A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now and he's been struggling with how many past partners I have. I was date raped in my bed and have obviously had other sexual encounters in it. One day at random my boyfriend told me he doesn't want to lay in my bed because of the men who have been in it before and it hurts him to lay in the bed I was raped in. He's known about the rape and my past since the first month we were dating. It's been a couple days and he still won't lay in my bed, he wants me to buy a new mattress and new bedding. Is he right for feeling this way? Or is he overreacting? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (18 June 2013):
The bed is a trigger for these types of thoughts. If its not too much trouble, Id get rid of it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2013): "Is he right for feeling this way?"
As a man who dated more than one rape victim I can tell you it's neither right nor wrong to feel that way it just is. Frankly I wish they'd never told me as it took a long time for me to get over. We simply can't help it OP, how would you feel to find out something so soul destroying about the person you love? It hurts us profoundly OP, more than women will ever understand because they obviously have their own pain of the actual act to deal with. In a way OP it feels like it happened to us, it really can be that bad. I cried myself to sleep for a good while after being told the first time. It plays like a movie in our heads, constantly going round and round and haunting us.
Every time we come across something similar we think about it. If you were drunk at the time any time we see you with a drink in your hand it reminds us of what happened.
You tell me is it really a matter of right or wrong in feeling that way?
"Or is he overreacting?"
OP how can you overreact to rape? What person in their right mind with a good set of morals wouldn't react that way? It's the most disgusting crime imaginable.
Frankly OP I don't know how you can even imagine a guy being okay with sleeping in the bed where his girlfriend was raped. I mean that's similar to asking a mother to sleep in the bed her son was murdered in. Would you think that an overreaction?
Op every time he sees that bed guess what goes through his head?
Every time you get intimate in it he's left wondering if that's how the guy did it to you etc. Worried that he may trigger a memory or do something so similar you get disgusted by him.
Changing the bed would help a lot OP, that bed is a visual symbol of you as a rape victim. Why would you not want to get rid of it yourself? Is it not a painful reminder to you too? I mean that guys juices are probably still embedded in the mattress and you want your boyfriend to feel comfortable sleeping on that? Sleeping on the bed where you were raped? That boggles my mind OP.
One thing I've noticed about rape victims OP is they never understand how their partner can react so strongly or that it lasts so long when they themselves had moved on. One particular ex kept telling me it shouldn't be that bad for me, but she had 10 years to come to terms with happened, for me it pretty much happened the day she told me, and it is only from that day that I had to start coming to terms with it.
It's rather simple OP, your boyfriend is finding your past very hard to deal with at the moment, to the point where he can't even look at that bed without feeling tortured, getting rid of it would go a long way to helping him get over that. It will mean one less thing in his face constantly reminding him of it and it would symbolize a fresh start for you and him. It won't stop the feelings completely of course but it will go a long to helping him. Is that worth the price of a new bed for you? That's what you must consider.
With all due respect to Maraib she doesn't seem to get that rape doesn't only affect the victim, it is utterly soul destroying for the people that love them too. It's not just the victim who needs to deal with the mental fallout from it.
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A
female
reader, Mariab  +, writes (18 June 2013):
 I really don't believe that changing the mattress will change how he feels about your past ... maybe he thinks it will ...but I doubt that! If you can afford to change it then do but I would be surprised if this will miraculously change his perspective of past events.
I think the real problem is that he is not ready to deal with an issue as real as rape and can't understand the ordeal that it is to the victim. You need to talk to him and see what his real issues are. Changing sheets and mattress is a symbolic gesture but it does nothing to alter the events that passed and you could end up with a new mattress and still have the same problems to deal with. Good luck hun xx
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (18 June 2013):
 Hi, if you can afford one, I would recommend you change the bed. Yes it does not disolve the scars but its like trying to make a fresh start.
If it affects him, then change the environment. It does bother him that you were raped and maybe you both need councilling even if it happened before the BF came in your life.
If you love him and want to make things work start compromising and talk about it. But he also needs to be sensitve to your feelings after all you are the one that suffered the ordeal.
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