactly the issue is. He comes back and says that I might have taken it too far by saying that our relationship is working out great and rubbed it in her face. The entire time they were out, D kept asking questions about our relationship. I got a little defensive since I did not say how long we'd been together for malicious purposes. I did not mean to rub it into her face, as I thought she KNEW we've been together for all that time. He then said that I should keep our private life private and it was things like this which makes him keep his friends away from me as his friendship with D is extremely terse and probably unmendable.This really hurts me as I don't really see how I could have created the issue. In the first place, I think it was my bf's fault for NOT clearing it up with D. He says that she forgot that he had a girlfriend, but I always think because he likes to keep his private life private, he came across as a suitor for D. Although D did not say that she liked him, I believe she did and is having a meltdown because she thought he was available. Still, it doesn't stop me from feeling guilty and cross. Don't get me wrong, I'm not jealous of D at all, but I do feel like "the other woman", in a sense.Do you think it's my fault for them "breaking" their friendship? Was I wrong in mentioning how long we had been together? I'm really unhappy with the entire situation and I feel somehow I'm to blame.I would appreciate any advice! Thank you.
View related questions:
co-worker, flirt, jealous, long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, virgin18  +, writes (24 October 2012):
 Ok so this is what I think. You don't have to feel guilty at all, I find it really interesting that your bf would get mad at you for supposedly hurting the girl's feelings. She was the one going off on you about the fact that long distance relationships do not work (that is insensible on her part), the only thing you did was to state you opinion on the subject (since she very strongly gave you hers). I agree with some of the responses here, you definetely have to be careful about that bf of yours, the fact that he took her side raises red flags and the fact that he spends so much time with him also raises to many red flags too (doing groceries together? her asking him why he doesn't call her after a few day? WHAT?). Also, no matter how private a guy is, introducing his girlfriend to his closest friends is a MAJOR milestone in a relationship, so once more that raises another big red flag. I think you have all the right to talk to him and ask him if he has feeling for that girl, and whether he has ever had anything going on with her. His actions are the questionable ones here NOT yours. The first thing bf does when he meets a new friend, both guys and girls, is to talk about me (we've been together for 2 years). And my bf is very private, he doesn't even have a facebook because he doesn't want anybody to intrude in his life (we also live together too).So think a little more on the situation and try to talk to him about it please, because nothing you said about that whole situation with that girl sounds right to me. Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): Hi all! This is the original poster. I wanted to say thank you for the replies here and give you a quick update.D and my bf are still friends which is a little awkward for me. She still drives him on occasion - when it's basically on her way, but she won't go out of the way to drive him now. I know she was (and probably still is) hurt. My bf still insists that it was because I was insensitive to her feelings when I made the "we've been together for X years" comment. I told him that it's not my fault that she's sensitive to that as I just only met her and I knew nothing about her let alone what irks her. If he had told her about me, as I assumed, she would have already known and this wouldn't be an issue. I don't want to be the girlfriend who watches her bf like a hawk or eye any other girl like she's getting too close to my eggs. It takes too much effort to be suspicious and in any case, I know he doesn't have time to have another relationship. I hate to put it this way because I'm very much a person who believes in inner beauty, but D isn't the kind of girl that a lot of guys would be physically attracted to. Her personality is also kind of dull. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't call myself drop dead gorgeous. I believe that she could be beautiful to the right guy since "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" but it's apparent that she doesn't get attention from the other gender based on looks. Another "friend" of theirs actually insulted her looks without really realizing it. He was playing "Hot or Not" with the passerbys and another person asked him what he thought of D and the reply was "well, if she's lucky, she'll date a friend". However, I can kind of see D's point in a way as being single (when you don't want to be) and not having your feelings returned by a guy who is already taken can be quite taxing on the heart. I don't believe she's ever dated and with our age group heading closer to 30, she might be feeling the pressure from friends/families to find a mate. I'm not a person who cares if I'm single or not since I'm pretty independent and never thought that I needed to get married, so perhaps my comment was insensitive to someone who did care. So my bf and I compromised. He admitted he was wrong to use D like he did and that he was wrong to say that I should stay away from his friends (I've only met 1, and that was D). I promised to watch what I say more carefully. I know my boyfriend is loyal to me and that he has no interest in D romantically. I still get bouts of irritation when I hear of her and he knows that she's not going to be my favourite person anytime soon. We've worked it out that if she offers to go grocery shopping, he will go alone with her for the time being. He's planning on getting a car so he won't have to rely on D anymore. Do you think there's anything I should address with my bf? Or perhaps there's something else I need to look out for?
...............................
A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (20 February 2011):
 I agree with everything Aunt Honesty has said! You have done absolutely nothing wrong, and you should not apologize for your comment to D.
As Aunt Honesty mentioned, I think there is more to your boyfriend’s relationship with D then he is telling you. In fact, I think this is what you should be asking advice about. The way I see it, your boyfriend became romantically involved with D while you were living elsewhere for 4 years. She knew about you, but he rarely talked about you in order to keep D happy. Now that you have moved closer to your boyfriend, he has to juggle his relationships and keep both of you content. No wonder he wants to keep his friends away from you. There are too many red flags here.
If I were you, I’d call D, or ask her to meet you somewhere, so you can talk. Be nice to her, but ask her if there was ever anything romantic going on between her and your boyfriend. Reassure her you are not angry with her, you just want to know the dynamics of their relationship. Are you willing to have a talk with D?
Also, how much time has your boyfriend spent with D since this argument?
Please let us know what you decide to do!
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 February 2011):
 Ok yeah its really obvious she had feelings for him and that is why she flew of the handle, but also when it comes to your boyfriend he should have made it clear to him that the friendship was pure platonic. It sounds to me like he never mentioned you as he was enjoying the attention she gave him maybe.
Ok hunny honestly you are not to blame at all for there friendship ending. You never meant it in a malicious way at all and you were only making conversation. So please dont blame yourself, you have done NOTHING wrong. In fact the only person in the wrong here is your boyfriend for not setting D straight from the start and telling her he was in a relationship. Also you may not like to hear this but are you sure he wasnt with her as more than a friend? This is something that you should question. Goodluck Hunny.
...............................
|
