A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a virgin. My boyfriend of 22 months is not. I love him to bits but he has said he cant love me until we have sex. He says theres an emotional connection there for him when it happens. I have always wanted to wait til i was married but he tells me that he wants to before marriage. We are at a deadlock.I said to him i would but could we get engaged. Then he says no one will give me a guarantee so i have to take a chance and someone and since he hasnt had sex the 22 months he has been with me -that should be some indication he cares. What do you think? We fight about this the whole time and i do love him-im just afraid in case he says he still doesnt feel anything after he has sex with me and then leaves me. What should i do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): Just in response to conservative european boy..
I do want to get married to him now. I would if he asked me in the morning. The problem is he doesnt want to get married to me.
Iv tried to think about why he doesnt considering both our ages (we're late twenties) and the time we've been together but all I come out with is hurtful answers.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): You are in a quite normal age for marrying. When sex is so important to him, and you won´t have it before you are married, what is holding you back from marrying now?
If the reason is that you really don´t trust each other the way that is needed to marry one another, you are of course not ready for sex either.
A conservative European boy
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): Thanks so much for all the responses. You all make good points-and apparently the same one! I was kind of surprised to hear it to be honest-i thought everyone would tell me to grow up. Thank you-i feel better now. I guess i do know in my heart if he loves me he'd respect my wishes and stop throwing it at me. So we'll just see what happens when i stand my ground-thatll be the test. I know equally its not fair on him if we are two total opposites. But now thanks to you all i have the confidence to be my own person without caving in with or without him. Thanks again.
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A
male
reader, spinnaker  +, writes (20 April 2011):
 Read what cererbus said a few times and understaind what is going on with this guy. He does not respect you at all. His affections are so shallow that sex is his only meaningful way of connecting with a person. Once that loses its novelty you will be all alone.
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A
male
reader, Philips  +, writes (20 April 2011):
 He doesn't want to engage but wants sex. He ask you for guarantee, so what are your guarantee that he is going to stay with you after he took your virginity.If you want to wait its your decision, and atleast for your own self-respect don't get as low as be emotionally manipulated and sell away yourself.To answer your queation;No, sex is not a reason to love someone. Prostitutes have sex with so many men, do you think the men or prostitutes have feelings for eachother. Absolutely not.In fact sex does not fellow much of a logic, except physical satisfaction which is most common,and emotional satisfaction.However emotional satisfaction only occurs if you've done it lots of time before with the same partner, not when you never done it before. Being a virgin, your partner should respect your decision to wait till your marriage. Your first time should be special, with a special person, the one who'll vow to stay by your side forever, in front of god and the whole world.Moreover 22 month waiting is not much if you really love someone.I sincerly hope you do not concede to this type of emotional blackmail, because the day he'll leave you, you'll deeply regret giving him somthing you'll never ever get back again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011): Do you have to have sex to love somebody?
Absolutely not... you said so yourself: You LOVE him, and you're still a virgin. Of course you can feel emotional love for someone without having sex.
He's trying to manipulate you into having sex. If he's worth it, he'll wait until you're ready.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011): Sounds like he just wants to get laid.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011): Short answer to your question is no. Sex can be a way of expressing your love physically, but it isn't essential to love. How many rapists "love" their victims?
I think he knows this as well and he is being manipulative to say such a thing. Then again, he's stayed with you for nearly 2 years, so I'm guessing at some level he probably does love you and care about you very deeply. I'm really hoping this is just a choice of poor words on his part.
Sex does heighten intimacy, but it doesn't indicate love. Some people think it's important to know if you're sexually compatible before marriage. I happen to be of a similar opinion, but I don't like how your boyfriend is manipulating your feelings.
I'm going to take a guess as to what might be going on from his perspective: He likes you a lot. He likes you so much he was willing to forgo sex out of respect for your wishes to remain a virgin. He's frustrated because he feels he's spent 2 years trying to prove that he cares, but he may feel you don't appreciate that effort. If you are the one who ends up asking him, "Do you love me?" even after two years of his waiting for you, it might make him feel invisible. I'm not saying this is the case, but he may feel as if you're withholding your virginity to manipulate him and this is why he said what he did…it doesn’t excuse it, but it’s a possible explanation. Your asking for an engagement may feel like another hoop he has to jump through to prove his feelings. It doesn't make it right for him to manipulate you emotionally in return, but I'm guessing this is how he might feel.
Personally, I think you know that sex isn't a guarantee of love. Otherwise, you wouldn't have misgivings about having it before marriage. Otherwise, you wouldn't be afraid that he might leave you after the fact. And you're right; sex isn't a guarantee of love. I think if you looked around at the questions on this site, I think you'd find that marriage isn't either. Engagement is certainly NOT a guarantee of love...so I understand his frustration to your proposal. To him, it might seem like you're bargaining your virginity.
Some people view sex as an indication of commitment. Some people view it as an indication of intimacy and trust. My advice to you is that if you believe you want to save your virginity till marriage, find another guy. Don't settle for an engagement. You two see sex entirely differently and if you constantly fight about it, it will evaporate any good will you have left in this relationship. You will continue to feel pressured and cagey about trusting him with your body...he will continue to feel like his sacrifices to you aren't enough. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and some people, even at your age, aren't ready for it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011): I have the same problem-I guess its just so hard to meet someone you know? with the same values or things you commonly want from a relationship. Im scared in case i wont be able to find a guy who'll understand me or want me coz everyone seems to be having sex these days. Im afraid of the same thing happening with the next guy. What if i never meet anyone like me and end up alone?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011): He's trying to emotionally blackmail you into having sex with him.
Don't have sex just to please him, don't give in to that crap. You will not be happy with him if you do this, for this reason, in fact you'll resent him for it and it may actually end your relationship. OP he knew from the start that you want to wait for marriage, now if he was thinking the whole time that he'd just wait and when you feel in love with him you'd give in then your relationship would have been a lie from the start.
Everything he says is bullshit designed to get you to open your legs. You know what OP you're right to be afraid that after sex he may leave you. If loving you is conditional on having sex then what it that doesn't work? If he doesn't love you after 22 months then sex isn't going to make him love you,you know that, you know in your heart that is the case. So stick by your principles and wait for marriage. The discussion is over as far as I'm concerned, he knows your feelings about it so he'll respect you and drop it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 April 2011):
 do not have sex with him if you do not want to.
that being said... for many men I've heard that sex is the final thing they need to feel love... there is a chemical "transaction" that occurs between two people when they become physically intimate... it's hormonal...
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A
male
reader, yankit +, writes (20 April 2011):
hang on to your values not his...it sounds like he wants you for one reason. you can be a virgin as long as you want. love has NOTHING to do with it, well,not the way it's being posed to you.
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