A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi - hoping someone can help me out here. I've been with my partner for 16 years. He is 44 (I'm 5 years younger). We have two young kids. He wasn't so keen on having kids but went along with the plan. Things haven't been great with us lately and we've been in counselling etc. Last week he admitted to me that he has a high desire for sex with other women, which has been intensifying over the past few years. He claims he hasn't done anything about this apart from one non-penetrative episode at a conference. He says he still finds me sexually attractive and gets an erection on occasion when he thinks about me. In the past he's not had the highest libido (afaik at least) and I've generally wanted sex more often than him so it's not a case of not getting any at home. We had some sexual problems a couple of months ago (basically he couldn't come inside me) and I made a real effort buying sexy lingerie (which we'd never done before - we were always a fairly straightforward in bed - quite boring really!) and doing some new things to turn him on. Seemed to sort out the problem and he can come again but he never seemed that appreciative of my efforts and never makes any extra effort of his own. Having thought of him as fairly asexual for such a long time I got a bit of a shock when he told me he was lusting after other women. So what I want to know is - is this normal around his age (male mid life crisis etc) or should I be really worried? I have wondered about whether to ask him to leave if he can't honestly tell me he doesn't want to pursue any of these desires for other women, but at the moment I've posed that question to him and am waiting for a considered response.I wouldn't be interested in an open relationship but am quite happy to do new things (not involving other people) to spice things up. The problem maybe that that won't be enough.Please help, am very worried.Thanks!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2008): it's me again - thank you for your answer - I appreciate that he may want to look elsewhere but I have already done all the things you suggest to spice it up - sexy lingerie, suggesting new positions etc etc etc I have even suggested going to an erotica club but he is not interested. I am not sure he in interested in spicing up with me. He is trying to work out whether he can control the other urges at the moment and be faithful to me. how do I amnage this - is it fair to give him a time limit? will I be able to trust him if he says he wants to stay? does this midlife thing for men generally fade after a few years (you know, the feeling of time passing, opportunities, sexual or otherwise fading away) or does it get more intense do you think?
am very confused about whether I should ask him to leave and work things out for himself so that I would know for sure (as sure as you ever can be I guess) if he came back, but then we have the kids to think of, they are only 6yo and 3yo and will be very confused if he leaves...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2008): Your relationship is almost twice as long as any I've had. Having said that, I will try to give an honest male perspective. This is not an unheard of situation, I'm afraid mother nature may be partly to blame. All men struggle with the desire for excitement, novelty, and variety. I really believe that we men CAN be 100% faithful to the women in our lives, if given a little help and some breathing room. If you really love this man, you need to fight to keep him. That means fighting dirty. First be honest- tell him you love him and that you don't want a partner who is not faithful to you. Then get down to business. It's time to read some of those naughty books, watch films together, talk dirty, and try things you've never done. Ask him what he wants that he's not getting (besides other women) and then examine your own feelings to see whether you can provide it without compromising your values. Make sure that he is meeting your needs as well; if he's not forthcoming perhaps you should be more demanding and direct! You might even spice things up by going to a strip club together if there are such places where you live. There are some establishments that feature dancers of both genders so you won't have to feel left out. Tell him it's ok to get his appetite elsewhere as long as he only eats at home. If none of this works, chances are he is too selfish to remain in the relationship. Ultimately, he must accept responsibility for being an equal partner in a monogamous relationship.
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