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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A question to all males out there or females in my situation. do men ever regret leaving a woman pregnant and alone? my ex boyfriend left me pregnant and alone, we live in different countries and he has never met his son (4 months old). when i was pregnant he disappeared from my life and i only knew the day before my son was born that he was already with someone else. i recently saw pictures of him and this new woman and i felt so hurt. i loved that man so so so much and i have our son, who looks JUST LIKE HIM! i miss him sometimes even though i know he is not worth my time. he never calls or emails and he said last time we spoke, that he wanted to see his son but he never called back. another thing is... his friends and family dont care that he did this to me. i sometimes wonder if he loves this new woman. it hurts me to see that he's continued his life like nothing and doesnt care about me or our son. will he ever regret what he's done to me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2017): Speaking from personal experience, I would answer truthfully and say that yes, some (very few!!) of us regret the decision of abandoning our partners when they are pregnant but more so for the child than anything.In my experience, I left my girlfriend because the relationship wasn't healthy. There was no love, just anger and violence (from her end only!!) Now, she told me a few weeks after we split that she was pregnant. I admit that I was only a boy at the time (19) and did what others would do and bury my head and hoped the problem went away. However, it didn't happen (Obviously!!) Never went to any of scans, the birth.. Nothing!! What kind of person did that make me?! A pathetic excuse for a human being, that's what! I was eventually so guilt ridden that I forced myself to see my daughter when she was a month old. I tried for 2 nights, couldn't stop her crying, couldn't feed her, couldn't change her nappy.. I couldn't even put her down to sleep. So I talked with the mother and we both agreed that it was best that I walked away (She took a HELL OF A LOT of convincing to come to that agreement) as I couldn't do it.. I wasn't capable and then that was that..Now 7 years on, I think to myself.. I only gave it 2 days... 2 DAYS!! I sit now and think to myself.. my daughter deserved more than 2 days of me trying and I should have tried harder. I now sit and regret everyday that I gave up, that I didn't try.. that I wasn't man enough to step up..Okay, over the last 3 years or so.. I kept in touch with the mother, constantly ask how she and my daughter is, how she is getting on at school.. still getting bullied etc yet still haven't seen her. I stop myself as punishment. The mother has done a fantastic job of raising my daughter and her other daughter all by herself. I couldn't ask for a better mother for my daughter.. but I deem myself unworthy of seeing the child and tell myself it's far too late to get involved. I punish myself because I should have been there from the beginning and not choosing now as the time to make the effort. I do not regret my daughter bring born and do not regret being with the mother. The situation however has had a profound affect on how I view myself in relationships with others as I can't possibly have a child with another women consciously knowing I abandoned my first one. It wouldn't be fair on my daughter and would be morally wrong...So to answer your question, yes! I believe some of guys do regret leaving and not looking back.. I sure as hell do!
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reader, Herren  +, writes (15 March 2013):
To be honest my ex is pregnant but we are sure it's not mine all though me and her had sex but this one guy didn't use a condom (2x he did that) I did ( and we had sex once) and me as much as I care about her I thought about what if it is mine I could disappear fast and since she can't afford a blood test I could get away with months to find a place to live and then say I did not know but I don't know If I could with her being my first everything it would destroy me that the truth
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reader, Odds +, writes (7 January 2011):
 I think part of the issue is that you believed it was his job to support you and be there for you. He was your boyfriend, not your husband. And you knew he lived in another country.
The vast majority of men are decent folk, not monsters. For that matter, if a guy came on here asking "Why do women try to trap you with pregnancies, they must be monsters," I'd tell him most women are decent folk, too. I couldn't say if he's one or not (I'd still guess he's not). But even the best guy may feel that a pregnant woman is trying to take advantage of him, and refuse to fall for it.
If he had a say in whether or not you kept the baby, it would be different, but because it's your body and your choice, it was your responsibility to be certain the man who knocked you up would be a good and willing father. That's passed by, now you need to move on to the responsibility to your child. Put the ex out of your mind. If he lives in another country, child support is probably not an option. But raising your *son* with the attitude that men are monsters is a vast disservice to him. He needs to be raised to see that he has the potential to grow up into a great man - which will be difficult if his own mother hates men.
It sounds like your doesn't feel upset about it now, given that he's marrying someone new. Maybe that'll change, maybe not. Ignore him. If he shows up, tell him he had his chance to be there, and send him away. If he doesn't, don't sweat it.
Do what you can for your kid. For the next few years, it's probably best to avoid dating and try to get your kid to school age. After that, maybe you'll find someone - but choose carefully this time. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): since he's still in contact with you, tell him to pay up child support, it's his legal duty.
but as far as whether he "should" love you or have an attachment to you and the baby....
Having a baby with someone doesn't mean that they now owe you feelings that they didn't have previously.
You two should not have been having unprotected sex. but you did. All he is responsible for is child support because the child is completely innocent and didn't ask to be brought into this world. But your ex does not owe you his feelings. He shouldn't have slept with you if he wasn't committed to you, but neither should you have slept with him either under those conditions.
it would be entirely different if he had told you he was truly committed to you and would stay with you, if you had some agreement, and then retracted this once you got pregnant. Is that what happened?
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reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (7 January 2011):
Would you have preferred if he had stayed with you through the pregnancy and then left you now after the baby has been born?
It's unclear if you are upset that he left you during the pregnancy specifically, or that he left you at all, period.
A baby should be conceived intentionally out of a love between two committed partners. Not the other way round - you don't expect someone to become committed and loving to you, from being pregnant. The love and committed relationship should be there first before having any unprotected relations that could result in a pregnancy.
I think you should move on and focus on your own life with your new child, and not be obsessed with how the child's biological father has "wronged" you. It's not healthy for you to keep holding onto hurt and it won't make him change and come back to you either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionim sorry, but i think its disrespectful from you to have dated a man that had a pregnant woman. his job was to be there for her. he shouldve thought about that before sleeping with her.
my ex told me yesterday that he is marrying this girl. honestly, when i was pregnant, i was completly alone and i needed his support, he was off dating and sleeping someone else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): well when I first met my husband he had just left his ex-girlfriend and she was pregnant with his kid. He did take responsibility for the kid in the form of paying child support, and still does (and he has visitation with his daughter). Both he and I now have our own kids together.But anyway, at the time when I first met him, he had left his girlfriend even though she was pregnant with his baby. Why? it was an accidental pregnancy , she told him she was on birth control when she wasn't. They were on the brink of breaking up - he wanted to leave her because she had done a lot of things that had hurt him and he had enough and realized he no longer wanted to be in a relationship with her. She was trying to trap him into staying with her by getting pregnant. So she lied to him saying she was still on birth control when she wasn't. She got what she wanted - she got pregnant. But did it make him stay with her? No because she lied to him and used her own unborn baby as a pawn. Did that make him love her more? of course not. That's why he left her when she was pregnant. But he felt responsible for the child so he has always paid child support. Now his ex has also moved on and married. Her husband is the kid's step father and is the TRUE father to this little girl because he's the man who is there every day in her life raising her and spending all his time with her. My husband knows and respects this and doesn't have a problem with taking a backseat in this kid's life. A father is the man who raises the kids. That is what matters, not who is biologically related to whom, or who got whom pregnant.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): not sure men are monsters - perhaps not always wise - i likewise am alone raising a child, don't hate the person who left and has nothing to do with the child he fathered. Basically i see it as his loss, he is missing out because of his own foolishness and perhaps he's too stupid/young to know better. Better to be a single parent han to force someone to be there who doesn't want to be there. I think he may regret when older his decision but it will be too late then as he's missed out on so much but if he ever wants to meet then i will let him meet my child if my child be willing.
History repeats and i fell for a man like my dad - who also left a pregnant woman with his child. My dad later had me. He has never come out and said he regrets it but he talks about the child, he said he couldn't try to get involued in his child's life (who is now 30 years old) because he's been awol for so long and he knows for a fact someone else raised him as their son .... he veiws it as unfair to mess with his child's head just so he can be a father after all these years. I think he does regret it and is willing suffering now for a child he wouldn't stand up for then.
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reader, The Realist +, writes (7 January 2011):
 I wouldn't say that the majority of men are monsters, it's just that the ones who are get all of the attention while the nice guys stay in the background. One should always look at a new relationship with a new person to be a fresh start and the ex's in your life have not influenced the new person you fall for.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionall your answers are making me open my eyes to the reality that men are really monsters. im sick of them. there are few good ones, too few. its beyond me how someone can have no attachment to his unborn son and the woman carrying his child inside for 9 months. its even more beyond me how his girlfriend knows what he did to me and she decides to be with him.
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reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (6 January 2011):
some men do regret it and others don't...
Why not focus on your baby and the life you will build with your child, and forget about him. Leave him behind. Without being tied down by him, you're free to find a better man in the future, one who will be a real father to your child not just the sperm donor (as someone else already pointed out).
He's obviously forgotten about you long ago. that's very hurtful, you feel discarded. That's why you want him to feel regret, because you want him to hurt as much as you are.
That's normal and understandable to feel this way. But it's not healthy to dwell on it.
You say he left you pregnant and alone. Would you feel differently if you didn't get pregnant but he still left you?
Are you hurt and angry because you didn't want the pregnancy either but are now saddled with a baby so he should share the burden too, not just you? If so, hunt him down and hold him accountable for at least paying child support! You should do that anyway.
Or are you hurt and angry because he has found a new girlfriend so soon? If so, try to let this go - she's probably just a rebound relationship and nothing more.
Or is it the fact that you had this dream of you and him and your kid being one big happy family? If so, realize that if a man is going to leave you anyway, a pregnancy doesn't (and shouldn't) change that. It would be worse if he had stayed with you only because of the pregnancy when everything else about him no longer wants to be with you. That would end up hurting you - and the kid - much more over the long term. It could mean he'll cheat on you in the future, or at least you will be very unhappy and definitely it won't be this idyllic family portrait. Thus, realize that he was always going to leave anyway and it's better that he not stay with you just because you now share a kid.
Allow yourself some time to feel and process your pain, but then at some point you need to move on. Your baby's already 4 months old. If he abandoned you right after you got pregnant, that means it's been over a year that you've been holding onto this pain and being preoccupied with wanting him to feel regret.
By all means, hold him accountable for paying child support. That's his legal duty and don't let him abdicate responsibility.
But as for being preoccupied with what he's thinking or feeling, and wanting him to feel regret - that part is not healthy for you. Trying to get inside other people's minds, especially when they've moved on long ago and are no longer in your life, is not going to lead to anything. Try to move on and focus on your baby.
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reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (6 January 2011):
 Everyone has made excellent points and sadly, your situation is very common these days...Some men are simply boys with testosterone, they run away when they get scared or uncomfortable with a situation and may come to regret running away when they "grow up." Others simply don't care. I know it hurts-loving your child and learning how special he is each and every day and to look at his face, see his father and realize how this man is missing out. Yet, this man chose to leave. If he's the type I think he is, if he returns he can only hurt your child by playing games with his innocent feelings. Forget him. Move on with your life. Whether he ever regrets this or not matters little. He's only the sperm donor. What matters is you have a precious son who depends wholly on you-only you. It's hard to be both mom and dad but not impossible. My mother raised 3 of us when our dad left and I'm attending college, my brother is a great athlete and my younger sister, a talented artist. We're happy :) Best of luck, hon :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): Both biological parents have the right to decide if they each want to be in their child's life or not. If both parents don't want it, then giving the baby up for adoption is certainly a valid decision and is far better for the child than being brought up in a terrible broken family.
Depending on where you live, if you (the biological mother) want to keep the baby but the biological father wants nothing to do with you or the kid he has the option to legally sign away his parental rights, meaning, he is released from having to pay child support but as a result has no legal right to see his child either (obviously no right to have the child bear his family name), it's essentially saying he is not legally the child's father anymore. Sometimes you get the situation where the biological dads disappear for years whether with or without paying child support but then suddenly in the future (like when having a mid life crisis for example) now all of a sudden want to now be in the child's life and you as the mother may not want that anymore but still be court ordered to allow it especially if he's paying child support (even if he skipped out on paying child support for years but then starts paying up now he has the right to be with his kid).
But if he were to sign away his parental rights he will have no right to see his kid anymore, forever. This allows the man to be legally set free of his parental responsibilities, in exchange for giving up any chance for parental privileges whether now or in the future.
This could actually be the best situation if your man really doesn't want to take responsibility for the kid he has biologically fathered. I mean, you can't force someone to feel a certain way if they don't, to want something they don't want....whether it's right or wrong they feel the way they do so why not just let things be and make it legal and protect yourself and the kid from such a guy doing more emotional harm if he changes his mind years from now and suddenly wants to have a relationship with the kid he abandoned years ago. that's not fair to you or the kid.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): Get him to pay for child support. You're being left alone to do all the work while he's out there having a blast. And if he comes back to pull that “he's my son and it's my right to see him” then he obviously has NO right. He wasn't there for you so neither should you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): No probably not. I mean if he got in some sort of legal bind over it or it directly affected his life (meaning it affects the things he does put importance on at the moment) then yes he might regret it. But the regret would only be self serving. I got pregnant once by a piece of crap too. I made the choice to have an abortion because it was very early in the pregnancy and I had a feeling he would not be the guy to support me through it. Not only was he not there by my side or for me during my abortion (which was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through) but just two days later he was dating someone else. And just like that he forgot that I existed, that I carried a child we had together. He just moved on like nothing ever happened. Imagine if I had kept the baby? I would have had to do it all by myself because he has no sense of responsibility. I was so distraught. I could not believe that this guy was so insensitive. But there are men like that in this world. And for the most part if you've met one, you have met them all. They are all the same. So knowing what I know, I can honestly tell you this guy is incapable of feeling any responsibility or a sense of attachment for you and your child. He sees women as replaceable objects. No matter how many children you bare or what you do, once he is done with you, he is done and he is not looking back. In any case you are much stronger than me. I could not handle the emotional turmoil I felt being in that predicament. So I did things differently. I feel terrible about it. But you have a beautiful child and if you have been strong enough to get this far then you must continue being strong and get even farther. I heard a quote today that I liked. Someone said, "I know in my heart that if people could be tough, they could withstand sooo much." All the best.
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reader, Odds +, writes (6 January 2011):
It really depends on whether the kid was an accident or not. Or an "accident."
Granted, some people are just sociopaths, there's no accounting for them. The vast majority of men would feel guilty about leaving a woman who had a kid they had mutually planned. Fewer would feel bad about an accident. The number who would feel bad about leaving a woman with an "accident" is vanishingly small.
Even the ones who leave and feel bad may feel that it was the right decision to leave. Some change their mind later in that case. That's why some of them show up years later asking to be part of the kid's life.
I think women overestimate the power of pregnancy to keep a man. That's why it's so important to mutually plan every step, and to be very careful about birth control. It's a tragedy when a kid has to grow up with just one parent, one that people don't take seriously enough.
There's on way to tell what he feels. Maybe he regrets it, maybe not. The more important point is that he left, and you have to push him out of your mind so you can make the best of things with your kid. Good luck.
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reader, The Realist +, writes (6 January 2011):
I have to say that I have never done this and don't think that I could. Any man can get a girl pregnant but it takes a real one to stand up to the consequences of his actions. I hope he is at least paying for this child to help you out.
One day when he is older and more mature he will look back and regret that he has a child that will never need him or want him because it will be too late.
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (6 January 2011):
 Some men regret making a woman pregnant and never letting themselves be bothered about the kid. But, unfortunately, most men in that situation don't care much. And I think this is perhaps a polite way to say it.
The man in question seems worse than what I have described. It sounds like he knew you were pregnant, yet he left, and got involved with someone else. He knows he has a child with you, says he'll want to meet him, but you don't even hear from him. It seems to me he is the kind of person who does not give a damn. In his opinion, he'll be best if he doesn't acknoledge he has this child. So I am pretty sure this is a lost cause.
What you need to do is move on, raise your child as a decent person, and never make him feel like he is a poor thing without a father. I am of the opinion that you got rid of the dead weight. From now on, it's about being strong and happy.
I wish you the best.
In the future, Man in Question might say things like "I want to meet my long-neglected son", "I have a right to do so", "He has a right to be with his father", "I want to make up for the bastard I used to be", "I see my mistakes now", et cetera. That might be sincere, or not. I have seen people who actually regret having been bastards, and others who just want to clear their conscience. Or want their friends to know how good they are. So my advice, thinking of your child only, is that you make it very difficult for this man to find you in the future. You don't need him messing with your child's heart and mind later. Because it might happen that he "reconsiders" in, say, five years, only to "reconsider" again and leave the child again. Your child should never go through that.
That's my opinion. I recognize there can be other points of view.
All the best.
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