A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husbands obsession with Porn is driving me crazy . There is no desire when he looks at me anymore . Our sex life feel like he is in another world . He has his favourite porn stars saved on his computer.I'veTried talking to him and he says its just a hobby and the women are hot . Then what am I ? Obviously old and boring . I've tried lingerie , novelty etc but I can't compete with the young women anymore. The porn is more exciting to him Do I throw away a twenty year marriage because he is more interested in porn stars than me and what on earth do I tell our adult children as to why I am leaving.
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female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (19 July 2015):
 If I'm not mistaken you've posted several questions about this previously... which leads me to believe that the issues your husband is having with porn
- are ongoing over a span of months if not years
- have not improved during that time frame
- continue to cause you distress that he is evidently aware of, since you say you have talked to him about it.
I think at this point it might be helpful for you to perceive his porn use as an ADDICTION rather than an obsession, because that's precisely what it is. The reward circuitry in his brain is now chemically dependent on the pleasure rush he gets from porn. He pursues this rush even at the expense of hurting you.
So consider this question: would you tolerate damage to your marriage from alcoholism, cocaine or heroin use, or a gambling addiction if your husband insisted it was "just a hobby"? Would you advise your daughter, sister, or best friend to tolerate such behavior? Probably not.
Think of what steps you would take if you discovered today that your husband was addicted to a street drug or to alcohol or to gambling away money, and apply those same steps to the situation at hand. Some women would make continuation of the marriage contingent on counseling and/or rehabilitation for him. Others would consider it a deal-breaker and simply leave. The issue of sex/porn addiction has gained a pretty high profile in recent years due to some of the celebrities who have struggled with it and received treatment for it, and your adult children are very likely aware that such a thing exists, so if you were to explain a hypothetical split the truth would be entirely appropriate.
Personally, I'd suggest letting your happiness with the remaining aspects of your marriage guide the degree of effort and heartache it is worth going through to try and get your husband past this.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 July 2015):
 Don't make it a problem about porn. He has to come to this realization himself. If he acts disinterested, simply do not have sex with him. No kissing, hugging or anything. On the surface he's enjoying endless, effortless entertainment. It's true there are a lot of young women there but the thing that keeps him going after it time and time again is the variety. Maybe he masturbated but afterwards he feels empty spiritually. He needs that human touch, that's you to compensate what porn doesn't have. Don't give that to him and be that gap because that's going to stop his growth as a man with mid life crisis. Doesn't it make sense that if he's a lousy lover, then you should be turned off instead of wanting sex more? He has to earn your affections by making you a priority. Now he doesn't see a problem. It's pathetic, that some people think that because your spouse seems old and boring, then they have no need for affections. Men only do something when they are denied what they actually want. They like to fill the void. Your demand for affections only drive him away further. You can't compete with porn actresses because they are never demanding. It's a fantasy land where desires are fulfilled with no effort and no judgment.
Right now act like his roommate. He's treating you like one, so simply return the gesture until he asks what's wrong.
If you can't see a solution to this and divorce is inevitable, I would explain to your adult children that he had a porn addiction, just how it is. Hopefully they would see their father, this divorce as a lesson not to do this to their future spouses.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 July 2015):
 I agree with Aidan that MANY men do NOT understand how porn can affect a relationship. The usual excuse "men are just more visual" has been tossed around so much that some take it as the gospel.
I also agree that some use it as a type of escape. Not necessarily from their partner, but from the fact that THEY are grow older, can't get or keep an erection like they used to. And considering how men have been taught that the penis is their "manhood". That is what MAKES them a MAN! I can see why they try and "hold" on to that as much as they can.
I'm sure there are a lot of worries for men who hit their late/mid-life and sudden discover that they are no longer "studly" anymore. Can't get an erection in 5 seconds flat or can't KEEP an erection. They don't go see the doctor (because WHO wants to admit they are "less manly all of a sudden"?) They turn to porn. Porn won't criticize. Then it turns into an "addiction" ( I put it in "" - because I don't think porn is an actual addiction, but if someone feels like PORN makes them feel "manly" - it can come close to an addiction or maybe more of an obsession.)
Now I don't mean that as an excuse. Just a different view.
I would sit him down and talk to him. And I would make an exit plan (even if it's temporarily) Like Aidan said, IF it's "just" a hobby (I have to say WTF kind of hobby is that?) WHY on Earth can't he let it go since it's HURTING his marriage and you? I would also EXPLAIN that you feel he is making you SECOND TO the porn stars. LAY it out there. Don't let him "dismiss" HOW his actions affect you.
Would I divorce my husband over it? That actually depends on how much time (and money) is SPEND on this "hobby". Is he not discrete at ALL? Does he rather stay up til 3am to look at fake titties etc.? then come to bed with me? Does he stay home so he can watch porn instead of doing things WITH me? And so on.
I think overall, YOU have to remember one thing, THIS is not you that isn't "good enough" or "sexy enough" or "too boring" - I think it's VERY much HIM not liking and accepting that HE is getting older.
Society tells us that women had to "try" and stay young, men age gracefully... which I honestly don't agree with. But just like a guy can AGE gracefully on the outside... things that matters to HIM (such as feeling YOUNG & MANLY still) may not. Some can have a HUGE dip/drop in testosterone, if he is on med for any medical issues it can further lower the libido (same for women really).
For the most part I don't have a huge problem with porn usage ( I don't use it myself because I find it a cancer in society, it cheapens and sells females like a butchers sells lamb chops.. a piece of meat at the time). But I don' think it's my right or job as a wife/partner to try and control my partners sexuality and IF it is done with RESPECT for ME as a partner. As in... he doesn't sit for hours drooling over porn locked away from me (and the family) that it doesn't becomes something he HAS to do. An obsession, if you will. And YES, if my husband was OVERLY attached to "his" porn I would tell him that it's hurting the marriage and me.
The longer you wait to talk this out, the more it will fester. It is NOT your job to "fix" this, it's BOTH of you who NEED to fix it. And right now, he is just dismissing you and your feelings.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (19 July 2015):
Does he know how much this upsets you? That you are considering ending your marriage over it? Quite often we get men writing on here saying they were blindsided when their long term partner or wife left them, yet when we probe deeper we find she was telling him over and over what was wrong and he just wasn't listening or put it down to 'typical' nagging.
I think if I were you, I'd tell him you've had enough and you're going to go away for a couple of weeks to think. Then book a holiday, either on your own or with your friends, and leave him to his own devices for a couple of weeks. I'm betting that he'd get the fright of his life and he'd finally realise that this is a serious issue for you. Hopefully he would then try to win you back by focusing his attentions where they should be - on his marriage. However, if he doesn't, then you know that unfortunately there isn't much there to save and your decision will have been made for you.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2015): To Aiden , I would like to thank you for your advice which
Was both compassionate and non condescending . So often people like to use the 'excuse' of
Being straight talkers to be rude and patronising , making all types of assumptions about a persons situation and you managed to deliver your well thought out advice without doing that at all
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2015): Op here . Thanks for the advice although owl , I was a bit surprised by your assumption I have not tried things to spice it up .Regardless , on the one hand im being told that the porn is not about me and on the other im td to address it by spicing it up by some peolle . Very confusing As for the rest of our relationship ? Id describe it as good . We rarelyArgue , have a solid homelife and family and few stresses . There is no nagging or bickering as you suggest and of it weren't for ThisIssue I would be very very happy . However this issue does make me feel totally inadequate and unattractive to him. I can also assure you that as of woman in her mod forties who has raised four children I have also lived a little as you say and do not takeThis concern flippantly
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2015): He can see younger women all around him everyday. Yet another post claiming porn as the one and only reason for a failing and unhappy marriage or relationship.
If you strongly feel he is more interested in porn than you, why do you stay? Why do you tolerate it, if it makes you feel so undesirable and unhappy? The complaining will end when you decide your marriage makes you unhappy, and you can't change your husband. If he won't give it up, give him up; and return to single life. No one is forcing you to put up with it.
If you can't stop your husband's affinity to using porn; what advice can we offer but to suggest that you leave him? Since it bothers you so much. You have to do what's best for you. Even if it means giving up twenty plus years of marriage. Why continue to suffer?
If you've tried lingerie and every trick in the book, which I most seriously doubt; then give up and go. There is more wrong with your marriage than porn. I assure you.
It's easy to narrow it down to one significant issue. If you dig deeper and accept reality; you'll find more serious reasons. I promise you. Relationships are complex and have many layers. There is no one problem in a marriage.
This is a sign you're in denial. Your marriage has a lack of communication, intimacy and sexual-attraction is dead. That is because of a mixture of unresolved marital-problems and conflict between you. There is usually bickering, nagging, distrust, passive-aggressive meanness, and a lot of underlying issues people won't face that pulls them apart. Blaming it on his use of porn vilifies him, and makes you the victim. I know that it's a lot more wrong between you than that. I know something about life and human nature.
If your differences are irreconcilable, and you've exhausted every possible option. That's enough reason to leave. Especially, if he doesn't seem to care as you claim.
If porn is your one and only problem? Then it's just because you have "porn-envy," and hate the fact you've aged like all the rest of mankind and womankind will eventually. Grow old gracefully. Love yourself for it. You can't change the fact he is attracted to young women. He's a man. If he doesn't know how to behave like a "married-man" anymore, revoke the privilege. Go find your peace and happiness, without him. Divorce him, suck him dry financially; and take yourself on a cruise to get over it. I hope you have children and you're on good terms. You'll need their love and support while you go through the hell of a divorce.
If he's willing to go to counseling together and give up porn; then you might salvage your marriage. If he doesn't, kick his nasty porn-loving behind to the curb, take your share of the assets/property, reclaim your independence; and live out your life as you see fit.
Porn is not a hobby, it is an indulgence, and too much of it is an addiction. So you're wasting your time complaining to a man who makes it clear he's not giving it up for you.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (19 July 2015):
“Obviously old and boring,” you say. IS it really obvious? You have obviously assumed that he perceives you in this way because of his interest in pornography. Several years on this site have taught me that the role of pornography in these situations is far more complicated than that. It is rarely a rejection of the partner; it is not used by the man because his partner has become undesirable, boring, or whatever. He probably doesn’t even wish she looked like the porn stars. It is treated as a form of escapism. In the real world, relationships are give and take and require effort on both sides. This is not so with pornography, which offers relief and gratification without any of the stress. I doubt most husbands would, if offered the chance, consider leaving their marriage because the porn is just fantasy to them. They know it’s not the real world. Your husband probably does just see it as a hobby. That is why porn is so destructive. IT has an addictive quality and, like some-one hooked on anything, he’s become desensitised and indifferent to how it makes you feel. He is making you feel rejected, inadequate, unwanted and undesirable and he either can’t see it, or dismisses it as your problem and your hang up to get over. Either way, he ducks the responsibility.
If you really feel so hurt by what he’s doing (and many would), the only thing for it is to sit him down for a talk and be straight with him about it. If you’re considering the awful possibility of walking away from the marriage, tell him that too. He is not trying to meet you half way. Ask him to explain exactly what the porn does, that your sex life doesn’t. Ask him why, if it’s just a hobby, it matters so much that he’ll continue something that hurts you. I think he needs to be confronted by his insensitivity if he’s going to stop this. It is, for you, outside of your boundaries, and he needs to know this to decide what to do next.
I wish you all the very best.
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