A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is not a personal question but a general question about the concept of 'using' someone for sex which is usually used about women.Why do people assume that a woman is 'being used for sex' when she's in a friends with benefits situation or at least in an undefined relationship involving sex? In my opinion, unless the guy explicitly lies about wanting a relationship with that specific woman, it's not fair to say he's using her for sex. If the woman wants a serious relationship, the onus falls on her to establish that the man is on the same page with her. If she doesn't explicitly ask, but simply *assumes* that because the man is paying attention to her he wants a relationship, she should not be considered as having been used. If anything, she's the one at fault for expecting more than sex without him agreeing to commit to more. He's not using her if there are no set agreements. As far as he's concerned, they've both agreed to sex and that's it.I find this language rather sexist. It makes men out to be the deceitful sex that is conniving and untrustworthy. It makes women out to be feeble minded and not capable of consenting to a purely sexual relationship. It assumes that a woman cannot have sex as an equal with a man that she is not in a relationship with.What does everyone think?
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female
reader, peapod  +, writes (27 May 2013):
Thank you! If everyone was able to look at it like this men wouldn't be seen as douches and women wouldn't be called s^^ts. It is equally consensual and enjoyable for both parties. The only way anyone could be us is if someone is expecting more than sex.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2013): I agree with you OP and I disagree with person12345 it can't be flipped.
We're each responsible for having our needs met. It's not up to me for example to define what something is when I'm already getting what I want.
Not my problem if they feel used because they didn't clarify that. A hell of a lot of women (and men too) work on the basis of assumption. They assume if we're having sex that it's going to lead to more. If that's what I want then I outline it early to make sure we're on the same page, otherwise I'll just be happy with the sex.
I have to disagree with female anon too. Women are just as capable of separating emotion from sex as men are, and men are just as susceptible to building an emotional attachment from sex.
Yes anon I have heard women give me compliments and tell me what I want to hear just to get sex, or money, or a gift or something else that they want from me.
The whole of humanity would have STI's if women were like men when it comes to sex? What a weird sexist statement to make. There are two people responsible for safe sex in every sexual encounter.
OP she is the perfect example of why people think that way. Women = pure, innocent virgins for whom sex is a special emotional act and men = domineering, uncaring assholes for whom sex is just a physical act.
Funnily enough that perpetual interpretation of woman as some kind of victim of male lust harms women more than guys in the sense that it leads to slut shaming. Women must be pure yada yada.
Thankfully though OP you can see that times and opinions are changing. I bet if this forum existed 20 years ago and you asked the same question most answers would be like female anons.
The truth is while there are some differences in male and female sexuality, attitudes are starting to become more equal on the matter. The idea that women are either pure virgins being used by men or dirty whores if they enjoy lots of sex with different partners is dying out. That has tonnes of benefits for us guys too as it stops us looking like some kind of bad guy. There are just as many feeble minded men as there are women. Time to put personal responsibility for sexual behaviour at the top everyone's agenda. Other than rape we're all responsible for what happens to us sexually.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2013): Men are just damned if they do, damned if they don't. If the woman wants only sex, then the man is supposed to be open to that possibility. In fact many women looking for casual sex will complain that men don't come right out and bluntly ask for just-sex himself often enough. If the man wrongly assumes she wants more than just sex, then he is sexist for assuming that. But if she really wanted more than just sex, then the man becomes a jerk for only having sex with her EVEN IF SHE EXPLICITLY TOLD HIM THAT IS ALL SHE WANTED. Figure that out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2013): I agree completely with you. It is a sexist view and a cultural stereotype. You know what's also a sexist stereotype? Is that while men "use " women for sex, women "trap " men into marriage to "use" them for financial security and to get children and the means to pay for their rearing.In the end both genders are using each other for mutual gain! Men get sex from women, and women get money and assets from men. However of the two, getting used for sex seems to be commonly viewed as the more pitiful.In reality, there is no "using " unless lying and deceit and manipulation was involved. Or else one can swing the other extreme and say that any relationship ESPECIALLY marriage involves using the other person otherwise what is the benefit for choosing to start and continue the relationship rather than be on your own?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (7 May 2013):
I agree 100%.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2013): Ok, have you ever heard a version of a woman saying a bunch of compliments to a guy, telling him that he is the perfect guy for her just to get sex from him and drop him immediately after that. Probably not. Guys do it all the time until they find this perfect for them woman. Most of the guys in especially very young years absolutely don't want to date anyone. Why to date one person, if they can have a different one every night with no strings attached. They are not coming up to a girl telling her that all they want is sex, because probably vast majority of women will say no. So what they do to have their sex, they lie, they pretend that they are in love and they really like the girl. This is when the term a woman was used comes into game. And forget about equality issue when it comes to sex. If we were like men, the whole humanity will die out from STDs. That's first, and second one we don't have sex like men do, we get attached very fast, we are emotional when it comes to sex. Don't try to compete with men in sex area. They dont give birth, we do. This equality issue went too far, really. We are not the same, you can't argue with that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your response person12345'You could just as easily flip that, that if a man doesn't want it to progress into anything it's on him to be up front.'To my mind, the default setting when a man and a woman engage in consensual sex is that it's just sex. So there's nothing to be upfront about. Yes it would be nice to clarify that they're in it only for sex but it would still only be supererogatory rather than necessary to do so. When you consent to sex with someone you're not consenting to providing any emotional commitment are you? That is unless you've had the discussion prior to sex and one party has lied about their intentions. Only then can one said to have been used.'They are saying that sometimes a guy will continue to shower attention and/or lies on a woman to get sex from her.'I agree that if the guy has lied then that is using.But if he's just showering attention without having explicitly promised anything from the outset, it is unreasonable to feel used afterwards. He didn't promise to anything so it's unfair to feel like you are owed anything more than just sex.No?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2013): I do find it annoying when i've told people that i'm in a FWB situation and been met with "Oh so your just using the poor girl for sex then!"
I agree OP so many relationship issues are treated differently depending on the sex of the person.
Ive seen questions come up on here where the response to a woman asking a question, is far different to the response a male OP gets for asking the same question.
example...
Q: "My BF says Im too nice"
A: "You poor thing, he doesnt deserve you!"
Q: "My GF says im too nice"
A: "stop acting like a mummies boy and man up!"
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (6 May 2013):
Two people whom mutually agree to be friends with benefits, are using each other for sex. And they know it.
Someone (guy or girl) is used for sex if he/she is tricked into a fake relationship on the promise of "something more than sex" by the counterpart.
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A
female
reader, maisy1 +, writes (6 May 2013):
I agree. So many of my female friends slag blokes off for being a user and a liar...yet they knew damn well before getting into bed with the guy that he just wanted sex. They bed a guy knowing he just want no strings sex, then complain when he doesn't stick around or fall in love with them. Then all their girl friends gather around slagging the guy off for being a user and a liar...! WTF! Ive been in FWB situations knowing what the situation was and being fine with it. Friends have said "Aw sweety your so naïve, he's just using you!" in a tone that suggest they were talking to a child. Grrrr!Digressing slightly, I once told a female friend that I had tried anal sex with my boyfriend...for some reason she just assumed my BF must have forced me into it or somehow blackmailed me into trying it. I had female friends at school who chased boys for sex, they would hassle lads to sleep with them from a young age. Then, when they got pregnant, it was the lads who were seen as some kind of sexual predator taking away the innocence of some school girl. Men want sex. Its in their nature. Many men will happily have casual sex. Fair enough, its their choice. But us women don't have to go along with it. Yet so many women seem happy to sleep with guys who give them a load of bullshit and flattery and then wonder why he's lost interest the following morning. Or they sleep with someone on the first night they meet, continue sleeping with them for months, and then think to enquire about the status of the relationship after six months of giving out sex to the guy.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (6 May 2013):
 "If the woman wants a serious relationship, the onus falls on her to establish that the man is on the same page with her."
You could just as easily flip that, that if a man doesn't want it to progress into anything it's on him to be up front.
You seem to be misunderstanding what the phrase being used for sex means. People aren't saying that women who get into a friends with benefits situation are automatically being used for sex. They are saying that sometimes a guy will continue to shower attention and/or lies on a woman to get sex from her. That's what it means. Not that any woman having casual sex is being used.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (6 May 2013):
 It's a common social construct that many people believe. Many people believe that women cannot only want sex and ALL women either openly or secretly want relationships/marriage/children and cannot find a purely physical sexual relationship beneficial in any way.Unfortunately, it's part of the sexist culture that we have to deal with on an everyday basis.Strangely enough, because many people buy into this, women often use sex as a means to try and make a man "fall in love with her" and men know this and take advantage of it by continuing to sleep with a woman that they don't care about in order to continue receiving sex.It's not uncommon for women to think that a man being kind to them, spending time with them and paying attention to them is after more than sex because that's often the way relationships start. Without explicitly explaining that he's only after sex and not a relationship, it's easy for women to think that he's interested in her for more. So no, it's not solely the men's fault for not expressing that he's only after sex...It's BOTH parties responsibility to talk about what's going on. He can still end up hurting her if she really liked him and slept with him expecting him to return her affection.In the end, it's up to both people in this situation to be open about their expectations. It's not okay to not say anything assuming they know you're only after sex/relationships.
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