A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my ex boyfriend have been talking and friends. He called me one time a couple weeks ago. Every time I try and talk like friends he always says he misses me. I really don’t believe he does miss me because he would try to win me back. He really hurt me and I can never forget that but I still like talking to him. My recent boyfriend who picked up the pieces my old boyfriend broke has been taking things slow. My new boyfriend is so great and I think it could really work out with him. But why do I still feel attached to my ex? My new guy is the better choice and he cares about me while my ex isn’t trying to win me back. I want to be friends with my ex but it’s obvious that he just tells me he misses me which hurts me. I love talking to my ex but if he’s just playing with my emotions idk. Do u think that I should continue talking to my ex even though its obvious my boyfriend is my choice?
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (10 August 2010):
Hello there. It sounds like your ex hasn't moved on yet. Clearly he hasn't met anyone else, or why would he be calling. Because of this, he's reverting back to familiar ground - which was when he was with you, because it feels safe. Well at least the memory of it anyway. So hence, the reason for the phone calls. The bottom line is, change is hard. Any kind of change requires some conscious actions and forming new habits. It does require some effort, and maybe he can't be bothered.
Also if you broke it off with him, his pride is probably hurting a bit. Another reason for a last ditch effort at trying to get you back.
You say you like this new guy and feel that it could work out well. To keep contact with your ex is jeopardising that happening. I assume your new man doesn't know, otherwise he'd be upset with you.
Also, is the contact by both of you or is your ex the only one doing the calling?
If your ex continues to call, just keep it short, but respectful. Don't talk on for hours. Perhaps even end the call after no more than 5 minutes. Do that every time he calls. But just be a bit aloof to him and don't show interest. Whenever he says "I miss you" - say nothing. Don't give a response, almost as if you didn't hear him. Ignore it altogether. Even if he says it again. He probably wants you to say - "I miss you too". So he's testing the waters, to see if you still feel anything for him.
And whatever you do in talking to your ex, DO NOT get into any heavy conversation about how he hurt you or how things were (when they were good). That's probably the worst thing you could do. Bad Move !! Won't prove anything, nothing to be gained. And be happy, otherwise he will think you are missing him. Because after all, you are happy! If he tries to bring up the past, quickly change the subject - just don't go there at all. Better still, say - "Look, I really have to go now - I have to be somewhere" (and don't give details, leave it at that). Also, don't tell him anything about your new relationship, it's none of his business. Don't go there either.
If you like this new guy a lot better, and being honest about your feelings, the ex doesn't stand a chance. Eventually, your ex will stop calling once he sees you are no longer interested. Also, the fact that you cut the calls short all the time. The longer you prolong this speaking to your ex, the more harm it will do your new relatioship.
You as well as your ex, both need to close the door on the old relationship once and for all, and just move forward. You can't live in the past - it's history and gone forever. You are wasting all your present moments by doing so, because it's just preoccupying your mind unnecessarily. It's a mere distraction. Enjoy your new man and give him a fair go, because he sounds like he's well worth the effort. You at least owe him that.
The fact that you love talking to your ex might be that the breakup with him was not so long ago. So the wounds from him are still a bit raw. You need to keep reminding yourself of what he did to hurt you, and ask yourself would you like to go through all that again. Surely the answer would have to be NO. History usually does repeat itself. Remind yourself about that - often.
In any relationship, from the very beginning you need to let each other know that you won't accept crap from anyone. Just stick up for what you believe in and don't back down. And again, it's not what you say but how, to get your point across. It never requires nagging or shouting. Don't allow any differences to become resentments, because they can really destroy a relationship over time. Be honest with each other.
I hope I have shed some light for you. Best Wishes.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 August 2010):
 Let me ask you this - if your new boyfriend were keeping his ex as close as you're keeping your ex, how would you feel about his keeping in contact with her?
Honestly? I think you're using your new boyfriend as a way to hurt your ex and get him back. You sound like you want your ex to "win you back", so to speak because he hurt you. You're keeping him around just to make him feel the pain of missing you while at the same time stringing along this new guy who you would drop if your ex made all the proper noises about how much he loves you and what a mistake he made and so on.
What you're doing isn't fair to your new boyfriend, and you're about to hurt him like your ex hurt you. Cut off all contact with your ex. The boost to your ego that his "missing you" isn't worth it.
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A
female
reader, nique12 +, writes (10 August 2010):
you may feel that way because there is still a part of you that says “im not ready do give him up yet”,and the other part saying“give him up because he hurt you”.so let him go if you think your ex hurt you tremendously.i would but its your decision follow your brain or your heart.
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A
female
reader, nique12 +, writes (10 August 2010):
you may feel that way because there is still a part of you that says “im not ready do give him up yet”,and the other part saying“give him up because he hurt you”.so let him go if you think your ex hurt you tremendously.i would but its your decision follow your brain or your heart.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2010): If your boyfriend was your choice then you wouldn't need to ask us this. Of course you're not over your ex, you imply in your question that you're disappointed that he's not trying to win you back and yes he's playing with your emotions.
You want this new guy then stop playing games with your ex, you know what he's doing and you know you want him to keep doing it. That's not fair on this new guy because you're continuing to develop your feelings for your ex behind his back.
Make the choice now, your boyfriend or your ex, if you want to keep to emotionally cheating on your boyfriend with your ex then it's better if you call it off.
To me it sounds like this new guy is just plan B and you're still waiting around hoping that your ex will come and try and win you back.
If you want to move on from your ex and really give this new relationship a go then cut contact completely with your ex stop letting him undermine this new guy with his bullshit 'I miss you's' he's doing that to make sure you don't move on and wants to make sure he keeps you unhappy and missing him. A nice guy would let you go and let you live your own life, instead of playing these games. Something tells me you won't stop him though, as much as you say you want him to stop as it hurts, I think deep down you'd love to think he was still into you.
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A
female
reader, lockwood11  +, writes (10 August 2010):
I think you need to let go. Its obvious that you still feel something for him. You need to remember what he done to hurt you and end all conversation with him for your current relationships sake
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A
female
reader, Lotsalove. +, writes (10 August 2010):
 Alot of people still talk to their exes even when they are the ones that broke them, cheated, physically or emotionally abused them. You've been intimate and close with these guys/girls so you always have that 'something' for them, even if it just friendly. BUT ex's are ex's because they are an EXample of what you shouldn't have. Theres a reason why they're your ex's and the sooner you realise that, the sooner you will be able to disconnect from him. You don't need to be horrible to him, just make it to clear to him that you've moved on and you are not offering any more than friendship. Your current boyfriend sounds like a good guy, and that's exactly what you deserve.
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A
male
reader, Kenj +, writes (10 August 2010):
 I think you should focus on your new boyfriend, he obviously loves you. Your ex will move on in time as will you.
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