A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating this guy for last couple months. Sometimes we have seen each other, few times a week and sometimes once a week. We have even spent few nights with each other. So 1st time when we spent night together, we started making out and then he stopped and said that he wants to wait it out. He wants it to be special. It was weird and awkward for me as at that moment, we were totally into each other. He slept over at my place after that and left the next morning. Right from the get go, he had mentioned that he hates texting / emailing. And eventually, it came out that he hates anything / any proof in written. Which I am sure is from some of his experience from the past. And I totally understand about and am ok with that even though I would like a short text email / text that shows that he is thinking about me sometimes. When we are with each other, regardless of what we do - talking / watching movie / having dinner / in the pool / making out; time just flies and it is phenomenal. I do get the feeling that he too feels the same as I do. He has even introduced me to his son and I have spent an evening with him. Coming Friday, it is my 2nd time I am going to spend time with him and his son. And he was telling me that he would want to take me and his son to Nashville one of the weekends.Last Friday, we really really made out made out - heavy making out. However, we didn't do it still. And I am kind of ok with that as i really do like this guy and I can see having a relationship with him. I thought those 5 hours spent with each other were magical. I was hoping that he would call me the next day. He never called. And I couldn't stop myself and I called him 3 times. His phone was switched off. It kept going on to his voice mail. So finally, I left a message saying hello and asked him to call me when he gets a chance. He never called me back on Saturday. On Sunday late afternoon, he finally called. And he said that he just got my voice mail and so he is returning my call. And then he added that Friday he had a great time with me. I really got him excited. Now I am confused if he is really into me or is he confused or he just wants friends with benefits. Cause I feel that if he was into me, he would have thought of at least calling me the next day. If not, he would have at least checked his voice mail and returned me call. However, if it is not coming to him naturally to call me or talk to me, then that means maybe he is just taking what we have as casual / friends with benefits kind of thing.ONE big thing I missed to mention is that few times when we have made out, he has never been really really turned on (you know what I mean) and that makes me wonder as to how is that possible? Is it because he is not attracted to me? However, that would be hard. Not that I am trying to sound full of myself. I think I am quite good looking and in the past, men have had hard time keeping their hands off me. However, the way we make out; it doesn't seem that he is not attracted to me or how else could he make out with me for straight 5 hours. Am I making any sense? I am so confused. I am falling for this guy now. And I am not sure if he is into me at all or not?? Please please advise if someone can see things more clearly than I can. As right now, I am so illogical and irrational; so I need someone else to let me know am I being needy / expecting too much or I need to back off.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBondGirl72, thank you so very much for patiently reading through each of my post and replying to me. I am going to keep in mind everyone's advice. Talking to all of you and hearing all your perspective on the situation has helped me look at the whole situation in a different light. Thanks all so very much!!!
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (9 July 2012):
 BTW, you do not sound confused. You are raising questions because your instincts are telling you this is not right. It isn't right. He should find a way to communicate with you. I agree he doesn't have to return your phone call right away, but within an acceptable amount of time would be nice. Or, if he was considerate of your feelings and really liked you he might call and say "I just wanted to tell you that I'm with my son, my friends, whomever this weekend and I will call you on such-and-such day and we'll plan to get together." Or, I would really like to take you out on Wednesday if you can, or ANYTHING. Doing nothing indicates the guy does not care. I also realize his son is his top priority, but if he is going to treat everyone else in an inconsiderate manner, then he need not be dating at this point in time. Don't make excuses for him.
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (9 July 2012):
I agree with Cerberus here...he seems stand-offish to me and that is not a good way to start a relationship. People who want to be together communicate in one way or another. How they communicate is not really the issue. Personally speaking, I would not mess around or have sex with him until you figure out what he wants from you. Does he want a relationship or does he just want to mess around? From the sound of it, it doesn't sound as if he is too concerned about you or your feelings, or he would be calling you. You are not being needy, this is normal. If you like someone you expect him to call you, want to talk to you, and want to be with you. Always pay attention to behavior. That will tell you the true story.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAidan:
Thanks so very much for your response.
How you said that I am being too needy, I felt exactly the same too. He has his son every other weekend and those weekends other than Friday when I meet them, we don't have any contact those weekends (and I have no probs with that at all as I feel that is father and son time). However, this last weekend wasn't his time with his son. I do understand that he doesn't have to return my phone call right away. We have been seeing each other for last couple months. So I was hoping that especially after our pretty good Friday evening, he would at least want to say Hello to me the next day. I know he is not a phone talker. Neither am I and I am ok with not having long & frequent phone conversations with him. But last Saturday, I just wanted to connect in some way for a little bit after what I thought was a phenomenal evening. Him not contacting me just made me feel that maybe he doesn't feel the same way as I feel for him. Cause if he felt, then he would have called me or texted me even if it was a sweet one liner. All these things can't be forced or asked for and it comes naturally from inside. If it doesn't, then that means he and I are not on the same page. Since I do like him quite a lot by now, it just gives me a feeling that maybe he is not really into me. Sorry I still sound so confused.
Cerebrus:
Thanks to you too for your response.
What you said "Or he doesn't want to get caught by the other woman in his life. I don't understand his reasons for that OP, to me that's suspicious, a person who doesn't want written records of your relationship is a person who is either paranoid about being caught or has one foot out of the door." has also crossed my mind quite a few times. However, I always push my doubts and concerns on the back burner.
I am not much of a texter and a phone talker just like him. But with him, I do feel like texting him every once in a while. And I don't mind having a conversation longer than 15 minutes. I do like him quite a bit and so it comes naturally to me to want to have some kind of contact with him over the week when we don't get to see each other. So I did that initially after quite a few of our dates. However, getting very cold and boring responses from him on texts / emails; I have stopped doing that as I do understand that he is not into it. The only thing that kept me meeting him for future dates was the fact that whenever I was with him in person, time just flew by so fast. There was NOT a single boring moment between us in person.
After last Friday night, I did expect him to send me a small 'how are you today' text or something sweet. Cause I thought Friday we both really had a good time. However, no contact from him and him not responding to my contact made me wonder as to if I am forcing him to spend time with me. As I mentioned before, if someone likes someone -- you would want to contact the person naturally. I don't have to ask it from him. I don't like to push people cause if pushed and if it isn't natural; it won't last for too long anyways. Maybe I am wrong.
About ED, yes yes yes that thought did cross my mind quite a few times every time we made out. As I have never ever had such an experience in the past. NEVER EVER!! I do get it that he wants it to be special between the two of us. However, I always failed to understand that why wasn't he completely turned on even ONE time we have made out. And now after you mentioned about ED, I am wondering again and want to think about it and NOT ignore this.
I know I need to have a talk with him. I will have to sit down and go over in my head how to have that conversation with him. I know I can't have it with him this Friday as he has his son. I will have to wait till next Friday as that will be the only time we will get to talk (given the fact that we don't really talk on phone).
Thank you guys. You both have given me quite some to think about. I know I am confused and my mind is so clouded with my emotions that I have started to develop for this guy; but your responses are helping me to see the situation in a different light.
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (9 July 2012):
If he wanted a “Friends with Benefits” arrangement, he wouldn’t be reluctant to have sex, he’d be wanting it in the here and now, surely? That’s what a FWB is: casual sex. What’s more, he seems to have a good time when he’s with you, and he’s taken the major step of introducing you to his son.
I suppose some might call him old-fashioned: he prefers to talk rather than write, and he wants to take things slowly. What’s more some people aren’t very reliable when it comes to checking voicemails. If you really can’t go a day without speaking to him, and start worrying that he’s not in to you because he doesn’t call back straight away, yes you’re probably being a bit needy, or at least more needy than this guy sounds like he can cope with. We know that he has a son so he’s a man with other commitments, who perhaps can’t be available whenever you want, which you’ll have to learn to live with. As for sex, talk to him about it. Ask him if he has any concerns, or whether he feels ready yet or not? Explain that you just want to be clear how he feels about it: does he want to, is he ready and is he worrying about anything? Perhaps he’s trying to do what he thinks is the right thing by you by not rushing in to it, and you could both have crossed wires. It’s time for an honest conversation about this with him, tell him what’s good about this relationship and ask him the questions that you have on the areas where you’re unsure.
I wish you all the very best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2012): "And eventually, it came out that he hates anything / any proof in written. Which I am sure is from some of his experience from the past."
Or he doesn't want to get caught by the other woman in his life. I don't understand his reasons for that OP, to me that's suspicious, a person who doesn't want written records of your relationship is a person who is either paranoid about being caught or has one foot out of the door.
It's not an FWB OP. I don't think you understand what that actually is, FWB is just sex, nothing else. Okay a bit of cuddling afterwards maybe but no dates or anything like that really.
Have you even stopped to consider that maybe he has erectile dysfunction? It would kind of explain the no erection thing and it would also explain why, when he has you gagging for it that he hasn't dived straight in, not many of us guys could or would stop ourselves in that situation. I mean surely from your own experience in those kind of positions you usually have to fight guys off.
For the moment everything seems to me to point to ED. It would explain the lack of jumping you when given the chance, it may also explain why he's so distant. But you can't live life based on assumptions and hopes OP. You're not being needy, it is a little strange to not want to contact you and be as distant as he is. This is a little too much on his terms and you seem to need a little bit more than what he is currently giving. I have to say OP, your needs are not unreasonable, it's not insecure to like to have a text or phonecall every now and again to know he's interested in you. I mean that is the bare minimum. I'm not really a phonecall kind of guy but I know how much it means to girls to know that you're thinking of them even if it's just to talk about weather or something completely benign like that, even just a "how are you today text" goes a hell of a long way to showing you're interested.
He's far too stand-offish and it's not unreasonable to say to him that you'd like some more contact from him from time to time because at the moment it seems like he can take you or leave you. I mean it's getting to stage OP where you're falling for him and you need to know now how he feels about you and where he sees this going. So I think you should talk to him about those two things.
It's not needy, it's not irrational, there are some things here that in my mind are red flags.
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