A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Well I was dating a guy for a month. It was a LDR and on the third date, I had to spend the night at his, due to distance. The date did not go too well, we had a bit of a falliing out but made up. In the night, he said he would prepare the spare room for me, but in the night I discovered the spare room bed was not done and unsurprisingly we ended up sleeping together.Three days later he phones to end it, saying we are not compatible I got very angry and told him he "pumped and dumped". He said he acted with integrity.Do you think I have any right to be angry? Or was I to blame for my naivity? Was he a player? I dont know what to make of this, or is it just a life lesson?
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (16 May 2013):
Well, he didn't really do anything wrong in the way he didn't force you to do anything you didn't want to do. You made the choice to have sex with him. You made that call. So if you're going to be mad, be mad at yourself for letting yourself get used and learn from it. When a guy wants sex, there's almost nothing he won't do or say to convince you to sleep with him. It's up to you to guard your boundaries.
Never be swayed by big promises and such: they don't mean anything early in a relationship because YOU don't mean anything to him early in the relationship Sure, guys with integrity would never have done this, but this man could have easily been sidestepped. No man has ever made me do what I didn't want to do. I stick to my guns and I don't care if they jump high or low or use the guilt trip card on me.
This is easy if you have figured out exactly what you're comfortable with and anticipate the possible consequences of your choices. So for example, if you're not comfortable with the possibility that he's only in it to have sex, then holding out is the most logical decision to make. Think in consequences, then make a choice. This way of doing things has not led me astray so far.
Let this be a lesson, but don't spend too much time being angry with this jerk, because he isn't worthy of your time.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2013): I would chalk it up as a lesson. You both acted kind of impulsively. You just met, had a falling out, already werent getting along, and even so slept together. Its not like he drugged you. You both knew what you were doing.
Sex doesn't change the way a guy feels about you. If you are already not getting along and then have sex with him, he is still going to feel the way he did about you before the sex.
He was probably planning on blowing you off after the falling out even previous to the sex.
So lesson learned: sex does not change the way a guy feels. So be sure he has real feelings for you before jumping into bed with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2013): As a 23 year old female. It is your fault, you are older now so Yoi shouod know better. You put yourself on that situation and you are worth so much more thannthia. If you do not respect yourself who will? Doesnt matter what he SAYS! You are a grown girl you decided to open your legs so you must adhere to what happens. It was only 3 dates, so you cannot expect some kind of commitment. Take this as a life lesson
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 May 2013):
 Life lesson.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2013): My friend and I met this guy in a club. He was really gorgeous and told my friend that she was the one for him, they would have kids, get married everything. He was a FX dealer in the City and I told my pal that it was all bollocks and to be careful. She didn't listen, slept with him and then never heard from him again. She really believed everything he said and she is 42! Yes you have a right to be angry and upset but more at yourself than him because you fell for his crap. We have all been there so learn from this and don't let it happen again. This is a lasting lesson to learn.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 May 2013):
 with your follow up, your anger is still unjustified and yet you have the right to be angry at yourself! NOT at him.
I would have slept on the couch vs in his bed if I was so sure I did not want to send the wrong signals.
Talking is just that TALKING.... it does not mean it's true.
Learn to listen to actions not words.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2013): If you climb in a guys bed and shed your linen you have no right to point fingers if he pumps and dumps.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 May 2013):
 Still unjustified.
You are 30 - 35, not 17. By now ,I am sure you know about " buyer beware ". The guy is a perfect stranger, you have seen him 3 times, the very fact that he started talking about marryng you and having your kids without, basically , knowing you from Adam would probably be enough to ring alarm bells for most people. Anyway, talk is cheap : you don't have necessarily to trust everything a stranger says just because sounds flattering, right ?
You " thought " he is in for the long haul, but, next time, if you want to stay on the safe side, let them PROVE that they are in for the long haul; saying it is not enough.
Surely, the guy is not a gentleman, and clearly he already had planned a happy ending for his 3rd date, regardless of how the date would have gone. But, you CHOSE to have sex with him omitting to read the fine prints. He had not promised you exclusivity or a relationship or anything, so the risk was on you, these things some times go well and bloom into love stories... and some times they don't.
The fact that you HAD to sleep with him because the other bed was unmade- please. It takes 5 minutes to make a bed, you could have put your foot down and have the bed made. You could have slept in the unmade bed ! for one night, it's not such a hardship. You could have asked to sleep on the sofa, or an armchair, or ask to sleep in his bed and he on the sofa. You could have checked yourself in a hotel.
You chose to share his bed and " let things happen ", - you gambled- and you lost.
Lesson learned.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (16 May 2013):
 Dont blame yourself some people are afraid of commitment to a extreme like myself. I doubt he was just using you perphaps it was another issue communication will express this issues if the can be worked on a aleast reconized that can make you two join back together and be more committed relationship and marriage. I know that I have been labeled the player sort. Its cause Im looking for the right compatibility for me not just the other person... It's like I don't want to have to keep dating I would like just one thats right for me.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 May 2013):
 I think the time (a month) and contact (third date) shows that you were, or became, OK with rushing things..... So many guys will present a facade of decency in the pursuit of s-x that it is understandable that you allowed yourself to be mislead.... YOU had good intentions; but he - obviously - didn't....
Chalk it up to an unpleasant life lesson... and move on...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2013): Sorry question asker here:
He talked about wanting to get married, kids and constantly mentioned me and him getting married and having family.
I thought he is in it for the long haul and serious about settling down! Hence why I am angry. Does this makes my anger more clear?
Or is my anger still unjustified?
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (16 May 2013):
 You could have insisted the spare bed was made up. You let it slide and got into bed with him. That was your choice. Don't blame him for it.
The fact that you were arguing on your third date and you're really angry with him now suggests that he is right: that you aren't compatible with each other.
Life lesson.
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