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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi everyoneThis might turn out to be a bit long so bear with me.Here´s my dilemma: I have no idea how to save my marriage. I´m 32, my hubby is 40. We´ve been married for 9 years now. Our marriage has been a bumpy ride but we´ve always had a strong bond, similar interests and aspirations and a lot of great times. But at some point we became distant - for reasons that I cannot really find. My hubby showed no interest in me, he didn´t want to kiss me or hold me, the sex became mechanical as he showed no interest in satisfying me sexually. I made numerous efforts to rectify the situation but as he didn´t reciprocate, after a long time of constant rejection and refusal to discuss things, I gave in. AFter a long period with this gap between us we were on the verge of splitting up. (This was a year ago.) I was severely depressed at the time because my marriage was ice cold and my hubby was treating me like a roommate, an unwanted one to say the least. We had been drifting for quite a while and I was hurt from being constantly rejected emotionally and physically, sad for us both and just dying for the affection I once received from my man. In short, I was completely and utterly lost ´cause my hubby made me feel unwanted, undesirable and without purpose. So pretty much exactly one year ago one night when I was out I started talking to some new people, had a really good time. One of those people, a slightly younger guy immediately caught my attention. We talked for hours, flirted a bit, had a really good time. ( Neither of us was drunk so I can´t blame it on the booze.) A few minutes before I got on my bus to head home, he kissed me. Needless to say it felt fantastic after a long heart-rending period of rejection and frustration. When I got home I was wrecked with guilt and felt really bad about kissing another man, not to mention doing so in a public place and not thinking at all about what I was doing. But still the other guy was on my mind constantly and since I made the big mistake of exchanging phone numbers with him he sent me a text a few days after we met. I texted back, we met for coffee and just talked for hours. This occured a few times during the fall. Goes without saying we connected - spiritually and physically. I did realise from day one I had an enormous crush on him and that the feeling was obviously mutual. (I did tell him that I was married, on the night we met for the first time.)So after weeks of talking, flirting and kissing I lost the last grip I had on my common sense and so I slept with him. It was the most amazing sex of my life and I was so crazy about him that I went back for more every chance I had. The fling turned into a full-blown affair which lasted for 7 months in total. For weeks and weeks I spent every possible moment with my lover and allowed myself to fall in love with him. A few months into the affair he told me I would have to choose either him or my husband; that he couldn´t share me simply because he loved me. I pondered the situation and thought long and hard about the possibility of leaving my husband. But after careful consideration I decided to stick with my hubby. I wanted to come out of the haze and make an effort to make things work within my marriage. So I broke off the affair. I told my lover what I felt; that I was madly in love with him but that I would have to try to make things work with my hubby. Needless to say it was extremely hard to let him go. He was extremely hurt and he is now pouring out all his anger on me (which I totally deserve) and I am trying to be as neutral as possible although my heart is breaking and I constantly feel the urge to just throw myself back into his arms. I haven´t seen him for 10 weeks now. I miss him terribly and I think about him a lot but I´ve made a choice and I want to stick to it. My husband is a good guy and I want us to be together. I want to believe this marriage is worth fighting for. My husband has done a complete 180- he´s been very affectionate, caring and loving. (At first I considered telling him about the affair but seeing how he´s making an effort now and that I would only be telling him to make myself feel less guilty I decided not to tell him. I have to live with the guilt and the hurt, he doesn´t have to share my burden since he´s done nothing wrong.) We even went on a trip together recently. Things seem to be getting better..now if only I could get the other guy out of my system. I know it takes time but I am just so heart-broken about what I´ve done to my hubby - and to him as well. I know it would be best if we didn´t have any contact but he needs to vent and express his anger and I guess I have to take it since I´m the one that hurt him. I can´t even begin to describe how horrible it feels when he tells me he misses me so bad and I am dying to tell him that I miss him too. But I think that in the end it´s easier for him if he hates me. I never thought it were possible to love two people simultaneously but apparently it is. I am spending a lot of time with my hubby and we are talking about things more now and everything is on its way to being good again..except that I cannot erase the fact that I fell in love with another man and had an affair with him. I am consciously trying to avoid thinking about my lover and I have deleted every message and email he´s ever sent. (The "aftermath" that we got going on has been mostly on the phone and via email since I cannot bring myself to see him eye to eye. I don´t trust myself at all around him. I know what would happen and so does he.) I thought I was on the mend and then just a few nights ago I was in bed with my hubby and it was nice but I wasn´t really getting aroused. Suddenly the thought of my lover popped into my head and as I thought of him I became aroused in a second and came very quickly. I know this is terrible and in a way it´s the worst form of cheating so far for me- thinking about another guy in bed is one thing but thinking about someone you´ve cheated with...christ. I feel like shit. (Well, basically I am shit. A slut. A cheater. An adulterer. An idiot. ) This is a classic example: I am trying very hard to make it work at home because I want to be with my husband but then something reminds me of my lover and I break down. One step forward, a lot of steps back. I don´t know what to do. I loath myself very deeply and I feel terrible for what I´ve done and what I´ve become. And for breaking my lover´s heart. And yes I did break my husband´s heart too, he just doesn´t know it. I am a terrible person, I know that. But beating myself up won´t help anyone. But what will?Sorry about the length of this rant. My question, ultimately, is this: Do you think I can make things work? Or should I just come clean to my hubby? What to do? Help?
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affair, crush, depressed, drunk, fell in love, flirt, kissing, love two, period, roommate, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2008): I really honestly and truly know how you feel, I am in a very similar position and yes I also feel like dog shit, every time I think of my lover my eyes fill with tears, I miss him and think of him and I wonder if he also misses me. I have been married 28 years, and I don't want to give that up, my hubby and I have had our ups and downs, it does get better with time, but stick to your decision you will not regret it. We are all human and make mistakes. Best of luck.
A
female
reader, Nat8124  +, writes (9 September 2008):
I feel for you I really do. I realise that this situation must be extremely hard on you. You are judging yourself in the worst possible way and while although you have hurt people throughout this past year, it doesn't make you a bad person.
The only answer to your problem is to ask yourself what it is that you truely want. In 5 years time, who do you see yourself with, your husband or your lover? From what you have told us, I would said that there does seem to be a strong bond between you and your husband but I can't help but feel like it is actually your (ex)lover who makes you happy.
Its never easy to know that you have to break someone's heart but a heart will mend. You only have one shot at life and you deserve to be completely happy throughout it. There is is such a stigma attached to cheating and while I don't condone it, I do feel that if you meet someone who makes you feel complete, it must be the hardest thing in the world to resist. Your husband offers security, a home and stability. Your lover at the moment hasn't been given the chance to offer you these things but would by the sounds of things.
I really hope that you find the answer you are looking for! Good luck!x
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A
female
reader, 05hughesk +, writes (8 September 2008):
 hiya,
To be honest you have learnt your lesson and you do regret what you've done which is a sign you have feelings for your husband ! . But if you cant get this other man out of your head .. have you ever thought that he's supose to be there ? .. People do fall in love and you cant help that or the way you feel about eachother .. But if i was you i would have a think on which you need more in your life.
But no matter who you pick, im sure it will be the right choice .. jus remember you cant help who you love !
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 September 2008):
 First of all, I don't think you're shit or idiot. Yes, you cheated on your husband, but that doesn't make you the ultimate evil. You went wrong, but now you're trying to do the right thing. That is what matters most.
Your feelings are normal. You felt loved and appreciated and you enjoyed the sex, and that doesn't go away just because you realize you were wrong to sleep with that guy.
Since you have made the decision to go back to your husband, stick to it. Yes, the other guy is seriously hurt, with reason, and so are you, but that is the price to pay.
Don't tell your husband about your affair if you really want to make it work.
Hope this helps.
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