A
female
age
36-40,
*tarstar75
writes:Hi IM 23 and female, my now ex partner is 22 and male, we have been going out now for a year and a half. A couple of weeks ago I found a dating account that my partner had set up when we had been goiong out for approx 5months, on this account he posted himself as a bi curious male willing to do anything. When I confronted him about this he denied it was his, after threatening to end the relationship he came clean and said he was confused and didn't know what he was doing. He then wrote me a letter saying he knew 100% that he was straight and liked women only and the though of another man anywhere near him sexually made him feel sick. Then a few days ago I was looking on the laptop that we both use and I found Gay porn that he had downloaded he admitted he was curious but still likes only women. We've now split up as I dont trust him anymore. He told me he was horny thats why he looked.....but insists he's not gay or bi. Do you think my ex-boyfriend is gay?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, NightLad  +, writes (30 March 2009):
 Why would a straight man look at gay porn? He wouldn’t. But I think the deeper issue here is that in our society we often label things as straight/gay; black/white. In reality, human sexuality is largely a continuum of shades of grey.
I am not suggesting that “everybody’ is a little bisexual” as some people do. I firmly believe that there are 100% straight and 100% gay people. What I am suggesting is that, especially among heterosexual men, the desire to project that 100% straight image is not just important for outward acceptance, but also a defining aspect of their identity. In other words; self-acceptance. For many, the idea of questioning their 100% straight status, even quietly, is terrifying.
Now take a man who isn’t 100% straight, but who may be mostly straight. Using the Kinsey Scale as reference, between 0 (100% straight) and 6 (100% gay), let’s say your ex-boyfriend is a 2. He may never desire to be with a man physically, and he may completely lack the capacity to form a more-than-platonic emotional connection to another man, yet a purely sexual interest is still there. Perhaps it exists solely in the realm of fantasy, but nonetheless, it is there.
For such a man, looking at gay porn may be the one and only outlet he would ever desire to indulge his slight homo-erotic side. So, for all other aspects of what defines his sexual orientation -- the physical and sexual interest in women, the desire to fall in love with a woman, etc. -- he is “straight.” Maybe not 100%, but nonetheless he is straight in every way he considers it to “count.”
Now, I disagree with lying and dishonesty. In my opinion it is a toxic in any meaningful committed relationship. While lying to you is inexcusable, I would bet that he works much harder at lying to himself. Providing my assumptions are correct, this sliver of bisexuality isn’t going away. Although it may never impact the rest of his life, he should be honest with his future partners. Hopefully he will find the right lady who can love and accept him fully, and maybe even get a thrill out of watching those videos with him.
Don’t scoff! I know a straight married couple who read homoerotic fan-fictions together, complete with illustration. And it was the heterosexual wife’s idea! Different strokes for different folks!
I wish you better luck with finding Mr. Right in the future. However painful this experience has been for you, try to remember that life is a journey, not a destination. If you can take any growth from this experience than it was not for nothing.
Have a good day.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2009): Bi means he likes both.I personally like to be considerd bi when I'm not even in a relationship or sleeping with anyone.I'm a guy so I see where he's coming from and I'm bi.If he's with a guy then you have more of a point but it will always be in conclusive until he gets with his soul mate girl or guy.And why do you care he's your ex.Not with, apart from, get over it and let it go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2008): reply to supermum, this is not the first time he has lied to me, this felt like the last straw for me. Since ending it i realise how much I do love him but I cant get my head around why a straight man would look at gey porn???
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (12 September 2008):
 well what you want is not an answer but an end to your internal conflict- you need to choose your resolution and make it.
either accept him as he is or dont
your life/your choice but if it was not me i wouldn't wait for someone to choose i'd move on so you need to think, resolve and act fast...
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A
female
reader, supermum +, writes (12 September 2008):
 so why dump him? if you care that much? why be prejudiced about his likes and dislikes?
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A
female
reader, starstar75 +, writes (12 September 2008):
starstar75 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry but I find it does matter as I love him and not being with him is tearing me apart and him. However I cant help thinking about him sat watching gay porn it makes me feel sick. thats why I posted my questions
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (8 September 2008):
this is a total categorisation complication. lets chuck out the boxes and draw a line-does it really matter?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2008): Well whatever he is it is a bit more or less than straight. He is at the very least curious but much more likely he is bisexial/gay and in denial. However this doesn't really matter as the two of you are no longer together.
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A
male
reader, Jamer70 +, writes (8 September 2008):
 From what you said he might be Bi-sexual or just bi-curious. If he put Bi sexual as his "status" and dates women he just might be BI. Not gay
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A
male
reader, Jamer70 +, writes (8 September 2008):
From what you said he might be Bi-sexual or just bi-curious. If he put Bi sexual as his "status" and dates women he just might be BI. Not gay
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A
female
reader, supermum +, writes (8 September 2008):
Besides, so what if her is gay. he is your EX now after all. Are you that prejudice that it matters? so stop worrying and let him get on with his life, you cant be in a relaitonship where you dont trust him
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A
female
reader, supermum +, writes (8 September 2008):
Bi-curious does NOT mean gay. It means the person just wants to know a bit... i am bi curious, and although prefere men, dont mind haaving a bit of lady as well. i consider my self straight and adventourous rather than gay.
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