A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Can you sleep with someone and not get attached?Do you honestly think the 'friend w benefit' thing is possible? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (18 March 2011):
 Because of birth control and women with careers they have the freedom to do and behave as they wish. The science of sex actually is quite interesting and complicated. The chemicals produced result in women becoming emotionally closer and men to back away. Then there are the myths and boxes of Stud to Slut.These too are beginning to wain as a natural course in human evolution and the diversity of the planet.FWB may also be a safe bet against STD's if both are in a sexual monogamous relationship. That's a plus.The only thing both have to agree on is that it is going nowhere but the bedroom. Any thoughts of trying to trick each other into a long term relationship must never happen.The clincher is that one or the other will eventually leave for a long term relationship or for any other reason.That clincher is the crux of the whole affair.For those who can know this and are able to leave in peace and move forward alone, than all is well. Which is actually similar to divorce or ending any relationship, the difference is making the agreement to leave peacefully.Which can be quite rewarding and freeing and enlightening.It can also be a great place to learn about letting go of vulnerability and just being very primitive and human. It's not for everyone just as it is not for other mammals in the wild kingdom, like lions who mate for life. But it does have it's up side in that it really challenges norms, believes and the id and the ego. It also almost guarantees that there will be sex and most likely on a schedule. From reading alot of sex issues on posts from frustrated people I see it again as a plus. Dentist at 4 Gym 7 Sex 9 seems like a plan. But again, not for everyone.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): If women want equal rights to sexual freedom, then they can take equal responsibility for their choices. That means they don't get to call it "being taken advantage of" when they freely engage in these situations and the man fails to fall for her like he was supposed to.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (18 March 2011):
 Yes.
BUT you like most people make ONE basic mistake in your reasoning.
A friend is someone you are attached to.
So, sleeping with a friend you care about without caring about this friend is a logical impossibility.
I can have sex with someone I don't care about, it makes it so much easier to ignore her crying afterwards and sobs of "oh my god what have I done".
But with a friend, I would care that she feels so bad about having sunk so low.
Ergo, you can't have sex with a friend without caring.
Someone who proposes that they can is just someone who doesn't care about his/her friends.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): Short term possibly but if it continues long term it becomes tough.....It isnt a good idea anyway, wait for the real deal
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): I would say no and no to your question. I can't understand this FWB thing. If you like and are attracted to someone enough to have sex with them, you are naturally going to get involved emotionally. Men have a slightly different take on this though and can detach themselves.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): I'm a guy, but from what I've seen from numerous posts on this website I'd have to say that very few women are able to have a FWB (or, more accurately, perhaps a "F* buddy") without getting attached and eventually hurt.
Even if you are capable of separating sex and love, do you really want to do so?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): Some can but most cannot. I think on the whole it's a really stupid thing to do because one person always ends up hurt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI totally agree with you, chigirl especially regarding the term of fwb.
Well I have a few fwb for now which of them Ive been seeing for almost a year. And so far I dont seem to have any issue. So apparently I can do casual relationship. And I know I can do open relationship as well because Ive been there.
Im wondering how many ppl consider this as an immoral behavior. Having fun casually doesnt make my selfseteem low at all and didnt ruin my live either. Certainly it was rare to find someone who can do this just like me though. Well anyway I know what I want, what Im doing and Im trying not to hide myself. Im usually being honest with parters.
But some people still think its just wrong as the way it is?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): I think some people can do it,but I cant. The only person I would be able to use for sex would be someone I wasnt that into,and whats the point in that? I also find that casual sex lowers my self esteem. I do think that men are more able to do casual sex, I think their sexuality is different.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 March 2011):
 Yes and yes.
Actually, I can. But it is rare to find two people who actually can. They exist, but the wast majority of people can not. It really depends on who you get paired up with as well, and the chemistry between those people. For some the chemistry is perfect for a casual hook-up without attachment. But it's rare. In most cases you have one side that is fine and unattached, but the other gets attached. Just as rare as both parties get attached, both parties stay unattached.
Friends with benefits is possible, it's just highly unlikely that it will work. In general I'd say they can work for a certain period of time, if the hook-ups are seldom, so that the people involved don't get time to fall for each other or get attached, and if the arrangement ends after a short time, say for example a few months.
BUT, I want to clarify one thing. There's no such thing as a FRIEND with benefits. The FWB term has come to replace the term "lover". A lover is someone you have for sexual pleasure only, but aren't friends with. It can be an acquaintance more often. As soon as you and an actual friend have sex, you are no longer just friends. Hence it's not possible to be friends with benefits, you are either lovers or friends. Not both (give or take the odd exception). When I earlier talk about FWB i refer to the relationship arrangement, not the actual meaning of a friend.
Friends don't have sex. That ruins the friendship. Period.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 March 2011):
 Most folks cannot be physically intimate and not become attached. It's a chemical thing.
My BF and I were supposed to be FWB but as he said to me "there are ALWAYS strings" we are one of the RARE cases of FWBs becoming a real couple...
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A
male
reader, Cupid Boy +, writes (18 March 2011):
 No and no.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): You know what
A friend with benefits is just an unpaid prostitute.
Why do people sell themselves so short?
Are you not worth more than that?
Sex is not just a bodily function like going to the toilet.
We are human beings with lots of emotions some of which wont come home to roost for some years down the line.
Come on girl you're worth more than that!
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