A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Do you tend to tell your partner when someone has hit on you or find them attractive? Does the situation make a difference?For example, if your coworker is hitting on you versus the girl in line with you at the checkout?My girlfriend just revealed to me that she used to get hit on all the time by the grad students at the university she worked at. I can't say I am surprised, because she is beautiful and friendly. I would expect it. However, is this the sort of information couples usually share? Should she have shared that as it happened? Should she have shared that at all?I don't get hit on often, but recently there was a girl in the store who stopped me to tell me I look like Jude Law (huge compliment, I think) and a woman at a wine bar we were at who (when my girlfriend stepped outside) interjected when I told the bartender that I bought my house 10 years ago to say "What were you then? 18? Sorry, must be the wine." which was nice to hear because I am almost 41 now. Every once in a while I think about telling my girlfriend these things not so much to make her jealous as to make her appreciate me a little more. She always is always talking about how she thinks I might be going to strip clubs (I don't) which is insulting to me because to me that means she thinks I'd have to pay to see some boobies. She definitely feels she is the more attractive one in the relationship and she is probably right, but maybe letting her know I am not chopped liver once in a while could change her perspective. On the other hand, I wouldn't want to hurt her or make her suspicious of me.I never tell her and she never tells me (until now) and I am curious what most couples do. I guess I expect that she shouldn't tell me when she gets hit on at the market, but that she should tell me if someone she knows or works with has hit on her, but maybe not. Maybe she should just handle it herself?Along the same lines, would you tell your partner if you were developing a crush on someone else or found them really attractive? I generally don't tell her if I find someone attractive, even when asked point blank. I have never had a crush since meeting her, but I probably wouldn't tell her if I did and I would try to handle it myself because I wouldn't want to upset her.What is the right thing to do? Come clean and risk the drama and the jealousy or just keep it to yourself? I ask because I think my girlfriend may be dealing with a crush on a coworker and I am not sure whether to call her on it or just let it run its course. I doubt anything will come of it because he is attached and not interested and I think she likes the fantasy more than the messy reality of acting on it. However, it bothers me a little bit that she won't tell me if it's true. On the other hand, I think it might make things worse if she does. What do most couples do?
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male
reader, burberrypie  +, writes (28 May 2011):
Rightly or wrongly, in my experience women seem to have these random fancying's.. perhaps she feels secure and nested with you so therefore seeking something alternative for a fantasy.
I guess its down to interpretation.. I personally would raise her on it, but wait until you have some form of undeniable proof.
I have also tried making my partner jealous, but it just makes her worse.. Just get her to be honest with you and ask her how she would feel in your shoes.
Best of luck mate.. I have dealt with this a few times, and its not easy!
A
male
reader, jesterX +, writes (27 May 2011):
Getting hit on even when your in a committed relationship is flattering. My GF gets hit on all the time and we have a full honesty clause. It doesn't bother me until he continues after she says she's taken. I would rather know than not. I tell her if someone hits on me. She gets a little jealous as expected but not mad at me because she knows I wouldn't do anything to mess up our relationship. Its too important to both of us. The fact that she tells me shows me she is honest with me.
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A
female
reader, lovelyeyes +, writes (27 May 2011):
Honestly. I think things like that should be kept to yourselfs. Maybe once in a while let her know that u got hit on but u didn't like it ofcourse. Just to show her people are still intrested and she doesn't have somebody that nobody wants. My husband has said that to me once or twice yes I get upset but seep down it makes me happy knowing haha he's mines. If she does have a crush on somebody else it actualy is a big deal because she will find more flaws from u just comparing them to her crush. Ask her about it don't confront her in a mean way just tell her is something going on there? I think crushes do happen and they can be innocent but it can hurt the marriage in other areas. I am married and a has a crush on a guy I've never done anything but it does hurt my marriage w/other things like somethings that we don't have in common and my crush would have the same thing in common w/me then I start to compare witch is horrible. I do love my hb that is why I would never past that line but I think my marriage would be better if I didn't have this huge crush! Trust me I've tried getting over the crush I guess it just taked time. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (27 May 2011):
 I tell my partner when random people compliment me or hit on me, as does he. But it becomes a gray area when it's someone you know. Generally if there's someone who could be a "threat" like a close coworker, ex-boyfriend, then I keep it to myself. What good does it do to share? It just breeds jealousy and insecurity over nothing. But being hit on by strangers or people you don't really know is kind of nice to know so you can think, "hey my partner is damn sexy!" It can be nice to know other people find your partner attractive too.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2011): Not sure what the "right" thing is to do. But we tend to tell about the casual encounters where someone expresses an interest in either one of us. These are ego boosting, do tend to remind your partner not to take you for granted, and can be funny and harmless if you laugh at them. What we have both learned, thru hurting each other a bit I suppose, is to NOT tell about when people in more threatening situations express an interest (I.e. Coworkers, friends, neighbors). These people occupy positions that are more threatening to your relationship because of their closeness - you will often be with them alone, perhaps often, w/o your spouse present. Sometimes you may spend more time with them than your spouse. These can be very threatening and worrisome for your partner, and if told after the fact, very hurtful as well. I would suggest NOT sharing these, but out of respect for your girlfriend, handling them on Your own and promptly...
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A
male
reader, a-g55 +, writes (27 May 2011):
 I wouldnt tell anyone anything they didnt NEED to know. but if you feel she needs to appreciate you more then she needs to know how other women appreciate you. if she is jealous then good.she might not take you for granted anymore
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