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female
age
30-35,
*icky2727
writes:So me and this guy have been seeing each other for over a month now and we've been having sex consistently.So far its all going very well and he tells me how much he likes me and cares about me. Each sex session has been really intense and I can't seem to get enough of him... i want him all the time and our average session results in him coming at least 3 times. He tells me how amazing I am after we're finished and that its incredibly attractive that i'm this horny and want him this much. I want to get to the point where we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. My question is... do men bond more during sex? Do they feel closer to the woman they're seeing if the sex is really good? I know some of my guy friends say its a deal breaker if the girl isnt good in the sack/the sexual chemistry isn't there so I assume it plays a bit of importance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2018): I truly believe that neither gender can be stereotyped as more likely than the opposite to emotionally bond during sex. These are modern times, and women enjoy sex as much as men. Some men are more emotionally vulnerable than other men. As far as making a man wait to have sex in order to have him value a woman.. well...that says more about traditional sexist patriarchal values of our society than it does a woman's character. Some men are just as likely to consider a woman for a long-term relationship regardless of how long she makes him wait...
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2012): If we can just do the math when plainly reading posts on DC, it seems evident that women bond faster than man because of sex. So I agree with everyone here.However, still there are a lot of men out there who fall faster than their partners do. So therefore, it looks like we can say..it is a case to case basis, no formula actually.It actually happened to me, my bf who was then my FWB guy was the first one to suggest that we become exclusive. He suggested that after learning that I was meeting a guy for coffee. Haha I cannot say that I am good at sex that's why he fell for me, I am inexperienced than most girls and my bf even took some notice in that. I remember he told me before that he'd prefer a woman who was good in bed but he stopped seeing his other "friends" who according to him were excellent in bed. I asked him why and he told me our so-called sex dates was different from among the rest bcoz he was feeling something more than just sex. Anyway, we are officially bf-gf now for 2 years.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 May 2012):
 He likes having sex with you and cares about the sex….
Men do not bond more during sex… that’s what women do… the old saying goes:
“women need a REASON to have sex, men just need a place” and it’s true.
Women, in general, start feeling closer when they are with the person, men, in general, need to miss the person to realize how they feel… it’s a crazy paradox and it’s frustrating.. hence why we have “the battle of the sexes”
Sleeping with a man will not make him love you or want you as a life partner. It will make him want sex with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012): my theory is that before marriage - during the dating and courting phase - it's the women who bond more during sex while the men can have sex without it changing their feelings for the woman.
but after marriage - and especially the longer the marriage goes on - then the tables are reversed. Now it's the wife who usually no longer wants sex (she is not getting any bonding effect from it) and the husband who feels unloved because she doesn't want to have sex with him (he needs sex to feel that there's a bond).
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012): actually I think it's women who separate love and sex and the men who combine them into the same thing.
how many times do you hear women say they love a man but don't feel the need to have sex with him that often? yet men need to have sex more and many are afraid of verbally expressing their feelings and can only be vulnerable to their partner during sex. so this makes me think that men do their bonding via sex whereas women and need that bond first (outside the bedroom) in order to enjoy sex with the man. to me this means women are the ones who separate love and sex (first comes love, then comes sex).
that's how it's been in my relationships anyway. I'm the one who separates love and sex whereas the guys i've been with seem to equate the two.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012): No, not at all but women do. There's an old saying that holds true: Men look for sex and find love and women look for love and find sex. The translation is that women will get sexual way too early in hopes that it will lead to a romantic relationship and that rarely happens...they wind up in a FWB or casual sex relationship. Men will run through many women like this getting their sexual needs met until they meet the one woman who makes them work hard for it...like waiting until they are offical until giving up the goods and making him earn it. The potential amount of women who are offering up good sex is endless and replaceable so the woman a man clicks with who makes him wait is the one he'll stick with and fall in love with.Having sex with a man early on, no matter how good it is, will only result in you getting hurt and over attached and him moving on and losing respect.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 May 2012):
 No. That's something that women are much more likely to do. If the sex is particularly good , they decide they love the guy as a person, should he be Ted Bundy, and not just the sex.
That's because of the high levels of oxytocin, and dopamine and norepinephrine etc. -the feel good chemicals released during and after sex. Men release "bonding" chemicals too, of course- but the level of these substances are 4,or 8 higher ( tbh I don't remember exactly ) in women's bodies.
Which makes women more prone to become attached fast ,( and often totally irrationally ) while men can enjoy sex, love sex, feel all warm and fuzzy and cuddly during and after - until they are all dopamined up:)... then go home and , I won't say not even remember your face, but at least decide if you are dating material or not on the base of way more intellectual and way less hormonal considerations.
In this sense , it is true that men have very little trouble keeping sex and feelings on two distinct, separate tracks.
Not that they HAVE to, or necessarily want to,- there are millions of men who are having good sex AND being deeply in love with their partners. But if they 'll fall in love, or get very attached emotionally, it won't be just because the girl is good in bed .
Generally , what starts as very physical... tends to stay very physical. If you want more, I think you should start now, till it's early days yet, to get out of the bedroom and come up for air sometime, in more social, companionable situations. Where you can talk, joke, share activities, develop a friendship bond. Otherwise if it's all about great sex, well, that's how it stays.
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reader, Martinizum +, writes (10 May 2012):
Your seeing each other right? So the only way you will see if he will commit is to bring up another guy you met or say you did and not respond to him as often.Act like your to busy you will se if he ends up jealous or contacts you more often he probaly has feelings for you that are deeper than you thought if he thinks he's going to lose his (milk) lol he will quickly buy the (cow) ha! get me? Men dont want to see there woman they enjoy sex etc..with being scooped up by another guy..believe me.Act like a single girl (not too much) you dont want him not wanting u for his girl but enough were he may feel threatened to make u his girl so no other guy can have you..if its that good an u guys get along I would do that if you tell him how you feel..you may scare him offgood luck..
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reader, Odds +, writes (10 May 2012):
 Guys are much less likely to make it official if you put out before you're a couple. That's true even if the sex is good, even if they like you and care about you, even if you would make an awesome girlfriend, even if you're a great person... none of the usual rationalizations actually apply. There are a lot of reasons for that (most of them more complicated and more sympathetic than the old "why buy the cow..."), but the quickest and easiest one to understand is that if you'll do it for him, he assumes you've done/will do it for other guys, so he hasn't accomplished anything special and he figures you're less likely to be loyal in the long term (actions speak louder than words, so it's pretty tough to use words to convince a guy these assumptions are false).
Exceptions always exist, but don't let them become the rule in your mind.
That said, men can and do bond during sex. Dopamine release and all that. Particularly if the sex is good, or if the girl is hot - mostly if she's just really, really into him (and making that obvious). Bad sex can be (and usually is) a dealbreaker. It's why occasionally a guy will fall for a girl who is a real harpy - but then, the same thing happens when you flip the sexes. But other circumstances can make a guy "tune out" on that level and not bond, so you can't rely on that alone.
This particular guy might not be a lost cause, but you'll have to read the situation delicately. Push him too much right away and he'll think you were trying to trap him into commitment - push too late, and he'll think you're spineless. I couldn't give you an exact timeframe from here. Read the situation as best you can, and talk commitment when you think it's best, but in the meantime, try to escalate the emotional bonding and nonsexual romance (without decreasing the sexual romance, or he'll think you're going to hold out on him whenever you want something). Not sure how good your odds are, but best of luck.
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reader, Deagan +, writes (10 May 2012):
 Good sex and chemistry are very important.
I'd really like to point out that you have basically severed your chance of becoming boyfriend/girlfriend status. Why should he buy the goods when he's been getting them for free? And the man only feels closer to a woman after sex when he loves the woman.
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