A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This issue is really about how much someone should really share with their bf/gf. I'm not trying to be secretive for the sake of it. My boyfriend and I have had very, very different lives. His has been very normal and he hasn't gone through many real hardships in his life. I, on the other hand, have a lot of baggage with depression, self-harm, abuse, family issues, bullying, unplanned pregnancy, bad relationships, etc... The problem is that he's always pushing me to tell him things I really don't feel comfortable talking about yet.For example, I have told him that I have dealt with depression in the past for a very long time (I'm pretty alright right now but obviously, it's very easy to fall back into it) and he wants to know what, how, what? So I told him how things were for me as a kid at school and being bullied, the fact that my family was never really supportive and if anything, the way they treated me contributed to my depression. I've told him why I self harm and how it feels but he STILL wants more details, like what exactly happened... and 1. I can't really remember a lot because I spent many years actively pushing these memories out of my mind, and 2. Trying to remember and telling him is just re-opening old wounds and it's very painful to talk about. I've told him that in time I will slowly tell him more and more but I don't feel comfortable talking about certain things but he's still really pushy and to top it off, not a very open and understanding person. He's just very thinking and logic oriented and just wants facts and kind of doesn't seem really sensitive to how all this is making me feel. I've tried really hard to get to this point where I'm not having breakdowns constantly and it's been going great for a while but here he is wanting to know things and it's making me fall back down that hole again.So what do you think? I know that I will progressively share more and more with him but I'm really afraid of what opening those doors right now when I'm not ready will do to my mental state. Is it fair for him to keep pushing like that? It's not like I tell him nothing. I just don't want to give more details yet.
View related questions:
bullied Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, sebaslookingforward  +, writes (14 April 2011):
I think this guy is a jerk. NO offense but he should be considerate of you and instead make you FORGET and leave your past in the past. He is not being helpful to your recovery and he's making you feel bad often. I think you deserve a prince, not this guy.Good luck
A
male
reader, curious-borg  +, writes (14 April 2011):
If you asked yourself by telling him these details "How can this help us."You could get answers such as, he could know you, what you've been through and potentially Love you for who you really are, rather than what new people superficially see. The downside is that as you instinctively know that many people cannot or choose not to handle reality.I would suggest that you instead ask yourself"How will this help us." and answer the questions from that point of view.Also really ask him what he is trying to know and what he will do with that info when he does know. Because if he is just asking to assuage his ego then you can downplay the sexetc all that he may be worried about.In your own time you two will find your own balance. But full disclosure doesnt work most times. People are not often really looking to know you and honor you they are trying to find something that works for them.In time you two will find your own balance. Hope this helps.
...............................
A
male
reader, macdubh712 +, writes (14 April 2011):
I think you should tell him in no uncertain terms that you will tell him things as you feel comfortable. Tell him that his questioning opens old wounds and thus pushing you into a depression again. Tell him your boundaries and demand that he respects them. This is something that he needs to be sensitive about with you; I have been in this situation (on his end) and being sensitive went a LONG way for me. Communication is key.
...............................
A
male
reader, mrg123  +, writes (14 April 2011):
 Well, first things first, he can't push you and this is something you should do at your own speed. The bottom line is if you dont want to do it dont. Its your life really; of course, with issues that directly effect the relationship, that are shared issues, there is a sense these things should be communicated and in general of course its natural that a partner would want to know about your past BUT since its YOUR past its up to you, what, how and when you share it. Bottom line to your last question is no it isnt. There is no automatic entitlement here. He should respect your feelings and not keep pushing hard.
...............................
|
