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age
30-35,
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writes: I do agree with that quote, but I'm having a bit of an issue.The one I love has told me [one moment] that he wants to marry me and maybe have a baby in our future. I was so excited to know that we had the same goals. We even discussed what ring he would get me and all sorts of things pertaining to marriage.But then a couple months down the line, he tells me that he no longer believes in marriage and doesn't want kids, and that I basically shouldn't pressure him into any of it. That confused me and hurt me.My boyfriend also told me that he does not trust me because he's been cheated on before. And me hanging out with people of the opposite sex raises suspicion of whether I'm cheating or not, even though I told him countless times that I'm not going to hurt him.Now the one that I like [a coworker] is somewhat of the opposite of my boyfriend. He believes in marriage even though he's been cheated on by the mother of his daughter, he loves kids, he dances at parties [my bf refuses], and he's willing to do certain things in foreplay to pleasure his partner [my boyfriend refuses to "go downtown"]But aside from those things, my boyfriend is a sweet guy who has been there for me emotionally and financially. He even tells me he wants us to be together forever...but he told me that he doesn't want to get my hopes up about him changing his mind about marriage. So I'm not sure...should I just stay with my boyfriend [of 1 year and 7 months] or move on to someone it may or may not work out with? ALSO, we live together.Thank you for any advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): Had you been pressuring your boyfriend about marriage and kids? I mean for him to say that he would like to marry you and have kids SOMEDAY does not mean he plans on doing it in the next year or anything. Maybe he thought all that talk of marriage and babies was somewhat hypothetical. But only something to seriously consider WAY down the road, not anytime soon. Maybe he didn't realise right then how serious you actually were about it and how soon you might want to take that step. And once he realised he got scared and backed out a bit. I am sure he will someday get married, that he "never" will get married I think is just his way of telling you that he is just not ready or thinking about it anytime soon.
I think him saying that to you is also kind of a test...boy's don't like to feel like your only goal in life is to get married. This is the absolute truth. He wants to feel like marriage or no marriage, you love him, period. If your primary goal is simply to get married what's to say there was anything special about him?(believe me he has thought this). And by the way you are acting that is exactly what it sounds like. You just want to get married and are even considering dating another guy who you don't even know, just because he wants to get married. I think your boyfriend is on to something by feeling weary about the whole thing and backing down a bit.
I think your boyfriend does love and care for you. And if you feel the same way you need to let the whole marriage thing go for a while. Let things run their course naturally. Don't rush things.
But if all you want is to have that marriage license, then by all means break up with your boyfriend and find a guy (any guy) who will marry you. Good luck with that.
A
male
reader, Dataluke  +, writes (13 January 2011):
 Ok, let's take a step back here, and breath.
The first thing you need to do is confront him, ask him why he had such a dramatic change of heart, and ask for honesty. Make sure you explain that your not pressuring him to do anything he doesn't want to do but you need to know why as its important to you. Use a calm tone of voice and don't yell.
For now try and ignore this coworker you like and concentrate on your relationship at home. It will do you no good wanting to be with him and having troubles with your current boyfriend.
Once you have your reason then you must decide what to do. If he gives you an acceptable answer then work together to make things better. If he doesn't, then you will have to decide whats best for you. But if you do split from him, don't go straight to your coworker, give yourself some time to heal and reflect.
I hope it works out for you, I really, really do.
Best wishes, Dataluke
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A
male
reader, Akir +, writes (13 January 2011):
You both want different things, you obviously want marriage and children but he doesnt. You seem to have already made up your mind, it just sounds like your afraid of letting go of him emotionally so your holding on to anything you can. As much as it will hurt the both of you, I personally see that you two being together will eventually drag you into a depressive state, it may not work like that though. I think you need to find someone with the same life goals as yourself.
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A
male
reader, faenon  +, writes (13 January 2011):
 [quote]Now the one that I like [a coworker] is somewhat of the opposite of my boyfriend.
He believes in marriage even though he's been cheated on by the mother of his daughter, he loves kids, he dances at parties [my bf refuses], and he's willing to do certain things in foreplay to pleasure his partner [my boyfriend refuses to "go downtown"][quote]
Your boyfriend has every right to not trust you if your discussing sexual behaviour in your relationship with a male co-worker that is just not on and isnt something that should be discussed with a co-worker wheres the respect to your boyfriends and yours relationship privacy??
It sounds like your boyfriend feels threatened and pushed into marrying you maybe dont suggest marriage so often if you love him and care for him allow him to decide for himself when he wants to marry you your both young but I can see where his irritation is specially with discussing issues in the bedroom with a relative stranger even though its a co-worker that sort of thing makes me frown its one of those things that should never be discussed in the workplace like religion and politics for differences in opinion do and will spark conflict.
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