A
female
age
51-59,
*venstar
writes:Hi, I have a question that maybe subjective but do you ever get over your first love? I am a happily married 37 yr old and have been with my husband for fourteen years now. My first real boyfriend was when I was 17 and we went out for two years. We lost our virginity together and although we had a good relationship, he callously dumped me by phone and never contacted me again. Within weeks of us splitting up, he meets and starts to date one of my friends and in the end he married her and now had two kids. I was so badly hurt, I even left the country and travelled for five years and stayed away from my town for nearly 20 years now (although I still visit my parents and friends for time to time). And then out of the blue she pops up on facebook, we connect and a rush of hurt and sadness came over me...like 20 years of buried pain surfaced and I could remember all the feelings I had at the time and have had even now a few teary nights thinking about how much he and she had hurt me. And now... he has joined facebook and I have been ssssoo tempted to connect with him but I dont know why? I love my husband and have no interest in this man other than for him to apologise for treating me so badly... but he probably doesnt even think about me at all...Am I a sucker for punishment? Do you think you can harbour feelings for someone that lie dormant and surface after 20 years? How do I get over these feelings and bury these painful demons once and for all? Do you ever get over your first love? I so would love to know why he dumped me like he did and never spoke to me again?Please let me know your advice thank you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2010): I have to say I'm 41 and recently I connect on Facebook with the sister of my first love. Just seeing pictures of him back then and now has brought back those warm feelings I had for him. We split on bad terms too but I tell you if I had the chance to talk to him just one time I would let him know I never stopped loving him and he will always have a special place in my heart. I'm married I love my husband would never hurt him but this would be too great a temptation for me, I can recognize that. And when it's your first lover too, man can connections get any deeper? All I know I haven't gotten over my first love. You like me probably have unanswered questions and things you want to get off your chest.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): A similar thing happened to me recently after 27 years of being apart. I ended the relationship with him all those years ago because the relationship was destroying me slowly because he was always always wanting more than one girl in his life. It took me 3 years to get over him, but yet I still thought about him fondly. Why? Because there were unresolved issues. We recently got talking again over facebook and he told me he still loved me. I am married to a man I love dearly, but after talking to my ex, I was able to tell him the pain he had caused me, and somehow I felt so much better, and now I can move on properly.
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A
female
reader, Jo Rocks  +, writes (19 April 2010):
 I guess your story is not as unique as you thought as just about a month ago I was presented a similar situation except my first love nor I am currently married. He is on my FB account and we have emailed many times about life and what has happened since. The only difference between our stories I guess is that this guy did apologize to me but I do not have any thoughts of us hooking back up. You are not the same people now as you were back then mostly as experiences, time and circumstance has hopefully moved you to a better place. A place where you are meant to be right now, with your husband and children. It is time for you to heal your heart of that experience and move on. Don't have anymore contact with him because it is going to cause you to start reliving your past instead of moving forward with the present.
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A
female
reader, evenstar +, writes (19 April 2010):
evenstar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGuys - can I just say a collective thank you...you all hit the nail on the head and I will be looking forward and not backwards from now on... so glad to have had this forum to blast these thoughts too...
Big hugs to you all xxxxxx
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (19 April 2010):
its hard to stop thinking about your first love especially when they pop up out of nowhere, Id say try to forget him when you meet the second time round things are never as rosy as the first.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (19 April 2010):
 I think we all have fond memories of our first love, and look back with fondness and nostalgia..because after all, they were our "first". But I agree totally with the other aunts/uncles, I don't think after all this time that you need to let either of these people back into your life. You've made your life, they have made theirs, and what really and truly good come out of reconnecting? He was young, probably very immature, and broke up with you in a stupid way...maybe he'll remember, but again, maybe he won't? I don't you will be able to get the closure that you might feel you need, so just let it go. Sometimes doors are closed for a reason, and need to stay closed. Let it go sweetie. It isn't worth the sadness its making you recall. Be happy in your life now and leave both of those people where they belong..in the past.
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A
female
reader, evenstar +, writes (19 April 2010):
evenstar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much CaringGuy - I suppose we all want to feel like there are reasons for everything...
Thank you also Threesourlimes, I think I will leave him to his life tho and move on with mine...
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010): I don't think you ever really get over your first love. I think they always hold this part of you that no one else can ever have. But then again, we leave a piece of ourselves with every person we touch. thats just my very buddhist perspective though. I have a tattoo on my foot that says:"we cannot undo what is donebut we can understand itso that everymomentis spent not in regretbut in love"See, the point is that everyone has a past, but without that past we would not be the people that we are today. Without having that hurt from your first love and friend, you would not have the compassion you have today. Its hard to muster an understanding for pain, but thats why I have a tattoo reminding me everyday.As for practical action. Block them both. Curiosity is strong yea, but its not worth it. Remember what they both did, forgive them, but tell yourself it is not worth reliving. Everytime you want to dote on facebook, dote on your husband instead. The past is the past for a reason.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 April 2010):
 You do get over your first love What you are hooked on is not the memory of yr first love ,but the mmemory of your first grief,of your first big sorrow.
There ìs a poet ( sorry I don't remeber who ) who says : The memory of past joy is not joy anymore, but the memory of past sorrow is still sorrow today.
That's what more or less what happened. You took it badly and maybe at the time you just suppressed all the painful emotions without really elaborating or transforming them.
You have a good marriage, a good family life, and I bet that if you should meet your ex today, you very probably would not give him a second glance. People change, tastes change. Ex boyfriends become bald and fat ,often :).
What you have not digested yet is the wound to your trust, your pride, your self esteem.
Let it go. It's all in the past- it does not exist anymore. DON'T LIVE IN THE PAST - BE HERE NOW.
And forgive. Why did he betray you, why did he leave you ?..Because he was 19, at 19 most guys are immature,selfish and capricious. Or maybe he was really a jerk- in which case he has done you a very big favour freeing you for a more deserving guy, and you should mentally thank him for that.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (19 April 2010):
I got over my first love cheating and dumping on me, because I didn't look for closure. I never asked her why, I went out my way to get over the anger and hate and pain because it was the most logical thing to do. You are over your first love. But you are not over the fact that he dumped you. That's the problem. You perhaps had trouble accepting it, and now he's online it's all come back. Not the love, but the pain. Do not contact him. First of all, if you do you are walking into another let down. He won't care or remember at all. The chances are he dumped you to go out with this other girl. That's all you need to know. Sometimes, you have to accept, face the pain and move on. If you look for answers on something like this, you'll never get over it because when you get an answer, there will be another question you want answering.
Secondly, get in contact with your first love, and your husband who you love and who loves you will no doubt start to get suspicious. You will put your own marriage in jeopardy.
This man is someone you need to leave well alone. Look for answers, and apart from not liking what you will find you will also put your own marriage in jeopardy. What is done is done.
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