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female
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anonymous
writes: This is probably a silly question, but sometimes I feel like I never should have explained to my ex why I couldn't be with him (because he was emotionally abusive) because in a weird way I would be very jealous if I showed him the light, he changed, and treated some other girl really respectfully. In a way, I want him to continue being a jerk, because it would break my heart if he changed for the better and some other girl got the best of him while I got the worst of him. But, deep down I think I would be glad to think that he changed because of me or not. Anyway, do other people go through these kind of feelings getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship?
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (14 December 2007):
 "Sorry if I got defensive, I guess I just feel like I really have to stand up for myself now that I have been treated the way I did"
Hiya, don't worry about it. I just wanted to let you know it wasn't about you - that's all. I find myself being very defensive myself at the moment. This apparently is all part of the healing process following the abusinve nature of the relationship.
"I still find myself second-guessing myself and blaming myself and analyzing our relationship and we broke up almost 3 months ago"
Hey I'm with you on this one. I'm aware at times I am extremely anxious and sometimes frustrated and angry. HOwever, like I said before, according to the counsellers I've spoken to this really is due to the "partner" projecting their emotions on to you.
Must say I am at the stage where I remember significant events and it's all gradually coming together. I'm sure you've either done the same or perhaps even still doing it. There were so many signs during our relationship, at 29, I actually feel a little naive and shocked but my eyes are wide open now. It's been a bit of a "mind blowing" experience for me.
For me it's only been just over a month and I'm getting myself back. Felt like I actually lost myself for a while. However, I can't recommend doing loads of research and looking into it deeper so as to gain an understanding and some closure.
I was recommended to look at mind.org.uk - not done it yet but I really have found speaking to counsellers EXTREMELY helpful even if they only listen to me having a bit of a rant. I do have an appointment to see one tomorrow and will let you know how it goes.
Having done loads of research and reading about the subjects of Bi-polar and Borderline Personality Disorder it has given me some clarity and everywhere it's HIGHLY recommended you seek some help for YOURSELF.
At the end of the day the experience is emotionally shocking and it takes time to mourn the relationship and come to terms with things. I've noticed my behaviour was almost mimicking my EXs following the break up and do still have times where I blame myself too.
I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact it's not MY fault and picking up the pieces. The counselling is really helping.
Hang in there and like I say I'll keep you updated with any progress. If you want to talk to someone who understands and has been there then feel free to messgae me or just post your replies/updates here.
Take care and make sure you look after YOURSELF! That's the most important thing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry if I got defensive, I guess I just feel like I really have to stand up for myself now that I have been treated the way I did. I still find myself second-guessing myself and blaming myself and analyzing our relationship and we broke up almost 3 months ago! Wish u well
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reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (13 December 2007):
"Listen, I'm not in denial. MY friends and family ALSO notice I'm back to my usual self now that I am out of the relationship-I'm not crying anymore and I'm much happier. I'm not on medicine because I DON'T need medicine. Since you seem like a blamer just like my ex why don't you check yourself into a doctor to get a bipolar screening and see for yourself how easy it is to diagnose ANYONE"I didn't say you had it. I said my EX was in denial about it. Listen I can relate to you completely. I've spoken to a couple of counsellers about my experience and they said it's perfectly NORMAL to experience what you're experiencing (I'm experiencing it too).At one point I actually thought I may be the problem but after speaking to counsellers it's not me. I believe IT'S NOT YOU. I too have slowly been returning back to my usual self. Apparently this takes time."Oh, and by the way, he used to yell and scream at me over the stupidest things... Our mutual friend heard him yelling and screaming and said he was ridiculous."I've been here too. It was quite shocking at the time; the slightest little thing, like the situation you describe, could result in such and angry and uncontrollable display of anger and frustration. With my EX she'd do the same thing and her entire family could here her. After I left for that evening they all told her, and me later when they next saw me, how ridiculous she was being.I UNDERSTAND what you're saying. I've just come out of a 15 month relationship a little over a month ago :)"... He tries to tell me what I should wear, what I should do, and no wonder my self-esteem was plummeting living with a guy like this. Call me bipolar all you want, but I and the whole world knows what an abusive man is like."This is exactly what my EX was like. She HATED it when I wore my trendy clothes and ALWAYS wanted me to wear stuff she liked... If I put on a suit jacket to go out she'd be funny about it. I felt like I lost myself for a while but I'm slowly coming back.Listen, this ISN'T a man thing, or a woman thing. It's a BP/BPD thing. I was merely telling you my story as a way of relating to you. Not, providing a diagnosis - I'm not a psychologist.I'M SORRY IF YOU TOOK IT THAT WAY. THAT WAS NOT MY INTENTION. I understand what you're going through and my friends and family have too seen the difference in me and how I'm much more chilled out and back to my usual fun self. I still think I got a way to go yet before I've fully recovered from this experience - counsellers can say it can take anything from a couple of months to more.If I were you I'd talk to a counseller. YOU'RE NOT BP but it really does help. It's helping me and I can't recommend it enough. I get moments of emotional anxiety not often but now and then, the counseller tells me, I'm having trouble emotionally processing what happened due to the extremely intense volatile relationship and my EX "projecting" her emotions onto me, like a sort of emotional shock. It's like sometimes I feel what she was feeling. I've also read a lot about it from the point of view from non-BPs in relationships with BPs and it's frighteningly similar and in some cases identical to what I experienced.JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW IT'S PERFECTLY NORMAL WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH AND I'M GOING THROUGH IT TOO - at one point I actually thought what if it's me? The counsellers I've spoken to have assured me this is NORMAL :)Please accept my apologies, I've read and re-read my original reply and I was NOT talking about you, I was talking about my EX and from you say you were in a very similar relationship.Take care and let us know how you get on. I'll be posting any updates here also :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionListen, I'm not in denial. MY friends and family ALSO notice I'm back to my usual self now that I am out of the relationship-I'm not crying anymore and I'm much happier. I'm not on medicine because I DON'T need medicine. Since you seem like a blamer just like my ex why don't you check yourself into a doctor to get a bipolar screening and see for yourself how easy it is to diagnose ANYONE. Oh, and by the way, he used to yell and scream at me over the stupidest things such as one night I was cooking him fries and then my friend called who was going to pick me up shortly so I answered the phone. She is a mutual friend. Anyway, he came into the RV livid screaming at me that I don't make him a priority (because I thought the fries were cooked enough in the fry daddy which I had never used before). Our mutual friend heard him yelling and screaming and said he was ridiculous. I had had enough, so I gathered my stuff to go see my friend and he blocked the driveway so I couldn't leave! This girl was going to take me to NYC since I had never been-we had just moved to NY. Anyway, he threw my purse out of the RV and when I called our friend to tell her I couldn't go anymore he grabbed my phone and threw it in the yard. Talk about an overreaction. And that was only one instance, there were many just like it. He has ruined a total night of going out if I don't smoke or drink (which I never did anyway before I went out with him). Oh, and he broke up with me once because I had to innocently give a guy a peck on the lips in a play and he called that cheating! Oh, and he has humiliated me in public for accidently ruining one of his teflon pans, literally bringing the pan to the clerk at the store and saying how I ruined it in front of me. He tries to tell me what I should wear, what I should do, and no wonder my self-esteem was plummeting living with a guy like this. Call me bipolar all you want, but I and the whole world knows what an abusive man is like.
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reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (13 December 2007):
"The way I look at it and my family and friends look at it, I'm not bipolar at all because I'm not on medicine and feel absolutely much better now that I'm out of the abusive relationship with him."
I have the very same issue where my EX jumped straight into another relationship straight after the split which confused me.
I beleive she is in denial about bi-polar and BPD and used to make out I was the one with the problem. Now I'm out of the abusive relationship my friends and I have noticed I'm back to my usual self.
"People go through depressing times and that's natural due to environmental changes or death or losing a job, etc"
This is normal and I know after my Dad passed away 5 years ago I hit a depression but that's only to be expected. Also, hit a bit of a low once when I was made redundant and couldn't find work. Again, this is a usual reaction following the loss of job.
"I will let him think that I was the one with the problem (which he made me believe for so long) but in actuality he was the problem"
My EX used to shout at me and claim I was mental when she was in one of her hysterical and almost uncontrollable outbursts. Looking back it was quite ironic considering she was the one screaming and ranting and raving.
I'm not sure if this is normal but I'm convinced there are some serious issues there. What I don't understand is although I know this was an abusinve relationship I still have moments of anxiety and some days I actually have moments of feeling sick in my stomach (like butterflies but not good ones).
Is this normal after being in such a volatile reltaionship?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe funny thing is he thought I was bipolar because a counselor I had seen before him because I was struggling with a sexual assault had said I might be. Anyway, once he went to the counselor with me and she said she thought he was bipolar too. The way I look at it and my family and friends look at it, I'm not bipolar at all because I'm not on medicine and feel absolutely much better now that I'm out of the abusive relationship with him. So, just to let you know, doctors can sometimes be wrong. People go through depressing times and that's natural due to environmental changes (ie. my rape) or death or losing a job, etc. I will let him think that I was the one with the problem (which he made me believe for so long) but in actuality he was the problem.
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female
reader, bqagirl2692  +, writes (12 December 2007):
 Sweetie, you feel that his current girlfriend deserves to be treated the same way you were. It wouldnt make much of a difference if he did. You just feel a little unfortunate because you were treated bad and not someone else. Wishing the same bad luck to someone wont help you out. Im not sure if he learned his lesson or not but if he did, be happy for yourself that you did make a difference in someone's life although you couldnt get the best in return. A good deed always gets a good deed in return. Just move on and give love another try. Take it as he wasnt meant for you. You deserve more than what he gave you. He is someone elses problem so you have nothing else to worry about. Your on your own and you'll find someone that can treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Someone who wont take you for granted and appreciate the love you have to give. Leave whats in the past, in the past. There is a reason it never made it to the future. Good luck!
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (12 December 2007):
I would have to agree with leanne.od here. My head is still all over the place after being in a 15 month relationship with someone who was very manipulative, controlling, jealous and often I was emotionally blackmailed. Obviously the relationship didn't start out like this. It was a gradual process, chipping away, until the relationship became extremely volatile.The break-up hit me hard and after speaking to a counseller (even though I ended it!) about my feelings and my lack of understanding as to what happened there is a VERY STRONG possibility she is bi-polar or BPD.I don't blame her for the way she is. The counseller told me it sounds like I blame myself. I thought it was my fault and that I was the TRIGGER. However, I'm slowly coming to terms with it and things are getting easier.Having said this I like to do the right thing and be true to myself and I do love her still (split was only a month ago) and care about her and wouldn't wish anything bad to happen to her.So I sent her a message saying that I had spoken to someone and I UNDERSTAND why we were the way we were together and, although she has got a new bloke (rather quickly if you ask me), if she ever needed to talk to someone who cares she knows where I am.Well, she phoned me within 15 minutes and went ABSOLUTLEY HYSTERICAL on me. Shouting and ranting down the phone at me. After that I decided, "you know what? There's nothing more I can do here".I suspect she's in denial (which is common) and I can carry on trying anything and everything to try to open her eyes to it. THE ONLY WAY SHE CAN DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT IS IF SHE DOES IT HERSELF. I can tell her until I'm blue in the face but until SHE realises this SHE won't be able to deal with it.
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reader, leanne.od +, writes (12 December 2007):
 my ex mentally abused me, aswel as emotionally, and he didn't even know what he was doing because it came as second nature to treat me like that, and my guess would be for someone to change they need to beleive it is how they are, not just listening to someone say it. so although you pointed out to him, he probably put it down to being your fault and that he had done nothing wrong. i know for a fact my ex hasn't changed because his girlfriend has spoken to me, she thinks she can change him, and i say best of luck, because a leopard cannot change his spots. your ex obviously liked to be in control and made sure you knew where you stood, he aint going to change his ways for the fear of his new girlfriend being the one who calls the shots.
you're better off out of the relationship, and you will find someone who is loving and worthy of your love, who you won't need to tiptoe around in fear of a switch turning and converting back into their old ways.
best of luck.
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