A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, 3 years ago I started dating a Marine. We grew up near each other and were friends for several years before we started dating. We did the long distance thing for about a year when he started asking me to relocate (across country) to marry him. That meant giving up college and my life back home, something I didn't feel comfortable with and something my parents certainly didn't condone. He was also leaving for deployment meaning I would be in a new state by myself for 8 months. Because I said no to marriage right then (but made it very clear I wanted to have a life with him after he got out) he broke up with me. We had been dating for 2 years at that point.As you could imagine, I was crushed, it was my first real heartbreak and I had truly believed we were in love with each other. The break up wasn't mutual and he had been horrible to me leading up to it (ignored me for 3 weeks straight then drunkenly called and left a voicemail). After he refused to answer any of my calls in return, I gave up. That was last May. This past October I decided to give him a call because I missed him and genuinely wanted to be friends. All my friends said not to because if he wanted to talk to me and be friends he would have made the effort. His reasoning for never calling was that he figured I would never want to talk to him again after all the things he had said and done. Since then, we've talked occasionally maybe a few times a month. Here's the problem- he is done with his contract in less than 2 weeks and over the last month he has been calling and messaging me much more frequently. He has suggested a few times we try to be 'friends with benefits'. I've told him I don't think I could handle that because I would be the one to get attached and I know he would just leave me again. He assured me we would take it slow and we could stop at any point.There is a part of me that wants to try it because I still like him. But there's a larger part that is much more realistic and knows I will most likely start having feelings for him all over again. It took me over a year to move past him and I'm afraid of what will happen to me if he really is only in it for the sex. I guess I'm being wishful that maybe when he's back he'll realize how great we are together and will want to be with me. I'm afraid I'm always going to wonder 'what-if' if I don't go for it.Do you think I should even try to have a friends with benefits relationship with him or is that just setting myself up to get heartbroken again?Thank you for taking the time to read this!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 June 2013):
 I think you should RUN as far and as fast from this as you can
IF you sleep with him and he's remotely nice to you, it will get you thinking that it could be all that you want it to be.
Even if he's not that nice to you it will get you hoping that it will be all what you want again.
IT NEVER WILL.
DO NOT have sex with him
and I see no need to have any contact with him to be honest.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 June 2013):
 Do not go there, Girlfriend. FWB relationships are bullshit. There are no "what ifs" involved, just certainties.
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A
female
reader, queenadelaide  +, writes (18 June 2013):
Going into a friends with benefits situation with someone you have feelings for is asking for trouble. There's nothing in it for you but a reopening of old wounds. He has known you long enough to decide whether he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Even with all the knowledge he has, he has come to the conclusion that he only wants to be friends with benefits. BELIEVE HIM. Don't hope that you can change his mind by having more sex with him. You did that for two years and he left you. He didn't wait for you to get your life to the best start possible.He didn't even initiate contact!I know you don't want to hear this - but having sex with him won't change his lack of feelings for you. Being friends with him won't prove to him what he's lost - you should stop making emotional investments into this friendship when you know you're secretly hoping to woo him back. It's not healthy for you. It's a convenient shag for him.He does not love you! That chapter in his life is over.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 June 2013):
 Oh brilliant- so you are going to give him what he wants ( but you don't really want ) for what ?... As a reward for having been a perfect selfish asshole , and as an incentive to do even worse once he realizes he's just got to whistle and you'll run ?
Wishful thinking ? I'd say you win the Wishful Thinker of the Month award. According to you, you were so great together even before, and it was just enough that you said no once to his requests ( no compromise, no negotiations, no being understanding ) for him to drop you like a scolding potato , and in a mean spiteful way too.
So ( beside the fact that now he wants you back, not to be great together, but just to get lad ) even if you should be great together again, what would prevent him from doing just the same the first time he's in a bad mood ?
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A
female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts  +, writes (18 June 2013):
 OP, it shouldn't take sex for some guy to realise how great you are. You shouldn't just have sex with him, hoping that he'll eventually fall deeply in love with you.
Personally, I think a FWB situation is not a great idea, because as you've stated, you still like him. The fact that he has suggested a FWB instead of rekindling your relationship shows that he isn't as emotionally invested as you are, and that makes it even more likely for your heart to be broken.
I would suggest you reject his offer of a FWB. If you like, once he returns, you can hang out with him as friends and see if there is any chance at all of a real relationship. If all he wants is FWB, then I'm sure you can find a better guy out there ;)
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