A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunts. Can I have your opinion on this: If one partner in a relationship is divorced with kids and the other never married no kids, what responsibility does the divorced partner have in the relationship? Is it less than if he had no kids or is it the same in terms of emotional input (- don't mean money) and respect and treating the woman well? Do you somehow get a free pass to behave less well because you have an ex and kids? Shouldn't you love and cherish and protect your woman? My sister is taking on a lot, being partnered by a divorced father of 2 who seems to think she should always accommodate them, never have a say in their plans and always count as last. She excuses him because he has kids. I don't agree with her. Now we are angry with each other. He is very good to his children and does not come across as a bad guy so I don't know what the problem is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): If you choose a man with kids then the kids will always be put before the partner. It is not a great situation but it is true. I used to argue all the time with my ex husband about him putting his children before me and he swore he didn't but he did time and time again. Some people are better able to cope with this than others. I grew resentful and irritated by it although I knew that him putting his kids first was pefectly acceptable. What I couldn't cope with was having the kids dumped on me with no notice because the ex's wanted a break, holidays ruined because one of the kids was sick so he didn't feel he could go etc etc. As one poster has said it becomes easier to deal with if you already have your own kids as it then works both ways but for a singleton to be bombarded with so much baggage it is really hard. The ex factor . baby mama crap also becomes intolerable and money is often tight with maintenance payments which again adds to stress and brewing resentment. I would explain to your sister the pitfalls but she may well not listen if she is loved up. All credit to her if she can cope with this, don't interfere too much or she may turn against you.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (20 January 2013):
 To be blunt. One woman rejected him, could it be she had legitimate reasons to do so?
Is the guy an asshole because he has an ex OR does he have an ex because he is an asshole?
If the relationship is as you describe, then he is an asshole. Getting her to accept this is impossible, either she learns on her own or she will just get used to it. Some people want to be a doormat.
Stay well clear, the harder you try to pull her away, the more she will cling.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): When a single, childless woman becomes involved with a divorced father of minor children, she should be acutely aware from the start that it's a package deal including the children's mother as part of the package for the duration, and any responsible father will ALWAYS put his kids first, which means by definition that the new girlfriend will ALWAYS come second.
A divorced parent's responsibility should be to do his best to minimize the trauma of his children's home and family being broken up from under them by establishing as much consistency and normalcy in their lives as possible to that end, which means by definition that bringing a female stranger into his home and injecting her into his children's lives is usually a pretty reliable recipe for fueling anger and resentment in his kids.
While I wouldn't have advised your sister to get involved with a single dad for those reasons, I commend her for apparently realizing that his kids and his parenting of them are none of her business so therefore she is wisely butting out, which is precisely what you should be doing. Your unwelcome, unwanted, and unnecessary interference can only make an already non-idyllic situation worse. If you coerce your sister into issuing an ultimatum to boyfriend to choose her or the kids, then the kids will win and she will lose (as she no doubt already knows).
You are totally out of line. Best thing you can do is apologize to your sister and in the future keep your opinions to yourself, even if asked, which I doubt you will be or have been.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (20 January 2013):
Well, there’s no reason why he should love her less, or be less required to cherish and care for his partner than he would be if he didn’t have kids. Forget the ex, it’s the kids that are the issue here. If he’s always putting her last and not taking in to account her feelings at all, having kids doesn’t excuse him from responsibility for that fact. However the reality is that his children will always come first even if that means sacrifices on his part, and the part of his partner. Unfortunately that’s the deal you sign up to when you date some-one with kids, and the hard truth is that if you don’t like it the relationship’s got no future. I can understand your concerns, he’s probably a nice guy and your sister thinks a lot of him. It’s not that he’s allowed to treat her less well because having an ex and kids allows you to behave poorly towards your significant other, but he’s less free to put her and her needs first because if they conflict with those of his kids, they’ll always win out.
Dating some-one with kids may be easier for people with children of their own; for a person with no kids, they’re often signing up for something they don’t understand: that is, a relationship where they’re expected to know they’ll always come second place. Not only do they have to accept the kids as a reminder of his past, try to get on with them (for the partner’s sake even if they don’t have any wish to bond with them) and accept them as the partner’s priority. Many people can’t handle that, and no-one expects them to. But this isn’t a component of a relationship you can choose to opt in or out of. Unfortunately this won’t change for your sister and I think she knows this. Indeed, she may be totally happy with it. Maybe they think enough of each other that they both accept the situation and make the best of it as far as building a relationship together goes. She may respect him in large part because she approves of him as a father to the kids. This isn’t worth you falling out over though so try to bite your tongue.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 January 2013):
 You can disagree with her, and stay away from divorced dada with kids. If you take up with a divorced parent, you know and accept that his / her top priority will always be his children,to an extent. I say to an extent because there's people who play the " my children " as an excuse to pull out any emotional investment from the relationship, and to do whatever they want without taking into any account whatsoever their partner's wants and needs. Which might be the case of your sister's partner.
But if you refer to stuff like organizing your weekends and vacations around the kids' schedule, and putting their kids emotional and material wellbeing before ANYTHING else, etc... well, that's what a parent does, so if you don't like it , there are so many childless single men around.
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