A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend seems to have 2 personalities. He said he come to dinner with my parents earlier but then changed his mind, my mother went to the effort of cooking for him so I told him he was being rude. He went out and I have no idea where he is and has not come home. I put a status on facebook asking anyone if they wanted to go out for a drink because I didnt fancy staying in and he told me I was adverising myself. Like a prostitute! A few weeks ago he critisised my parenting skills which upset me as m my ex used to all the time. Before that I found out he'd been texting his ex behind my back. He rang someone accidently in bed too and lied about who it was. Whenever I get upset he storms off and I have no idea where he is. He tells me its because I like arguing. But these things are all quite hurtful and horrible. As soon as I tell him to go he changes his tune and apologises. Do you think anyone would be upset by his actions? Im doubting myself and I feel like Im in the wrong all the time. Hes helped me out with money and my life is far more stable since we've been togethet. But money isnt everything and I always feel like I owe him. I get emotional about my kids because Im going through a custody battle so it could be hard on him. Should I just let him have his space when he needs it qnd goes off
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 April 2013):
 He said he would come to dinner and your mother went to all the trouble to prepare it and hten he canceled at the last minute. Unless he was in the hospital or his parent was dying or he had to work an emergency shift, there would be no excuse for canceling a dinner with toehr people. STRIKE ONE (of your post)
He leaves (I assume you two live together based on what you wrote about him not coming home) and does not tell you where he is or who he is with or when he will be home. This to me is not acceptable and is STRIKE TWO of your post.
Did he call you a prostitute? Or did he say something else and you interpreted it that way? Because if he called you a prostitute, that’s a big issue for me. IF he didn’t, if he implied it, well then it may be your interpretation and that may be indicative of how little self-esteem you have around him. Either way not a good sign, either he is verbally abusive, or you have no self-esteem and will have a hard time leaving him should the need arise.
He criticized your parenting skills. Well did you deserve it or is he nit-picking? Does he help with rearing the children that live with you if he’s living with you or does he just leave it all to you? If he leaves it all to you, he has no right to say anything. His being critical of your parenting skills, may or may not be accurate. You say you are in a custody battle, it’s rare (at least here) for a dad to even attempt to get custody if the mother is remotely fit because they rarely award custody to the dad if the mom is fit and wants the kid(s). So since you are overly sensitive about parenting…. Look at why it bothers you so. Did he hit a nerve that might be true?
He’s texting his ex and the key is he’s doing it behind his back. When I text my ex I always tell my husband that I’m doing it, or I will be doing it. Cheating in my book is anything you can’t wont or don’t tell your partner. So by my definition he is cheating on you.
He lied about someone else he called. So we have LYING and CHEATING.
And then when he gets mad he just leaves without a word.
You tell him to go and he apologizes and you forgive him… and he knows he can get away with lying and cheating because you let him.
You have every right to be upset. He lies. He cheats. He disappears.
You are doubting yourself and that’s not good. YOU are not in the wrong. Why would YOU think you are the wrong party here?
Just because he’s helped you with money does not mean you owe him unless you asked him to in which case, start figuring out how to pay him back. My husband sunk a ton of money into my home before we were married. I DID NOT ASK HIM and it was his choice but I get how you could feel obligated to him. We already had plans to marry but I kind of felt like he had ‘bought me” but I’m talking about nearly 5 figures here. And I get that the quality of life with him changed and improved but honey is it worth all the anguish you are suffering with him when it’s not good?
I would let him have his space when he goes off the next time, and I would change the locks and ask him where to send all his stuff.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2013): I would give him some space. If you smother him, you will lose him. In the meantime, keep searching for your soul mate.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (22 April 2013):
 I agree with the other answer - sounds like he is cheating to be honest. If he is ringing people in bed and lying about it, plus has been caught out texting his ex then clearly he is up to something, and because he is not a trustworthy person it wouldnt be a huge surprise if it was cheating.
Of course you should be upset by his actions, lying and disrespecting you is never going to be ok. Being rude about your parenting is a downright nasty thing to do, if he genuinely cared about you then he'd never insult you like that. Plus he clearly doesnt care about making a good impression with your family, if he doesnt care about making a good impression then that indicates a lack of respect for you and a lack of commitment to a long term relationship.
You shouldnt put up with this - he needs to make more of an effort and stop disrespecting you, or you need to move on.
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A
female
reader, myboyfriendsacnt +, writes (22 April 2013):
Oh dear, all I can say is that I'm familiar with this behaviour. My current boyfriend was actually dating two other people at the beginning of our relationship. Here were the clues: constantly hiding phone Changing passcode regularlyDeleting all texts ( including ones from male friends ) - this was so he could then use the " I delete all my messages " lineNever looking at his phone after 9pmNever returning my texts after 9pmDeleting all emails from inbox and then trashTaking me for dinner then not going home together afterwardsNever seeming to be there quite as much as he should No inclination to meet family or friendsNo inclination to introduce me to family or friendsI would suggest if 5 of the above are there then there's a good chance he is playing around. Why not do some detective work, just pay close attention to his phone, follow him on one of his trips?! You should not let him make you feel silly for worrying about his actions...Ask him if his ex would like to come for dinner with u both and see how he reacts... I'm sure his response will tell you if there was a hidden agenda.Please don't let anything suspicious just pass you by. My boyfriend now has 2 very upset ex longterm girlfriends that found out he was seeing not 1 but 2 other people... and they MUST have known something was up but chose to believe his lies.. Do what you need to in order to find out the truth... For your own sanity
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