A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband divorced me after 16 years leaving me and the children citing that he wasn't happy and that there must be more to life etc. I was terribly hurt. Since then he hasn't bothered with the children and although he is very well paid it has been difficult to get money out of him. After so long I still really miss him amd wonder if it any stage he will realise he has made a mistake and want to return. I have tried reasoning with him but he always says I am so self righteous. The thing is I don't think it is right to effectively abandon a wife with children after so many years and I can't stop saying this to him over and over again. He never tries to justify himself or make any excuses he just says he was not happy. One day he just up and left so there was no warning. He is financially stable and has a penthouse in London and is a very successful banker so has no money worries, I just wonder if he misses us like we miss him and if he may think differenly after time.
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (16 September 2008):
 Hmm I read your response and understand how you must feel as my ex went off with someone else but our situation was different to yours as my ex did not get into a fully sexual relationship until after we split.
The lies and deceit hurt the most but you do get over that in time.
Your ex husband will wake up one day and realise what he has lost i.e. his children but by then it will be too late as the children are far from stupid and they know this by the way he has treated you and them.
As mothers we cannot think of how anyone could not give themselves whole heartedly to their children but men don't have that same bond as women (I am not categorising all men here, no offence meant to any men btw). The woman carries the children in the womb and so their bond is different and giving birth is someone a man can only watch and not actually go through the physical intensity of it all.
I would not allow your husband the time to hide his money in investments and I would push your solicitor either daily or weekly to move things along as he is only dragging out his costs and his final bill so insist that you want this resolved sooner rather than later so that you and your children can get on with your lives.
You must be entitled to more than 50% as you have the children living with you and he doesn't so property is normally in the favour of the woman and children and the husband has a smaller percentage if property is sold.
I think your stunned state has possibly held you back for far too long and it is time you put yourself first for a change, he had the realisation that he wanted out so let him put his money where his responsibility lies and don't let him have additional time to hide things away from you and the children as that is their inheritance as well and it wouldn't be fair for him to stash it away for some love child if it happens in the future. Not meaning to be harsh but that is the fact of life I am afraid.
Plus the fact is that the higher they are in a company the quicker they are to fall so given the current financial climate in this country kick your solicitor to speed things up as you are tired of waiting now.
Good luck and keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. I am getting money for the children through the CSA and although the divorce is done the financial settlement is still being fought over. He is just being very mean and holds onto every penny until the last moment. My solicitors say he will have to give us a great deal which is why he wants more time to hide money, investments etc. I suppose because I cannot imagine not wanting to be with my children I cannot understand how a man can just wake up one morning and think that's it I am off. He never discussed that he was unhappy with me although I now know he was having an affair. I am getting on with things and will obviously feel happier when the money is sorted I just really want to know if anyone thinks he will ever feel any guilt about what he has done or if you think having another drink and not thinking about it is the easier option. The children are all ok and think he is crazy and never ask to see him , they rarely even return any texts they get from him. It is just his behaviour is so alien to me and I don't know how anyone can live like that when they have been part of a unit for so long.
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A
female
reader, sappygirl  +, writes (13 September 2008):
 I am sorry you are going through this.
however, you are wasting your time begging him back into your life.
You need time to heal, and find a way to be strong.
For you and your children.
It's hard letting go, but you have to remember, why would you want a man back that doesn't want you anymore. Yes,he's being selfish, inconsiderate, rude, all of the above. But you cannot control his actions.
You can only control yours.
So the only thing you can do is get the money you need from him to raise your children.
Fight for what is yours.
Like Ivana Trump says. "Don't get mad..get even"
Since he is rich..that means YOU ARE RICH. you gave him 16
years of your life, you deserve half of everything that he owns. You need that money for yours and you children's future. Don't let him get away with that.
As for your heart. It is hurting but it will heal someday.and one day you will look back and wonder why you ever wanted such a loser of a man back. Best of luck
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (13 September 2008):
 Stop wishing for him to come back and make it all better...he won't, sorry to be harsh but you are an intelligent woman? Why would you want him back if he has abandoned you and the kids - he may not like a marital relationship with you anymore but taking it out on the children is just wrong. If he doesn't want to see your children and pay his way then he is a selfish, horrible person...it is ok, we all make mistakes but you must see yourself as a strong, independent woman who is capable of a happier life than sticking with someone who isn't 'happy'. Let him go his way and start getting tough about the finances - see a solicitor and contact the child support agency/ department of work & pensions for information on income support-child tax credit.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (13 September 2008):
 If he's going through a mid life crisis then its possible he will see that the grass isn't greener and want to come back at some point. But if he has fallen out of love with you, he wont come back. I wouldn't of thought anyway.
But it drives me mad when guys dont pay for their kids, especially the ones that choose to leave.
I would try going through the csa. They dont have any messing from guys that earn a good wage and think they can walk away from the financial responsibility as well as the emotional.
C xxxxx
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (13 September 2008):
Sweetheart you are unfortunately kidding yourself about the way your ex husband is thinking right now.
He has got to the stage in his life where I think he is either suffering from a mid life crisis and feels that by cutting himself free from his committments it is somehow giving him a licence to be young again.
He has behaved appallingly and never given you answers to the questions you have asked, no wonder you are in turmoil.
If he was such a decent man he would have made sure that you are the children were taken care of rather than putting financial strain on you after so many years of marriage.
Have you gone down the route of the CSA for financial support from him as this could be directly stopped from his wages and there is nothing he can do to stop this.
Has the divorce been finalised as I would have thought that there would have been certain conditions of the divorce whereby he is set to give you an agreed amount together with any property etc divided amicably so that you are the children have somewhere to live and can sustain a certain lifestyle that you have known in the past.
You have done nothing wrong here and it must be so frustrating to continue to bang your head against a brick wall and never get any answers. Have you gone through any sort of mediation at all, as normally solicitors will suggest this if they feel that there is no communication between a couple when a divorce is going through and things cannot be clarified if either side is not talking?
It is interesting that he points out the fact of you being self righteous, I think he doth protest too much. Have you ever thought that he may be the one who was seeing someone behind your back and the reason that he does not want to discuss it is a guilt factor on his side so he turns the tables back on you saying about being self righteous when he is the cad in all of this.
It is pretty obvious to me that your ex husband does not miss you like you miss him otherwise he would be making every effort possible to continue to have regular contact with his children. The normal access is every other weekend and having them to stay with him. How old are your children, have they said much about how they miss your ex husband?
I think you seeing the effect on your children is what is motivating you about missing him and wanting him back in your lives. Personally I think you are probably better off without him as he has no sense or responsibility or moral fibre at all.
Start getting angry and making sure you get the money out of him that you are your children are owed and also deserve. How can you look after your children effectively if he is not living up to his responsibilites of supporting them properly.
He helped you make these children and it is now that he should step up to the plate and support his children properly.
Just think about how he may be spending this money elsewhere on wine, women and song as the old saying goes, he is not living like a pauper I am sure so get angry and if the CSA are no good go back to your solicitor and get him back into court to pay you what is rightfully yours to have as it is your children who are suffering and that is just not fair or right in my books, if he is such a decent man then he should be putting his hand in his pocket and making sure his children are looked after properly.
You should not sit and wallow sweetheart you need to get active and start to think what you want out of life for your and your children, maybe think about planning a nice trip with some of the money he owes you for both you and the children, why should you sit and struggle while he lives the life of Riley.
Keep us posted and keep smiling sweetheart just don't think about what could of been but of what has to be now, there is no going back only looking forwards to a brighter future for you and your children without your EX in your life apart from his fatherly duties that he should commit to.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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