A
female
age
36-40,
Amdz
writes:[Mod Note: You have already posted this as a question and received lots of responses. We dont publish duplicates http://www.dearcupid.org/question/do-people-put-too-much-weight-on-the.htmlI recently have been around many friends and peers that are newly engaged or newlyweds, or couples contemplating marriage as the next step in their relationship. I have also been around many individuals whose marriages end in divorce and have listened to and counseled family and friends who are in the throes of the agonizing pain of divorce and the nightmare of addressing issues affecting the children of divorce. Being around both extremes of the marital spectrum, I have found myself thinking and contemplating the issue of “what goes wrong” and “what goes right” within a marriage, to make it crumble, rather than last a lifetime.One thing that I notice in the mindset of many of my peers, is the overwhelming perception that issues and problems that arise while dating, are more easily forgiven and ignored, because the couple is not yet married. The most common example and the most severe of problems is that of cheating. I cringe when I hear that “cheating is not so serious” because the couple is not yet married, and it is when they are married that cheating becomes a true betrayal. Some people decide to keep their cheating a secret from their partner, and I even had a friend state, “ I cannot tell my girlfriend I cheated because it will change the dynamics of the relationship and then we wouldn’t marry.” I was dumbfounded by this statement! Shouldn’t the dating experience and relationship be when a person decides what character issues in their partner they can and cannot deal with, and which issues they feel they can work on together as a couple? If there is not that kind of building commitment and desire while dating, what makes people think that the desire for growth, change and greater commitment will come after marriage? I wonder about that, and feel that this might actually fall within the realm of “magical thinking” where marriage is given the high expectation of guaranteeing a sense of security and safety that is not actually openly addressed between the couple before marriage, yet many are heartbroken when those expectations aren’t met throughout the marriage. I sometimes worry when I see a young person "pushing" for marriage, and seeing marriage as the ultimate goal in a relationship, while worrying little about the "issues" that exist within the relationship and worrying little on building a healthy relationship and valuing every step of a developing relationship. For instance, I've seen people cheat in long-term relationships, and soon thereafter, get engaged, thinking that they will change after marriage and that is when the "real" commitment begins. That seems flawed to me...Doesn't this demonstrate that there is not enough value and respect for the actual person, but more value on an "institution?" If every step of the relationship isn't valued, and the expectation is that the values within the relationship will change after marriage, isn't that a set up for disaster, and a clear message that one does not respect and value what they have? Isn't that placing too much of an expectation and having misconceptions of what a healthy marriage can be? Shouldn't a person's "word" count just as much, if not more, than the legalities and/or the sacrament of marriage? So many people say they rather not know about betrayals and hurts their partner has kept from them, b/c they are "getting married..." and since they've reached their "goal" it's better not to know...I personally think this is worrisome and sad, and demonstrative of immaturity. And personally feel that if a person can’t respect and value their partner enough before marriage to be loyal and honest with them, there is not much of a future or hope for a healthy relationship after marriage. Marriage is work, and there are times when it is easy, and others when it is truly hard. I believe that if your mindset while dating is to let things slide by, because there isn’t the full commitment of marriage just yet, you are demonstrating with your character that you have little value and empathy for the experience of another human being who is being fully vulnerable in allowing intimacy and trust to grow within a relationship. The decision to marry someone often comes when you feel that you can fully trust them, and if someone is not capable of being trusting and trustworthy before marriage, they will not be once the newness and infatuation of the newlywed period is over. And divorce will be too easy to turn to, because that is just another “institution” that is becoming more and more socially acceptable. If someone was lax during the dating period with regard to being respectful of their partner, they will not have a hard time being cruel and insensitive during the divorce. I have seen amicable divorces, and those take a very special person with a good heart who has enough integrity to value someone whether there are strong feelings of love or not. They value people….partly why I think the period before getting married should not be dismissed as easily as it sometimes is by people who are too focused on the social rewards of marriage. That is the period when you really see if your partner is someone who “values people” and who can commit not because of a sacrament or legality, but because they have a good heart and value people.
View related questions:
divorce, engaged, heartbroken, period Reply to this Article
Share |
You can add your comments or thoughts to this article A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): Sometimes these rose coloured glasses we use to idealise partners rather than see them for whta they are lovable people with faults or totally unsuitable partners is a problem for relationshipIt is true that some individuals(particularly females, sorry girls), would not properly address the issues of cheating before they get married and later cry fould when it happens again after they are married..I just read a post about a girl who her boyfriend was cheating on her apperas to want to go along with the marriage because her fuance said the other girl did not mean anything ti him, shea was a bit of fun and it is her he wants to marry....This kind of dishonesty comes from both couples ie the cheating partner and the one who is cheated on...Cheating is a symptom of problems in a relationship be it unmet needs or just plain wondering eye or weakness and if this issues are not addressed, it is likely to continue into marriageBut it is not just cheating that people are dishonest with...Some women for instance could pretend to be into a partners hobbies and social events , values interests etc just to get close to them and into a serious relation and possibly a commitment such as marriage .After marriage this pretense is difficult to keep up or they just plain dont bother no more.There is also the issue of people being in love with the idea of being in love.Just in love with the idea of having this gorgeous wedding or having someone there for them as security, they do not consider their choices carefully.How about when some people change after they marry ie they cannot be bothered with sex, showing affection and thay take their partners for granted.Sometimes no matter what the other partner does to get them in the mood for sex or pleads for their time and affection they just plain dont want to be bother. Lack of sex in a marriage is what particularly bothers me especially with women(men too in some cases)..How a woman/man who constantly refuses sex to their spouse and think their relation is solid baffles me...This results in cheating a lot particular with men....An exasperated partner who sometimes would not be unfaithful is pushed to being unfaithful..I know some may say why not divorce and find someone etc..While this is perfectly logical to some in reality it is not an easy thing to do particularly with children and shared investments...I'm not justifying cheating but I am saying that if a partner cheats because they want to feel loved, wanted then the partner that has been cheated on does carry a part of the blame for failing the marriage too....Women in particular gives all kinds of excuses why they do not want or have energy for sex..sometimes these excuses are almost as bad as the ones given for cheating afterall if you want your partner to sleep with you it is important you provide a loving intimate relationship (mind you some women have been known to complain that sex with their husbands just includes his satisfaction not theirs, so they were tempted to stray too)...What I'm saying in essence is that it is not just the quantity of sex but also the quality of sex that matters...Same thing with giving a gift or flowers to a wife..If you do it like it is a chore, she will not appreciate it much...What baffles me is this people who starve their marriage of affection expect their partners to stay with them and be faithful and often play victim when thing go wrong, never mind that their passive aggressive abuse to their partners but because they havent'cheated' they are the innocent part..In truth they have in fact cheated their marriage by starving it of the essentials that help fufill both partners..What are my saying? Some partners behave like showing and sharing love and affection and support as a chore.Hence these people fail their marriages and relationship...Another bad thing is when they star using affection as an exchange for some ie he buys me a car and maybe he will bet it tonight and vice versa.Some people suck the life out of their partners once they are married to them. They demand this that and that...Wnat to change or overhaul their partners personality, interests, hobbies etc to suit what they believe their partner shoul be...They use all sort of ways to manipulate their partner by either being passive aggressive, blackmail, fear, emotional abuse, alienation of affection etc to have their way...Marriage is not easy and plain sailing and there are some not willing to put in the effort to make it work. At the first sign of trouble they bail without honestly looking at what the problem is and addressing it.Then there are the marriages where everyone is just coasting along, no one is happy, no one is fufilling anyones needs and even though they are not cheating on each other , they are still very unhappily married ...Some come with a lot of drama or they put up appearances for everyone elseAnd of course they are they marriages where two people truly commit to one another, they see each other as humans being with imperfections, they ork through their problems and have an uncanny abilty tobe patient and forgive.It is called agape love and it does exist(google types of love)...These people have allowed their relationship to grow and mature and they communicate well with one another and truly love their spouse...These marriages may not have always been perfect and mistakes may have been made(n worked through maturity with patince love and forgiveness) or in some mistakes avoided by wisdom ...Marriage is still a beautiful institution when people do it for the right reasons, are mature and able to work committedly to make it last..It is still fufilling
A
male
reader, Bounties  +, writes (22 March 2011):
 From an older persons view point, I have been married twice before and I have discovered that a piece of paper ( Marriage Certificate ) can lead too feelings of ownership and cause couples to actually break up. I don't intend to get married again, but I would live in a de facto relationship, and love that person with all my heart and soul. Marriage Certificates have no value in our modern world, true love is simple being there for each other because you choose to be there! This too me is a true test of your love!
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 March 2011):
 Glad you took our suggestions to heart, and I'm glad you submitted this article. Well done! I like your additions as well.
To the mod who posted that note, many of us suggested she post that question again as an article. There have been many articles that are reposts of questions. But I appreciate you including the link for those who missed the original thread.
...............................
|
