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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I am very inexperienced, and am still a virgin at 19. I want a girlfriend who will be loyal, loving, beautiful and giving. I have some confidence issues when it comes to girls. The few compliments I ever get, other girls tell me about a girl talking about me way too late and I never pick up any signs. My ex had hooked up with bad boys before our relationship and the whole relationship I felt like I was settled for, which eventually broke it up. Is it fair to expect any future girlfriend not to have more experience than me and to not have dated a "bad boy" then? I want my girlfriend to be with me for being exciting not because I am going to have money or stability. I don't want to be an investment but a person to want. Having a paycheck to attract girls makes me feel worse about my lack of game with women. I have tried becoming the bad boy instead but I have overdone it and just come off as self loving narcissist, which is fun every once in a while, but yields no results. So is holding the expectation possible?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI will try to stick to who I am and see where it goes. Classes are going tp tske up my time this semester so I am going to avoid the idea of dating for a while. Starting next summer, I will see. Of course, a big issue I have is knowing if I truly want a girl or not. I am not sure how to fix that.
As for rejections, I have gotten them before from girls who said... i dont drink, smoke, not tall enough. I hope it works out though. Some of my friends, girls too, notice when i like someone and tell me to go for it and I say no for two reasons.. 1) at the moment i would not have time to give them my all 2) I get nervous in high pressure situations like that
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female
reader, Agneta  +, writes (25 January 2013):
 Sorry for late respons.No, I did not mean that the only course of getting women is to either be a bad boy or wait for them to finish with the girl. I meant with my post to say that there are many ways of looking upon the situation and by limiting yourself so narrowly you risk missing out on the happiness you are looking for. As most others here have said in various ways already :).The girl you describe in your follow up seems like a female douche bag to me. You had the bad luck to meet somebody who treated you badly, not all girls with a past will talk like that to you about their previous guys. Or even think about their previous guys once they found you. When you meet a new girl, let it take some time and get to know her well before you decide what you want. It is nothing wrong to wanting to be serious about this. But I do think that you can't control this too much if you want to meet the right one for you, the one that will make you happy. Wish you luck and tell us how it goes!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2013): OP you need to try to stop projecting any rejection back onto yourself like that. If you start picking yourself apart and inventing reasons for every rejection then it's no wonder your confidence is at rock bottom. You need to realise that these are not the opinions of the girls that don't respond to your flirting. They are the ideas you have about yourself and your perceived (and I promise inaccurate) shortcomings. Unless they outright tell you that not smoking weed or whatever is the reason they don't like you, then you are just guessing and making yourself feel terrible in the process. And if they do reject you for something like that then you need to realise that they were not the girl for you. You seem to have forgotten that you have the right to pick what you like and don't like about girls too, it shouldn't be about you changing to fit the mould you think girls like. Although it might seem like it sometimes, not all girls like idiots. I for one have never gone for all that cocky BS some guys have going on and I'd finish with a guy for smoking weed. I'm a lingerie model too so it's not that I've not had offers from these bad boys either, it's just not what I'm looking for. You will find someone who is right for you, exactly as you are, if you start being true to the guy you are not the guy you want to be like/think you should be. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hope I see it your way eventually. I just have the expectation that something HAS to come from the effort eventually. When it doesn't, its like wasted effort. Whenever I try to flirt with a girl I don't feel as though I learn anything afterwards. The rejection feels more along the lines of physical/mental things I can't change, like thinking I am too boring because I don't smoke weed or something like that.
A professional is something I might need but can't get. On top of a lot of work in school, my parents don't seem to think I need one and I can't afford one on my own.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2013): OP the trick is to embrace the fear and do it anyway. Like being scared of anything, heights, water, you just take the risk and you understand taking the risk is the reward itself.
OP you don't wait for a woman to fall out of the sky, you go pursue them, take rejection as a success seeing as you tried, use that to feel proud and go try again. We live in a world where the man still has to do the majority of the chasing, so it's up to you to go do that.
OP success isn't measured in such black and white terms, like you either get a great girl or you don't. Success is every little thing. Being rejected and not letting it bother you is a success, dusting yourself off after a shitty relationship and going trying again is a success. Each rejection, each failed relationship is a chance to hone your skills, learn some lessons and refine your criteria.
there is no on/off switch for confidence OP, it's about achieving tangible goals. In soccer that's easy, winning the match is the primary goal, not conceding is next, a draw is pretty good depending on your opponent but even if you lose you can still be man of the match, you can still feel pride in a loss and that gives you confidence to get on the pitch again. Dating is the same. Even when you lose you can take pride in your performance, if you fucked things up you can regain your pride by learning your lessons.
OP the only way you'll have faith in yourself is if you actually go do these things and don't give up.
Life is ten times harder when your so tough on yourself, you spend your life fighting against your thoughts and that's pointless and you know very well there are plenty of people out there more than willing to fuck your life over, so there's no need to do it to yourself.
Time to stop thinking and just do, maybe you should go see a counsellor OP for some extra insight.
It couldn't do any harm to talk to a professional who can flesh through the underlying reasons for all this and help you learn some better coping mechanisms.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2013): Here's the deal OP - you can't prevent rejection. It's impossible. You think if you get an inexperienced girl she will be happy to settle because she doesn't know any better right? Totally wrong! There is no guarantee that a relationship will last with anyone, no matter what their background is. You certainly can't plan your way out of rejection with an ill advised list of criteria. It will either work out or it won't. I think you need to go for some professional counselling to get over your rejection/abandonment issues and to improve your confidence. A relationship WILL NOT fix this for you, trust me, it will just give you a whole other list of issues (paranoia that she'll leave you/jealousy/trust issues/clinginess) which will more than likely drive any stable girl away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't understand how there is an on switch for confidence. I am sure my preference of inexperience for girls is something I can't change and I'm fine with that, but gaining confidence is just the toughest thing ever. I try to look positively at something.. 2 weeks later, something happens.. confidence shredded to lower levels than 2 weeks ago. I'm not sure what you mean by "working on my area of expertise" though. I know what you mean by the comparison thing making me miserable, and I've gone through pretty much everything save for the fake tits (obviously). Although I know myself that it would is near impossible to go on with a positive outlook if I'm alone. That is really my one fear, being alone/abandoned by a girl, I'm not scared of anything else on Earth really. I am glad everything's worked out for you, but I have trouble seeing that light at the end of the tunnel and feel if I don't have a girl fall out of the sky that I'm a goner. I'm not exactly sure how to beat this mindset either. Thinking to do this stuff is easy, but putting it in practice feels impossible. It's like failing to do anything and not learning anything to get it right next time. Plus, I have body issues regardless of how much I work out so rejections from a girl haven't gotten softer since the 1st one to the 15th one. Just worse. That's my real problem.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2013): I will either believe that the bad boy phase is normal for young women, or else I will believe that young women are more mature than young men. I will not believe both at once.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2013): You see that's a major problem OP. There are no guys you can compare yourself to except you.
Sure we are in competition with other guys, that's a given but you wrongly think that's grounds for comparison. It's not.
I mean you got jumped after what you did, but the satisfaction of preventing that was worth it, I'm sure. Again who's the better person?
Some drunk guy randomly goes around kissing girls, you give him a smack to mark your territory, again you're the better person.
OP your comparisons are skewed. Your prom date was a disrespectful slag, how anything she did is a negative reflection on you is beyond me. OP it's about quality, not quantity and she wasn't good quality, so again she did you a favour.
Your view of things is very distorted OP, you twist situations to be a negative reflection on you, but I don't see the situations you describe as being negative reflections on you at all.
OP dating and life are a lot like soccer, I'm an attacking midfielder when I play. I don't stand there admiring my opponents or my team mates, I look to get an advantage over them or play them in. I don't look at the other teams top scoring, twinkled toe, pacey midfielder jealous that he's better than me I figure him out, I slyly bring him down because he's through or I read the pass he's going to make so I can intercept and get moving forward. I'm not fast but I'm built and have a great engine, I don't dribble very well but I can land a pass on the penalty spot from inside my own half and I'm very strong so I can hold guys off and use that to move past them instead.
My point is OP I play to my strengths, I don't try the mazy run at defenders because that's not my ability, I hold the ball and pick the pass or play the striker in early. So twinkle toes passes me, or dispossesses me what good would it do if I suddenly let my head drop and took it as a negative personal reflection. It would do no good, I'd be a shit player, instead I become more determined to win the ball back and I chase him down. I don't stand there wishing I could dribble because I know damn well he can't pass like I can and good luck trying to get the ball off me on your own.
OP you don't compete by comparing yourself to others and thinking less of yourself. It's all in your head, no one else's so the solution is there too. Sure you can always improve on things but there's no point in working on tackles when you're a striker, no point in working on shots when you're a keeper. Do you get my point? You can't play all positions on the pitch OP, but can improve on what you're good at and improve skill pertinent to your area of expertise. Sure I see a similar player play a through ball in a way I didn't think of then I'll practice that, am I worse than him because I didn't? Nope, am I saddened that I'm not top scorer, no I'm pretty good in my own right.
You can't become a bad boy, you either are or you aren't if you try you'll just betray yourself and be a dick. That's what happened me, except I wasn't trying to be a bad boy, I'd gotten hurt so I decided to use lots of women for sex and was an asshole for that. It's only when I stopped that I got my current fiancée. Am I boring now, not exciting because I'm not a dick?
OP I started dating my fiancée when I was a fat, unhealthy, balding, broke, short guy 9 years older than her. I got her simply because I was happy, confident with who I was and where my life was going, and had no fear of anything. I've always been a person who will take risks and loves to do fun things. If I held myself up to comparison with other guys and let that become a negative reflection on me, then I'd be alone forever probably.
Instead I'm now a history teacher, who is extremely wealthy from some really smart investments when I was your age, ripped, a trophy winning martial artist, a volunteer DJ on community radio station, a dog breeder the list goes on.
There is no secret OP, I just look forward in life with optimism when I look in the mirror I see a guy I like, when I see a problem with what I'm doing, how I'm acting or who I am I look to myself to fix that. Being a bad boy doesn't get you girls OP, trying to copy other guys to become more successful doesn't either, you just have to be a more confident happy you and you just have to keep trying and taking risks.
OP people who compare themselves to others are never happy because there will always be someone better. People like that are the ones who get eating disorders, mutilate themselves with fake tits, ruin their relationships because they never feel good enough. They spend their lives regretting being them and always wishing they were someone else, that's a pretty, sad lonely life don't you think? Have to learn to appreciate who you are, like who you are and only ever compare yourself to yourself, no one else.
"Am I better than I was this time last year?" That's it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2013): I assume when you say 'bad boys' you mean confident guys who get lots of girls but treat them badly? Like guys who might lie to girls to get them into bed, then break their hearts afterwards? There are lots of guys like that out there and they can be hard to spot, so please don't judge girls you meet for having picked a loser in the past. That's what dating is - working out what you do and don't want in a partner. You often need to experience the bad to realise you don't want it. I can also assure you that these guys get all the girls because they have the confidence to believe they deserve to get any woman they want. That type of confidence can actually convince others to agree that the person is amazing and is very attractive.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): As others have said, this is 100% a confidence issue. For some reason you seem to have decided that all girls are going to think you are boring and not good enough compared to previous people they have dated. What a shocking way to think of yourself! I have to be honest, your attitude is a complete turn off and will cause you a lot more problems than dating someone who has dated 'bad boys' before ever will. You are coming across as negative, bitter and a little desperate, none of which is going to attract a girl. I would run a mile if I met you because no relationship will ever fix these issues. You need to work on your self confidence and accept yourself for who you are before you attempt to have a relationship with anyone or it will never work. I mean if YOU don't think you're worth anything why should anyone else?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Cerberus,
Thank you for your length response. I understand that girls don't know the difference as they are young. My breakup was months ago, I feel loads better because the girl did some stuff that made me realize that in no way would she have been future material.
Confidencewise, It isn't a problem in any arena besides women. I did a martial art as a teenager and have the utmost confidence getting physical in sports with people far stronger or taller than I am. Sunday Football(soccer) is like a rush of pleasure every time I score.
I do have an image of who I want to be. I have been working on it for about 3 years now. A better version of myself. Sure some things are probably impossible.. like being 6 foot tall or having smooth body (not hairy). Much muscle mass, leaning out later, there are still a million things I have to fix. But in essence it's a bad-ass version of myself a.k.a bad boy. For that reason, I don't see bad boys as terrible evil people I just see them as better at getting girls than I will be.
As for "fearing other guys", I have good reason to. My junior prom date left me during prom to go a "bad boy" who worked his charm. They had sex that night too. When I was with my ex, some badass drunk guy tried to kiss every girl at a Halloween party and the only one he couldn't kiss was my girlfriend because he got punched in the head by me while he was going in for the kiss. Plus, little people know this about me but I saved a girl from getting raped two months ago. I went to a club with a friend and try to feel better. As I went to my car after the club, ( I don't drink)I saw a girl I knew from college being chased into an alleyway. I ran after them and stalled until he missed his chance and she got away. But since this guy was about 10 years older than me and about 70 pounds on me, he and his "bad boy" friends jumped me soon after that in anger. Every guy mentioned in these instances does better with girls than I do, that's why I compare negatively to guys in general.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): Is it fair? Of course, preferences are always fair as long as you make sure you weed out girls early who don't fit into your criteria.
It's not fair on you though OP, you severely limit your dating pool by removing any girl who has ever had a shit boyfriend. That's most of them.
OP most women don't get with bad boys intentionally, at your age they generally just don't know any better, they're attracted to the guys confidence and don't get that it's actually arrogance. Some do of course but those girls just aren't going to date a delicate little flower like you. Sorry to sound insulting OP but that's exactly how you come across, you view yourself as some kind of second best to some douchebag ex, your ex had; slight bit a pansy going on there. The guy was an asshole, you're not you already are better than him.
Now I get it OP, you're probably still a bit hurt over how things worked out, you're now trying to figure out ways in which to prevent it but you're cutting off your nose to spite your face and tarring all women who have ever fallen for the charms of an asshole with the same brush.
That's not fair on you OP.
"The way I see it a girl who has boyfriends like that would see me as a "logical stability" choice"
Again OP, quit the generalizing, there are no set type of woman and women will see you the way you portray yourself OP. You let a woman walk all over you and she will see you as a doormat regardless if you're the only guy she's ever been with.
Your problem isn't that you have to live up to some bad boy ideal or compete with them, it's you have to become a man you are happy with, know your strengths and play to them, a guy who is confident and has no fear of what might happen with a woman or how he will be viewed. Maybe that's just the residue of the break up and you're still just grieving that or maybe you need to do something about making yourself proud of yourself and confident.
OP all you talk about is fear, "girlfriend/wife material", picking up the pieces, being second best. Well that's sexy as hell, hang on while I rip off my knickers for you. Oh wait, I'm not a girl and none of your attitude is attractive.
Stop being so defeatist and understand that dating, women, relationships are all about the fun. The fun of approaching a beautiful woman or making a move on a friend you like, the fun of taking her on a first date, the fun of your first kiss, the first time you get her alone, the first time you send "that was an amazing night, thank you", the list goes on. It's supposed to be fun OP, not some desperate need to find a wife or girlfriend, one who is a perfect angel and hasn't been "ruined" by an ex.
Out of all the things that are deal breakers and there are many (serial cheaters, 5 kids with 5 different men, painfully insecure, mentally unstable, judgemental, incompatible humour, low sex drive etc.), having a bad boy ex really is a stupid one if you ask me because it says nothing about the woman and everything about your self-belief.
That's not going to be fixed by dating a virgin OP, other issues will just arise from your lack of confidence. Maybe she will start a job where there's a particularly hot guy working there and you feel threatened, maybe her mother won't like you and you feel under pressure to become better that way.
Stop comparing yourself to other men and start comparing yourself to who you want to be and who you are. Don't like your body, work out. Want to be more intelligent, read, take up a night course. Want to be more confident improve yourself physically by taking up a martial art, improve yourself mentally by achieving the things you've always wanted to try, go to the places you've always wanted to see. Enjoy your life, enjoy women and get rid of this crippling over-analyzing fear you seem to have.
There's nothing to fear about other guys, why would you compare yourself to us so negatively?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question iAmHeretoToHelpYou, you just brought up something on my mind. You said you had crushes on bad boys. Fair enough. Point Proven. Even girls who wouldn't date them, give bad guys something. They get a side of girls I'll never get. Girls nervous to talk to them, Girls fawning over them, Girls wanting to be physical with them. Girls doing their best to impress them. I want that raw attention that girls seem to only give to them. Which is why I'd rather go with a less experienced girl who isn't settling down after fun. Bets are a girl who's been with a bad boy will be less open to do stuff with me since I don't measure up.
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reader, oldbag  +, writes (20 January 2013):
 Hi
All I am saying is don't assume all girls are like your Ex after dating a bad boy. Few would really want to share their experiences like she did,you just got unlucky.And listened.
If you date around you will find that girls are all different,just as you are.Its a case of win some,lose some.
At your age there are more innocent girls than you'd find aged in 20s or 30s though.Good luck with your search.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe way I see it a girl who has boyfriends like that would see me as a "logical stability" choice, while the bad boy was done on temptation. Meaning they have gotten with and done more with the bad boy in a shorter amount of time then I would ever have with her. Oldbag, so basically I have to wait until girls have had their fun with bad boys until I get a shot. Well, that sucks. Looking for "girlfriend/wife" material is essential to me because I have a fear of being cheated on with guys like that and because I don't want to deal with all that baggage. I had one girlfriend who had been with only bad guys before and it turned into a relationship of me trying to make her feel better only. One way. I felt as though the bad boys did what they did and I had to clean up after them. Agneta, does that mean that the only course of getting women is to either be a bad boy or wait for them to finish with the girl? The thing is, a girl who hasn't experienced much tends to be shyer and less bold. My ex talked about other guy's hotness, talked about the stuff she did with guys, even admitted how bad boys are attractive. Plus, not dealing with a past means I can not feel the pressure of measuring up to other guys in bed, with me being a virgin.
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reader, Agneta +, writes (20 January 2013):
You can think of it in different perspectives. You can meet a girl now that is unexperienced and everything is fine for some time until she starts thinking about all the things out there she has not yet explored. And she will be curious and maybe leave you to go explore what is out there. This do happen to many young people.
Or you meet a girl who has some experiences, is fed up with the bad boys and is totally ready and excited to meet a guy like you to love and be loyal too.
I am not saying you can't meet the perfect girl without a history now with whom it will last for long, miracles do happen, but it is not very likely. Better then to work on your own feelings around this, why you feel not good about a girl having a past when you meet. And just be yourself and see who comes along.
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reader, oldbag +, writes (20 January 2013):
Hi
Join the queue, I have no doubt every man wants a girl who is beautiful,loyal loving and giving. It doesn't matter if she has dated a bad boy before,it doesn't change what is essentially 'her'.
You have something to offer her too, it doesn't matter if you have a huge paycheck, on it's own that means nothing.
The bad boy is a phase, girls soon get tired of them, but they don't want a judgemental prig either.They want a good relationship with an emotionally stable man who respects them.
You should be dating,having fun,not looking for 'wife material', which is what it sounds like.Just go with the flow with an open mind.
Look around at the couples you know are happy, whatever their age, see what makes them tick.
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reader, Got Issues +, writes (20 January 2013):
 I know many girls/women who are loyal, loving, beautiful and giving. They are also not virgins and have almost inevitably had experience with "bad boys". Which usually means, they have been hurt by "bad boys". I've never consciously gone for someone "bad" but, perhaps due to low self-esteem or naivety I have gone out with unsuitable people who didn't really care about me. I've learned to want more for myself but I wouldn't change the past.
I think this is more about how you feel about yourself. I recently started dating a good guy and he's just as exciting as, if not more than, any of the bad guys in my past. He knows about them and he also knows that he has more to offer than any of them ever did. Confidence (not arrogance!) is very attractive in people. Work on yourself and try to get comfortable with who and how you are. Work out what you have to offer to women.
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reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (20 January 2013):
 Read up on women n dating n adapt to what they desire. David dangelos attraction isnt a choice n neil strauss the game are good places to start. Off hand u seem too soft n sensitive and a serious arse kisser when it comes to women. These are pansy qualities bro. Change. Good luck n the issue with virginity just get it done with. Ur first time is no big deal.
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