A
female
age
,
*hiannnon
writes:I recently had a break down in a relationship and am struggling with feelings of guilt and regret, I am 64 and my "boy"friend was same age. He was in rented lovely cottage in great location but very expensive, he had lost his property previously during divorce and collapse of his business. He was understandably very bitter about this and angry with his ex wife. He suggested us living together I was wary as I have my own house, no mortgage, as I have paid off now. He resented me working as less time for him - In short he wanted me to sell my house and get a mortgage on a bigger one that he could pay off instead of rent -I did not feel this would be a good idea it made me feel nervous.Shortly after he ended our relationship , citing me working too much, us not living together, not enough time, all my fault. I ended up feeling really bad. Do you think I was unfair?
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a break, divorce, ex-wife, his ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, rhiannnon +, writes (8 March 2022):
rhiannnon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHuge thanks to you all, I am feeling better day by day. R.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2022): "Then the next day sent me an email once again rather like a school report listing my faults and how I had wrecked our relationship ( it was over two years ) and had been really lovely. Then in the final line said that he would consider a relationship with me if I promised to never hurt him again."
The old coot is trying his best to get that bigger house at your expense! He knows he hurt your feelings, and he's playing on your emotions. That's how gaslighting works. You make someone feel small, you make them feel inadequate, or foolish; and then you make them feel everything that goes wrong is their fault. Hoping to use the fear of loneliness as leverage. You're not some desperate old fool!
Ignore that old sourpuss; and let him go scam somebody else! He must be livid, because he couldn't pull one over on you! He thought for sure you were a sucker!
Ha, ha, ha! The Old Coot played himself!!!
Block all his calls, messages, and emails. You don't need his insults. He's like a big carbuncle on your bum! He needs to go dry-up somewhere else!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2022): The emails are totally manipulative. Trying to get you to agree to his terms by agreeing to entering into a relationship with you again if you comply with everything he wants.
Nice try.
Well done you for not falling into his patronising, manipulative trap.
I was with a man for five years who was extraordinarily abusive and he would behave like this. Try to make me feel as if I was at fault when he was behaving like an arsehole.
Try not to regret anything about this relationship finishing. Congratulate yourself that you got out relatively unscathed. He would not have stopped at your finances. He would have controlled every aspect of your life.
Move on, happily, and blow him a big fat raspberry out the figurative rear view mirror. He is annoyed that he didn't manage to control you. Those emails were another attempt.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 March 2022):
 Wow, OP
You dodged a missile there!
Did he actually write you a long report of all YOUR faults? That is hilarious.
Good for you to stand firm.
I can see why you were unsure if ending it was wrong if it seemed good for two years. If looking back do you think it seemed good because YOU always gave in, in the past? Or because he tried harder to be a good partner back then?
Either way, GOOD for you to tell him good luck, have a nice life, and then no more. There is nothing to fix here. YOU can do better. Even on your own.
What a clown!
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A
female
reader, rhiannnon +, writes (4 March 2022):
rhiannnon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi I am so grateful to all of you, yes Anonymous business owner, yes I agree entirely the regret about losing the relationship, and I have been very upset, he was so attentive and kind originally then a completely different side appeared in those last weeks. I know we all have our "otherside" but this was extreme, like jekyll and hyde.
Agree Anonymous and thank you for your strong wise woman words, luckily I had not told him about savings I have, nor about the inheritance I might receive.
I have much to be grateful for and am gradually feeling myself, I think I felt so amazed to find someone I could have feelings for at this time in my life, I have realised how important financial stability /independence is with another, or at least that they are happy with their lot regardless.
Thank you all.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (4 March 2022):
 I think that you 100% did the right thing here, no wonder his marriage fell apart, he sounds like very high maintenance.
Just think to yourself that you really did dodge a bullet here, and now onwards and upwards.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (4 March 2022):
 Good grief!
The man is far worse than I originally thought.
You handled this with class, OP, and you ABSOLUTELY did the right thing.
Well done!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2022): Smart move. You did the right thing.
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A
female
reader, rhiannnon +, writes (3 March 2022):
rhiannnon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for taking the time to share your advice with an upset stranger , he did a good job getting me to feel like I had let him down, it was a horrible break up that went on for over a month . Eventually he dumped me in a particularly cruel way . Then the next day sent me an email once again rather like a school report listing my faults and how I had wrecked our relationship ( it was over two years ) and had been really lovely. Then in the final line said that he would consider a relationship with me if I promised to never hurt him again . At this point I replied with a well I’m sorry I hurt you but that’s not a promise I can make have a nice life . He emailed one more time which I ignored . That was two months ago . I have really struggled with the emotions and your replies have really helped and made me laugh too. Thank you again .
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (3 March 2022):
 Reading your post, I suspect I know why his ex wife divorced him. Thank goodness you kept your wits about you and didn't do as he demanded of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2022): "Shortly after he ended our relationship , citing me working too much, us not living together, not enough time, all my fault. I ended up feeling really bad."
He seems to be harboring bitterness about the failures of his marriage and business. Then he comes strutting along, and wants to tell you what to do?!!
Now let me get this right. You're supposed to give-up your house, your most valuable asset, and go live with some guy who isn't even your husband? Blindly placing your faith in the proposal that he "might" payoff the larger property; after you go into debt for a larger one...at 64 years old!
"Do you think I was unfair?"
No, my dear! You were extraordinarily wise! You ducked a bullet, and remained debt-free! What if he got you in debt, and kicked the bucket? What if down the road he throws a tantrum, and decides he doesn't want you anymore? What would you do?
He's nothing but a 64 year-old man-baby! Throwing a tantrum, because you wouldn't take orders; and spend all your time at his beck and call.
That ain't love, my dear lady! That's being a control-freak! He might have been setting you up for a big scam! Never trust anyone too eager to draw you into debt or financial entanglements. He set some pretty high expectations on you; for somebody who failed at both business and a marriage!
Don't you dare let him gaslight you; or pressure you into anything! He seems like a mean old coot, with shady intentions!
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A
female
reader, QueenCupcake +, writes (3 March 2022):
 Anybody who tries to get you to sell your stability is not worth being with. He basically wanted you to have nothing to stand on, and to be fully reliant on him. No house, no job, just him. That sounds toxic to me. He’s trying to get you to make all the sacrifices for this relationship, but what is he doing for it?
If something is making you feel uncomfortable, listen to your gut instinct. I don’t think you are being unfair at all
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2022): Well done and well rid! Alarm bells ringing everywhere about this man!
Selfish and entitled. NEVER give up your independence or your financial security to a man, especially one who demands it! He didn't get what he wanted from you, i.e. more financial security, so he left to see if he could find someone more gullible.
I can see why his marriage broke down. I bet his ex wife was the one who was wronged and not him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2022): You wouldn't want to be 65 with no home and at the mercy of someone who was trying to compete with their ex wife.
It would be a disaster.
He wasn't serious about you or he would have stuck around.
He just wanted it to look as if he was doing ok by moving into a new place mostly paid for by you.
I would say to never give up your cosy home for anyone because you have all that you need where you are now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 March 2022):
I'm with Ciar, 100%!
Yes, you aBSOLUTELY did the right thing! You OWN your house and HE wanted you to sell it and then get into NEW debt in a bigger house with him?
He isn't your husband and you could end up homeless and with debt for a house with a guy who is no longer financially doing so good.
Oh and yeah, quit your job because HE needs someone there 24/7?
All for his EGO?!
I can see why his ex wife left him...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2022): NO!
You were not unfair!
How on Earth could he ask you to sell your own house?!... give up your job?!
You don't say how long you were together, but I would never ask such a thing from my husband period and we have been together for 20 years!
I have no idea what he told you about his divorce, but from what you write about your relationship with him, I can only guess that he was the same with his ex wife - selfish. Maybe she was selfish too, but that is beside the point. HE is selfish and he wanted to use you.
Good riddance!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2022): Let us be totally honest here. This is not just about you feeling guilty, you are also wondering if you should regret your decision and feel you were too hard on him because you lost him. You wonder if you would have been happier if things had continued rather than ended, and if you should have ignored your doubts and worries.
I always chuckle when a person claims to be a business person yet they have not got the business brain needed to do it successfully. Part of that is not marrying someone who can fleece you later. He was silly enough to do that. He did not use common sense over that. He is getting on and at his age he ought to be financially secure, he should not need to find another woman to come along and rescue him from going without the things he wants in life. What has he been doing all of these years. Was he working hard and just spending or not very good at what he did? Either way he is not much of a catch then.
Women often hope a man will come along and rescue them from poverty or going without, guys are often willing to do that because they hate living alone, or the woman becomes the housekeeper who dishes him up delicious meals which are far superior to the rubbish he would have otherwise - and of course a lot of men will gladly put a roof over the head of a woman in return for lots of regular sex and company.
It gets ridiculous when it is expected to be the other way around! Women do not need to pay for sex, women always find it easier to get it than men do. And if they did pay for it I very much doubt they would choose an old incompetent man for it - surely they could get someone better looking, who has more about him and is younger then.
This guy wanted the best of both worlds. He resented you for working yet he also wanted all of the things you could pay for and provide through that work.
He is, quite frankly, a loser, and a sponger.
You are better off being single for now, until you find a real man who appreciates how lucky he is to have a woman who has something about her and is more capable than many women of his age. I know plenty of older women who have never worked a day in their life, have no skills, education or qualifications, and would have no idea of how to run a business or work if it would save their life. Child like and needy individuals who would bore most successful men to tears.
My bet is that you made him realise what a loser he was.
That he was jealous that you were not just another needy woman and had more about you.
He tried to take that out of the equation by complaining that you work. Even if you had stopped working that would not have changed that you are more capable and putting more into the pot than he had any right to ask for.
I also find it interesting that he wanted you to put your money in with his, and provide for him, but he did not talk about getting married. With most older people marriage comes first. And most older men assume the finances are for them to provide and sort out. He is cherry picking the bits he wants and does not want and cannot do, leaving the unsavoury bits to you but still wanting to be the man of the house who makes the big decisions.
If you were providing the most you should be the one wearing the trousers and calling the shots.
Am sorry this did not work out for you, but you had a narrow escape.
In a way we are in a similar situation. I used to work very long hours running a very successful business with a lot of staff. I was forever meeting men who were useless or nowhere near as successful. Yet simply because they were a man they expected me to become all subservient and agreeable when they decided everything or wanted something.
Because of this I stayed single for years. I met a lot of gold diggers along the way. I own four houses and a lot of investments now, all due to my own hard work, not a penny from a man, so no man is going to come along and share it with me. This is not just about money it is also about how someone like that would bore you to tears.
Eight years ago I met a lovely man,I had given up hope of ever meeting a guy who was worthy of me, and we are together now as strong as ever. I found a way to work part time (the truth is I could easily afford to retire and not work at all but I love working). But it was my choice, I don't let anyone dictate to me. I am not a slave,subservient or robot and nor are you. If he wants a subservient woman he will find one, but I doubt she would also have a good job, a brain and a nice house, unless she had married a man who helped her get all that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2022): Unfair ? You have been wise ,prudent a dogi al.You have been fair to yourself.Which does not mean "selfish " or "cruel ". Where does it say that, if you love somebody, then you necessarily have to take stupid decisions if they ask you, or jeopardize your job , your future, your property? There have been even too many women here on DC regretting bitterly the utterly foolish things they have done for the sake of pleasing a love interest- be glad that instead you did the right thing !
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (3 March 2022):
You did the right thing!
As I was reading your post, my gut began to clench thinking you would end up saying you'd sold your home, taken out a mortgage on a bigger one, then given up your job. Much to my relief you did not!
A life partner is supposed to edify your life, not take away from it. A person who had your interest at heart, not just his own ego, would never have asked you to step out of a good position and embrace a lot of uncertainty.
You absolutely did the right thing.
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