A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 34yo, I have been divorced for almost 2 years. I have been dating this man for almost 4 months. He too has been divorced for almost 2 years. We get along great, he spends every spare second with me. I recently lost my job and he is completely supporting me. He stays the night several nights a week. My children love him (I have 2) and he seems to be equally crazy over them. on the surface everything seems perfect, but my question is this....he says that he will never get married again. I DO NOT want to get married right now, but I know that I do someday, am I wasting my time with him???? We did discuss him moving in about a month ago, he brought it up. When I asked him when he was going to, he said I was pressuring him. and that was his answer every time I brought it up...so I haven't since. This man is a True find...He says he loves me but he is not one to "talk" about his feelings...and I am very insecure due to my past. He is not very passionate, so I am taking that as maybe he is not as "in love" with me as I am him. When I told him that, he said that love is love and he loves me...and its not him to show his feelings...I feel that something is lacking because he don't reassure me. So am I Just a girlfriend or do we have a future??? I am truly in love with him, but if we don't have a future, I want to get out now. I don't want a year or so to pass and us still be "dating". I am a grown woman and I want a partner not a "boyfriend". How do I know if we have a future, if he is in love with me and just taking it slow or if what we are now is all we will ever be??? I am scared to bring it up again because I don't want to push him away, but I need something to go by. and last but not least, he is not as into sex as I am. He is happy with once a week, but I have a very large desire. He is very quiet in bed, and don't ever approach me for it. I have learned his signs and know when he is wanting it. am I using sex as a tool for reassurance? all in all, he is a wonderful man, and I can honestly see myself with him for a very long time, but I want to know how he truly feels inside.
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male
reader, weparley +, writes (5 March 2010):
All honestly... I wouldn't be talking about marriage (period) seeing that you just got out/going throw a divorce.
Caringguy said. Why does a piece of paper make you feel worthy? Why don't you leave things that way they are now?
Besides... "A guy with a low sex drive???
"He won't be around long" "trust me"
A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (5 March 2010):
Okay well I think you need to stop worrying so much about "losing him" because nothing drives a man away faster than that. You need to grow a spine and be clear with him about what YOU want. If you want marriage to be on the table in the future then say so. And I think 4 months is WAY too soon to be talking about moving in together, so I might take that off the table for the moment. Also I know you say he is a "true find" but then you go on to complain that he doesn't talk about his feelings or open up, and he doesn't have a compatible sex drive.
Are you sure he's such a great find? Is this the next marriage you want? Stuck with a guy who won't talk to you or satisfy your desires?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (5 March 2010):
Marriage to him means nothing at this time because he's already been divorced. It's interesting that there are more women than men who place importance on that bit of paper, assuming it means commitment. It doesn't. You've both already been through divorces, and not all that long ago. The answer is yes, you have a future, but perhaps as a partner and not a wife. You say he's a good man, your kids love him and such. This is a man who loves you. He really does. But to him marriage as such means nothing because it's already gone wrong. So you now have to ask the question, are you happy knowing you're loved with a great man, but perhaps won't get married, or would you rather throw this man away and find a man who does want marriage. Bearing in mind what I said about the whole 'marriage' thing in the first place. It means nothing unless the two people are truly committed n the first place.
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A
female
reader, Patience2002 +, writes (5 March 2010):
I've been told a man knows what he wants and he goes after it, which includes marriage. If he truly loves you he will want to make sure he hangs on to you. If a man says he will never get married again I think what he is really saying is that he will never get married to you. If what you really want is too be married and settled then move on. You have a plan in mind for yourself and your children. Plans require action. The only I action I see in this is that he wants to play house without any long term committment and that's not what you want.
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