A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I have a question and would appreciate your inputs. I’m 40 years old and just started dating 5 years after my divorce. I’m independent with a great job. I met a guy online who turned out to have some mutual friends with. He is 45, professional, good looking and financially very stable and also divorced with no kids. He asked if we can go out for dinner or meet in my house or his! I said meeting at his house or mine is odd as this is a first time and suggested to go for a walk for a brief meeting and I mentioned that this is not a date. It was dark and we were walking somewhere quiet. Knowing his background I considered him as a classy guy and obviously didn’t expect anything to happen. After few minutes walking he hold my hand which surprised me but I didn’t react and let him do it. We stopped somewhere with a nice view and he started stroking my arm and back, over my coat, while we were talking and I was just didn’t know what to do, it felt like a mini massage lol. I have not dated for ages and wasn’t sure if this is normal! So he was pulling me closer to him as we were talking and it was a funny sean. I’m talking standing so close to him and his hand is on back of my neck stroking my hair! He told me about his intentions that he is looking for marriage and wish to have a child. He also asked me about what I’m looking for in a relationship. We walked back and he told me he is smitten and hope I consider going on a date with him. He didn’t kiss me when we said goodbye. It was just a short hug. I’m interested but at the same time kind of uncomfortable going on a date not knowing what other surprises he has for me! Do you find this touching odd or it’s normal?
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female
reader, p.d632 +, writes (14 December 2017):
I agree with the others that he did come on too strong. If you told him clearly that it was not a date and he touched you/was a bit too "friendly," then that is not okay.
You met him online. Was it a dating site?
And although I think that the massaging etc. crosses a line, I don't find it strange that a 45-year-old divorced man mentioned marriage and children at the first meet up. If that's truly what he is looking for, time is of the essence, and it saves a lot of time (for you and him) if that is not what you are looking for.
Since you have mutual friends and say you're still interested, my advice would be to continue to meet up with him and get to know him... but not at his house or yours. Good luck.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 December 2017):
 He is coming on a bit strong, however you getting your friend to try and trick him is a very childish thing to do. If you are trying to trick the man already then it might be best that you leave it alone.
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A
male
reader, Bridge  +, writes (12 December 2017):
I think he acted normally, but it was too early for him to say he wanted a child.
Meet him again in the daytime walk, maybe a meal, a coffee or cinema.
You may just need to get used to dating. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 December 2017):
 Don't have friends butt in, OP
Don't do that. Especially if there is to be a future here. These kinds of tests are no OK and juvenile.
Would YOU want someone to do that to you?
It really proves nothing.
TAKE your time getting to know him IF you are interested, do a background check for all I care but having friends "spy" on him or try and trick him? So not OK IMHO
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2017): OP- Thanks for your advices. Actually I did my research before going out with him. I asked few people who knew him and they all said he is a nice guy, friendly and chatty. I also went too far and asked one of my close friends who is very attractive and also on the dating site to send him a message. My friend showed me the long texts between them. She asked him to go out with him for a hookup or a short term relationship and he refused. He said I’m sorry I’m not interested and I’m looking for a long term relationship and commitment. My friend tried few times to convince him but he strongly rejected her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 December 2017):
It is a bit odd, honestly.
And I think he is trying to move this on too fast. So many people think they can create an "instant relationship" if they just rush into things. Which also means they don't pay attention to potential red flags etc.
I would KEEP dates in public with this one.
Touching might have been his way of showing "I'm interested" or simply an "if I touch her will it moves things along faster?" I agree with WiseOwlE that he was testing YOUR limits as well. You were OK with holding hands, so what else were you OK with? It really IS OK to say I would prefer you don't touch me like that we, hardly know each other.
Mentioning marriage and kids... PREMATURE. At least he didn't say he wanted to marry YOU and have kids with YOU - but more in a general way. Again, it could be a "line". He might know that THIS is what a lot of single women ultimately want.
The whole I think I'm smitten? Hmmm. Again, he chose his words wisely. He didn't go totally over the top, but he could have said I have really enjoyed your company and would like to get to know you better... To me, that would have sounded more honest.
I think the guy is selling himself as "FAST" as he can to you. So I have to ask WHY is he in such a rush? I think to talk to mutuals to suss out some information about him.
Asking for a first date at your or his house... to me that reeks of "I just want to get you in bed." He really SHOULD know better at 45. Heck at 20 people ought to know you don't have dates in each other's houses. Until you know each other MUCH better.
You wrote:
"I’m interested but at the same time kind of uncomfortable going on a date not knowing what other surprises he has for me!"
That has "He is making me uncomfortable" written all over it. Why are you LETTING things happen you are uncomfortable with? Like the touching? You do know that you can tell someone NOT to touch you, right? It's not RUDE or MEAN. It's setting limits.
Now is he a tad creepy or just a tad over-eager? Impossible to say.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 December 2017):
 I find it odd. Partucularly knowing that you had warned him it wasn't a date. It was implied you were going out as friends . All this touchyfeelingness does not belong to your relationship as of now, which is, basically, of simple acquaintances . And talking about marriage and kids during a first ...non-date ?
Very odd.
It may be benign, meaning that he is just a socially awkward type and not very good at dating. It may be a tad of desperation- with undertones of horniness :)
Or it may be the classic on-line bullshitter who brings up marriage and kids because he thinks ( alas, more often than necessary being proven right by experience ) that mentioning marriage is the magic word to mollyfy a woman ... and slide with more ease into her pants.
I could not discount this possibility, seeing that as a first date he suggested " my place or your place " and, come on, he is 45 ?- he should know better.
If you want to go on a date with him, go, but, take your time. Take it slow, get to know him, do not let yourself be pressured into anything you do not feel ok with it, whether phusically or emotionally. And if he does or says anything that makes you uncomfortable, - call him oit on it. At this stage you do not owe him anything, not even the " courtesy " to let him massage your arm if you do not want an arm massage. But, establishing clearly your boundaries is only up to you, same as making them known and making sure they are not being crossed.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (8 December 2017):
 You have mutual friends. Can you ask any of them anything about him?
I would like to think all this was was a man who has been out of the dating loop for many years not being sure what is expected of him. Perhaps he is naturally a "touchy feely" sort of person and just got a little bit carried away. PERHAPS.
What would concern ME more would be that, despite you telling him this was not a date, he was trying to behave like it was one. His openness about what he is looking for and wanting is, at once, refreshing in its candidness and worrying in its over-simplification of the situation. It is almost like he was saying "I want to get married, and I want a child, and you look like you would fit the bill to be wife and mother, so let's get on with it".
And telling you he is smitten after a short walk sounds a little too keen at best.
In your shoes I would, firstly, see if you can get any sort of information on him from any of your mutual friends. You don't even need to say you are thinking of dating him. Just say you met him somewhere, got chatting, and it turned out you had friends in common. See what comes out.
Then, if there is nothing disturbing that comes to light, perhaps agree to go on a short daytime date. Absolutely do NOT go to his house or tell him where you live (or work, for that matter - although, if you have mutual friends, he could possibly find out this information anyway).
And next time, if something does not feel right, step away and just say "Sorry, I'm really not comfortable with you doing that. Please stop." Practise it at home before you go so that it comes out easily despite your discomfort and shock.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (8 December 2017):
 Odd.
He's going too fast, too soon.
Time to pull back here
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2017): He was coming on too strong! Taking your hand was a bit much; and I think he's being presumptuous without asking.
Placing your hands on someone who has told you that you're not on a date, is actually bypassing the boundaries you set. The guy is not as classy as you might think!
The massage was inappropriate, touching your hair/neck was inappropriate; and you're mature and experienced enough to know when someone is being too forward. The rules don't change about invading your personal-space. If you're not comfortable with it, it's not acceptable.
You don't invite a man you've met online to your house, and you don't go to his. It was tacky that he suggested it!
He was testing you. You're a mature woman; and really madame, you should know when a man is misbehaving or out of line. You set the rules and boundaries. It's not learn as you go!
He was more or less taking liberties and testing the limits; because you stood somewhat stunned and confused. Surprisingly!
He got past one boundary; so given an inch, he took a mile!
For the record, he was completely out of line. On all counts!
All that nonsense about marriage and children is bull manure. He is a certified 24-carat troll! A creep to the Nth degree! He's got "online troll" written all over him!
If he gave you the willy-shivers; it's your better instincts warning you! You pegged him right!
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (8 December 2017):
Yes, this is peculiar...not just the massage...I am more surprised that on a first date he would bring up marriage and having a child. He sounds like he is desperate to get this done, especially as you are 40 and getting toward the end of time you'd probably want to have a child. It actually goes a step beyond peculiar, into the realm of being creepy.
If you don't want a child with this fellow, I'd drop him now. If you are OK with that, I'd go on another date with him, for amusement if nothing else. I worry about his being openly desperate, though. But maybe he is just quirky, which can be OK if it doesn't extend too far into other matters.
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