A
female
age
36-40,
*luAsThSky
writes:Hmm...I have thought about this issue for many many months but this is the first time I have written it down to try and talk about it...It's such a mess I almost don't know where to begin. My husband and I have this friend..well..he has this friend. She is married, like us, and is a workmate of my husbands. the 4 of us used to get together for double dates on the occasion that we all could make it, but usually it was just the 3 of us hanging out as her husband works the latest and she gets bored waiting for him to get off of work. How can I put this........? she has.. a very strong personality.Very..in controlof everything.She is sort of the leader of the little circle of people that I know.When we go out she decides where we go and what we do and how long we are there,etc.If she doesn't want to go then my husband doesn't want to go and then we don't go.When we do go out, she always right away takes control of the conversation, and no matter what the topic started off as, it always ends up being her gossiping about her and my husband's workmates that she does not like, with my husband occasionally commenting and me just nodding and listening. That or it ends up being about something that her husband did that day that got on her nerves.I am sort of the third wheel here because I don't know these people and even when I do think of something to say, whenever I go to say it she just talks over me or looks at me blankly for a second and then goes on like I had never said anything at all.I feel like I have tried very hard to get to know her better and become a closer friend to her. I have invited her to hang out just the two of us but she always has a reason to cancel at the last minute.I brought her presents and sent her food from dinners I had cooked,etc. Whenever I did this she never reciprocated,but she always said that I was her friend, however,I always got the feeling like I was being kept at arms length.She is very close with my husband though. He says she is his best friend and when they are not together he is always on his phone texting her.I once read a few of these messages and they really wounded me emotionally. He wrote her how beautiful she was and how he was so glad that she was in his life,and he even said he loved her.She said that if they were in a different world that maybe they could be together, but that they both were married and loved their partners.As inflamed as his texts were to her, hers to him were very cool like she didn't feel the same way as he did and I didn't really feel like they were cheating on me because of her responses.I think that she is using him for attention because her husband works really late and stays out with his friends and stuff like that, not giving her the attention that she needs or the relationship that she wants. Now that she is leaning so heavily on her friendship with my husband it has started to take away from my relationship,creating the same problems that she was running from in her relationship, to happen in mine, if not worse ones.I tried to speak to them both about these issues and it created a big rift between my husband and I.She told me that she never wanted to be my friend in the first place and that she only put up with me for my husbands sake and that she actually hates me and then she called me the B word.I stopped having any contact with her at this point, because it finally became clear that she didn't want to be friends with me and that there was nothing I could do to make myself more likeable to her.My husband's response was to pretty much put up an emotional wall and he refuses to see me as anything but a jealous wife His friend of course, encourages this behavior in him and its almost like they feed off of each other. I started to work more hours and I stopped being included in everything and it became him and her against the world. There wasn't really much I could do about that.. I tried many times to talk to my husband about this telling him how he was hurting me,what was happening to our relationship.. but it just made him get angry every time I tried to reach out to him..all he saw was a nagging,jealous wife who hates his best friend in the world and only wanted to argue all the time. Our relationship is pretty much in tatters. My husband and I have talked about not being together any more but it is not something that either of us seems to want,and although he says he still loves me and wants to be together... there is so much hurt and damage on both sides that we can't seem to connect like we used to.It's really only the memory of what it used to be like before he met his best friend that keeps me going most days, and I don't know what keeps him wanting to stay with me because at this point we don't really talk,We don't even make love anymore but we still fall asleep in each other's arms..but whatever it is, it is there. How can I get my husband to stop seeing me as the bad guy? How can I get his best friend to know her place and stop this power struggle without making things worse?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2013): I 'm sorry to say this but I think your marriage is already over... Your husband is just not interested in you, his wife, so what more is there to say or do? He has found someone else so he is not yours and you don't have a marriage anymore you have a roommate relationship with legal ties to each other.Are they having an affair? Yes they are. He wouldn't be so in love with her and calling her his best friend if she wasn't returning his attentions. Her texts to him are not as gushing as his to her? This just says that she is more careful to not leave evidence so that she still has an exit strategy. She is simply protecting her own interests, especially since they are co workers there could be legal issues if their relationship was public. it doesn't mean she hasn't verbally or physically returned his affections in private. She could also be restraining her texts as a way to maintain the upper hand in their relationship since she obviously is someone who has a need to be in control and feel powerful. And even if she wasn't as keen on him, the marriage is still over if he is chasing after other women rather than being content with his wife. I think its time to end this relationship officially since it has already ended. You're just platonic friends and roommates so why not make that official and not kid yourself anymore. Don't allow him to trick you saying he really wants to stay married. If his heart is with someone else but he wants you to stay married to him it just means he is keeping you as a back up in case she loses interest in him. In which case he wont be more interested in you than before he simply will be less uncomfortable. He has already chosen her over you, he simply is too much of a coward to make it official since she hasn't committed to him. Between him and you, it's time for you to be the strong one and do something.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2013): of course he doesn't want to divorce you - he doesn't want to be alone, and she isn't that romantically interested in him. But if she were to ditch her husband tomorrow, I can bet that your hb would ditch you too. How long has this been going on? If you have the stamina, just wait it out, don't do anything different, just tolerate it a bit longer to see where it's headed. Give it a few more months and see if he gets over his crush and comes back to you emotionally. Who knows, if he hasn't known her that long, then maybe eventually this crush will wear off and he will come back down to earth and realize how stupid he was. In that time, don't try to exert any control over him - no nagging or anything, because that won't influence him positively if anything it will push him away from you more.If, after a few more months, if things stay exactly like this or worsen, then this is a deal breaker and there's nothing you can do about it because if your spouse's heart and mind are not in the marriage it's not really anything that is within your control. The only thing that IS in your control is to end the marriage on your terms, or choose to continue it on his.She is not the problem, your husband is. That's why this is a deal breaker.
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A
female
reader, finalmailings +, writes (7 May 2013):
 Unbelievable. I was in shocking reading your post. I am very sorry that this is happening in your life. I hope what I am about to say to you is not taken as too harsh, I really just think that no person deserves to be treated the way you have been and hope you find enough love for yourself, to step out of it.You sound like a very nice person, maybe to a fault. It's time to start loving yourself first. Stop putting others needs ahead of yours. It sounds like you are not be loving to you, and other people are following that lead. Again, I don't mean to be hard on you, but there were several things you wrote that rang those bells. Your husband is having an affair, whether sex is involved or not, is irrelevant. Think about what you read in his text to her: "He wrote her how beautiful she was and how he was so glad that she was in his life,and he even said he loved her.She said that if they were in a different world that maybe they could be together"Let this hit you, a thousand times over. Really, really, really take that in. I wonder how your husband would feel if you had written this to another man? Considering the way he is acting and how checked out of the relationship he is, he might not care. But trust me, this is cheating, and would be a deal breaker for most people. To answer your question: "How can I get my husband to stop seeing me as the bad guy? How can I get his best friend to know her place and stop this power struggle without making things worse?" The answer is you can't. You cannot control people. If you are looking to do that, you are only going to be in more and more pain. Here's what you can do: Start respecting and loving yourself. Start asking how you got here, I suspect you have long accommodated others bad behavior and accepted the unacceptable. If so, ask why, and start to do the work it will take to change your pattern. You deserve better. What's going on, you cannot change, but you can change what you chose to accept. THIS IS KEY! You don't have to take this abuse. This is not love, this is "I am afraid to let go." Once you start putting yourself first and loving yourself fully, the answers will come to you. Good luck, I hope you find a truly loving relationship with you, and eventually a man who knows how to treat you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2013): I don't usually advocate marriage counseling; mainly because it is expensive; or one of the couple may refuse to take that step. Often people get a quack that sucks them for a lot of cash, and divorce is inevitable. In this case; I sense your marriage is salvageable. If you just figure out what to do.In your case, your husband is using another woman as a wedge and wall between you. He is refusing to communicate; because the situation is working heavily in his favor. He's on "cloud nine," knowing there is a woman who knows how to scare his wife into a submissive kitten. He can do whatever he likes without any fear of the consequences.You need to focus on your lack of self-esteem, low confidence, and timid nature. I say this because you sat there quietly and let that woman walk all over you.Assertiveness does not mean being combative or confrontational. It means making your presence known. Truly feeling confident in who you are, what you say and do; and appreciating the fact that you ARE a strong woman. When you sit in the company of this woman, you are so totally intimidated by her, that you acquiesced like a child as she dismissed you. You allowed her to talk over you, abruptly change the topic of conversation; and essentially showed you her ass. Like a red-assed baboon.She showed you who's the alpha-female in the pack. What you should have done was excused yourself very bluntly. "I was hoping there could be a conversation at the table for all of us to participate. Lets leave work at work, lets have some fun. Honey, do you agree?" Bring up topics on the news, whatever your husband likes to read,and plan for vacations. Everyone has suggestions on this topic of conversation. You and your husband are lacking open communication between you, thus she can bring up topics that exclude you. That's not really her fault.Always begin a new topic, directing it to your husband. Turning your eyes directly into his, as you take his hand. This forces him to redirect his attention where it belongs.He places you in the power position, and it forces her to see your strength as a person. She is no longer the center of attention and knocked completely off her pedestal. She called you a bitch and told you she didn't like you; because she knew you would be devastated by the fact that she is strong enough to say it out loud, and to your face. Once again, assuming the power position. Your husband doesn't come to your rescue. He sits there and allows it, because he sees a power struggle and he is the prize. He gives her attention as the surrogate husband. He diminishes her spouse's position in his marriage. This will make itself evident; because her over-confidence will come back to bite her. Her husband is going to knock your husband into another dimension one of these days. People don't have to have sex to be having an affair. Sex will eventually happen. There is too much opportunity and you mentioned there is no sex in your marriage at this point. He'll find it somewhere. She has expressed her willingness to accommodate him. She makes sure she doesn't say anything to incriminate herself on text messages. She knows you or her spouse could catch on, so your husband will look like the guilty party. She's a woman, she knows wives snoop through their husband's messages and e-mails. Don't be so naive.She is strong enough to turn the tables around to make your husband look like the culprit behind this mess. She is cunning, and obviously a very intelligent woman. She'll make a huge slip, and it will be toxic to her own marriage. Her man hasn't been around to see what she's doing. Even if you told him, he would despise you for it. Don't even think about that tactic. It will certainly backfire. No tit for tat!His male pride will force him into the position to protect his wife's honor (and his ego) and he is going to put your hubby's lights out. He is out of the picture most of the time. His guilt/ego will never let him accept the fact that he is neglecting his wife, and she is emotionally attached to another man. Your husband. The guy filling in where he is falling short. Your husband is treading on thin ice.Your man doesn't respect you, nor does she. You let things go on far too long before deciding to do anything about it. So at this point, anything you do regarding his relationship with her is of little consequence. You are a passive-aggressive person and she is an out-going take-charge woman. She can influence his thinking when you're not present. He confides in her. He trusts her. That's what your husband is attracted to. He feels empowered by the threat that if you cause any trouble, he has her waiting to console him. His snuggling is only to appease you and to keep your defenses down. He fears divorce (your trump card); because it will be costly and you will gain strength and independence on your own. She isn't giving up her marriage. She doesn't have to. She she has two husbands. Yours and hers. It's win win for your husband, and a total convenience for her. You're the meek little guppy in this pool of sharks.She isn't going to give up the financial stability and comfort of her marriage. She'll simply tap into your man for whatever her man can't deliver. Time and attention.It's like you're non-existent in this picture.Insist on marriage counseling. Take some courses in assertiveness. Read everything you can get your hands on, to learn to build your self-confidence. Not for him. Not for her. FOR YOU!!! You need to be stronger for a lot of reasons.If the marriage fails, you will have to depend on your own strength for survival. If your marriage continues, you will have to be sure you have your husband's respect. Love is useless without it. You have to be prepared to see divorce as a possible alternative; if all other measures to save your marriage fail. You have to be able to handle facing the world alone without fear. You give in too easily, and you have a wall between you and the man you married. You have no clue how to get around it. Again, he wins. When your husband realizes that you are handing down an ultimatum, he will be more willing to make a firm decision. YOU TAKE MATTERS INTO YOUR OWN HANDS WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE THE FULL SUPPORT OF YOUR SPOUSE. You haven't done anything to deserve being disrespected. You may have faults, but that's only human. If he really wants to save your marriage, he'll be cooperative. You have to be willing to let him go; if that is what it takes to regain your sense of well-being, dignity, and personal happiness. He doesn't defend you (he shouldn't have to, against another woman), he doesn't validate your feelings, and he calls another woman his best friend. You don't even have sex anymore. So what does it mean for you to remain in this situation as it is? Develop muscle. Empower yourself. Take charge of your life, and make decisions that will lead to your personal happiness. With or without him. She no longer exists. It's about you and your husband.Why are you allowing things to just hang in limbo; taking no proactive measures in at least saving what's left of your dignity? What kind of marriage do you have when your husband values the friendship of another woman over his marriage to you?Seek counseling to get someone who will level the playing field. Cut all ties and contact with that woman. You can't stop her from seeing your husband, because they are work associates. She has the upper-hand there. She keeps tabs on you because he tells her your every move. So let her catch word of possible divorce, or marriage counseling. That will scare the wits out of her. Things will come up she isn't willing to discuss with her husband. Our friend's marriage is strained, and she may be the probable cause of it! So you are left with the responsibility to figure out how to regain your position as your husband's best friend, partner, and lover. That does not mean he cannot have female friends or friends of his own. That isn't the case here. His friends shouldn't mistreat you as his wife. A marriage counselor gives both parties the opportunity to determine what the core of the problem is. Why is he values her friendship over his own marriage. That will give you both the opportunity to express feelings that are difficult to disclose openly to each other. When you see no progress, you end the counseling; and call a lawyer. Maybe he doesn't know how to express his feelings openly; so he avoids the task. You are cut off, so you are held frozen in time and space. Totally helpless and confused.That's where the counselor comes into play. Both sides has something to say, and a counselor will guide you on a path back to partnership. You (as a couple) are too estranged at this point. The succubus has not broken her hold. He's under her spell. You are at an impasse in your marriage. Settling for "cuddling" in the place of passion and love-making.Divorce should be your last resort. Don't give up without a fight. Find help and you will discover what he sees in her that he doesn't see in you, and you will find new strength knowing you pulled your marriage from the clutches of another woman who "hates" you.Best of luck to you and your husband. I hope things work out. I'm in your corner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2013): Everyone who post may have a different view from what I'm going to put, but here my tuppence worth.. If you act like a mat, you will get walked over. I think you have been very generous considering what has been going on here.. She doesn't really want your husband, but she doesn't want him with you either., this lady ( I'm being mega polite here) needs and loves her ego being stroked and boy does your hubby do it.. He in lust with her or has a mega crush, I use these terms as he doesn't know the real her, she sees him at work, out and about and he gets the facade of that personality ., I mean we all have different faces for different people.. By declaring to her this obsession he has with her, he is under minding your love and relationship.. How can you repair something that is in emotional tatters? First... Tell your husband you will not be undermined by this women.. You are his wife .. Either he steps up to the plate and acts like a husband or the game is over.. You are not a jealous wife. Would he be happy if you were texting some guy, multiple times aday, declaring your love for them, I think not!! 2ndly remind him every action has a reaction .. 3rdly be prepared that this will end badly, you may have to stand your ground to salvage anything . If he opts to divorce or split.. Tell him fine.. Do not beg or plead . Tell him you will name her as reason of your split divorce as emotional Affair also I would if me ( as when pushed I am a bitch ) make a point of letting her hubby know of the situation .You cannot continue like this.. He is having at least of what you do know an emotional affair.. To gain some self respect you need to start acting strong and an itch ( as certainly this other women is) Also when you have your chat make sure the comments that she said to you, you say to him, that she tolerated you as a friend nothing more .. Tell hubby ditto , you also did the same to keepHim happy but no more.. Either he ends this emotional affair with her or he ends your marriage, his choice.. But he better think carefully as when he finds she won't leave her hubby and he all alone you will not be taking him back.. Your not playing second best for any man. Be strong.. Chin up.. Walk proud.. Don't let him walk all over you. As he may start wiping his feet.. Keep us posted.. Lou x
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (6 May 2013):
This story really breaks my heart to read because I feel like you have done everything any reasonable person would suggest. I think unless your husband is willing to work on the marriage then it will keep going no where and the marriage will only get worse.
The issue is not this woman. I also feel like she feeds off the attention of your husband and she has seen good nature and chosen to take advantage of it as much as possible without crossing any boundaries. Perhaps she is also controlling because realistically, she has no control over her life, gossip, emotions and her own husband and seeks to control others as her way of satisfying that idea.
The issue is your husband who has ultimately sided with his friend. The mere fact that he chooses to not go out if his "friend" is not going out seems a bit tactless to me. He has allowed himself to be manipulated and has placed his efforts into someone who does not need help. Perhaps he has indulged in this woman's needs because men often like to feel their efforts are actually solving something, although this seems like a poor excuse for his actions.
My Dad and step mom had a similar problem. My dad was emotionally involved with another woman for many weeks and eventually it all exploded. He talked to me and told me that "they were just talking" and that "she was just a friend". While I do agree with that, I knew there was more to it. He went out of his way to call and talk to this woman, making sure his drives were slow in order to talk to her more. Not to mention he had to hide many conversations. But my dad could never gain a step above my step mom. When things exploded she made it clear that what he was doing was wrong, especially since her family sort of realised what was going on as well. I told my dad he should have known better because he knew he was hiding it and this sort of thing would hurt my step mom, which is why it was wrong.
My point is that what your husband is doing is wrong, and other than a mutual agreement to make things better, he will never come around. Or perhaps he comes around but this will only be until he realises what he is doing is wrong and the woman rejects him. Although I can only see her rejecting him when her own husband pays attention to her. My step mom was able to get a grip of my dad because the house belonged to her, so it was in her power to kick him out should things come to it. So I am unsure if you have such power at your disposal.
I feel like there are only two choices available to you...either wait it out or move out, ending the marriage in divorce. If I were in your situation I would find to hard to believe that my spouse has chosen someone other than me. As a result, I would have left this marriage. I know this is not what I signed up for. I don't think your husband will leave you just yet because you could be his fall back in case things does not work out with his friend. Waiting is your other option but you would need to have a strong stomach for that. Perhaps you can befriend someone and level the playing field.
Perhaps some other AA can help you although I feel like most will opt for you to leave this toxic marriage before it gets worse.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (6 May 2013):
 First, a big hug to you, it sounds as if you need it!
Professional counselling will help, tell your husband you are worried your marriage is heading down a path of no return and you want to stop the rot.
He is besotted and she is a bitch.
Look after yourself financially, just in case things get worse. Make sure any joint or dual accounts are secure and that he cannot remove or transfer any funds without your knowledge or signature.
If he wont go to counselling go by yourself, the financial outlay will be worth it, you will gain some insight into the situation as well as some strategies to deal with it.
Good luck.
Make sure any debts he incurs and his only.
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