A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m a 31-year-old guy, single, normal dating history. A few months ago, a friend of my mom’s called me and asked if I’d like to get together for coffee. I had met her at my mom’s house a couple of weeks prior and we had a nice talk. I thought she wanted to talk about my mom or something, but when we got together she said she knew it was a little awkward but she really enjoyed our conversation and she would like to get to know me better. I was surprised but after I thought about it, I figured, why not? I’d never dated anyone close to her age (early fifties), but I found her attractive, incredibly smart and funny (she’s a college professor), and really sexy in a way that I wasn’t used to. Fast forward to today and we are having a lot of fun together and she is my girlfriend. It’s no pressure at all and we haven’t agonized over what this means, where it’s going, etc. We’re just letting it happen and enjoying it while it lasts without making a lot of demands on each other.My question, though, involves my mom. For a lot of reasons, I haven’t told her about this. Our relationship is not super and I don’t know her thoughts about it either. Our “mutual friend,” though, is feeling like we should tell her so that she knows. although she and i also agrees it’s none of my mom’s business. Our “mutual friend,” has been friends for long time and she values my mother’s friendship. She’s also worried that we’ll be seen out together (which is not unlikely) and when my mother finds out from someone else, things will be much worse than if we just told her ourselves.As I said my girlfriend and I are having a lot of fun together. We’re just letting it happen and enjoying it. I find her attractive, incredibly smart and funny and sexy. Like I said we are having fun and letting it happen naturally. Sooner rather than later sex may be in the cards for us. Though I feel as if she wants my mom to know about us before she considers sex with me. Although it would not be any of my mom’s business if she and I have sex. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, kenny  +, writes (31 January 2022):
 I think that you should tell your mum the situation, i think that the longer that you leave it the harder it will be for your Mum to deal with.
You are both adults, your in your 30's, and she is in her 50's, your both free and mature enough to date who ever you want. I agree its not really your Mums business who you date, but in this situation as its your Mums friend i would tell her out of courtesy really, just stepping up and doing the right thing is best here.
Just tell her and let the chips fall where they may, after you have done it you will be glad that you did and you can both get on with your lives without creeping around.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2022): Frankly it is an unusual situation but yes you should let your mother know. she probably will not like it but do realize also that this is a love affair that will not last bc of the age difference and when that time comes she will no longer be your mum's friend anymore.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2022): So…..hear me out..maybe dating your mother’s friend because you do not get along with your mother….maybe you are replacing your mother with her friend? I think before you get serious you should explore this with a therapist. If you do explore this and find out this is not it well then great…but take heed this needs to be explored because if it is the case I see nothing but sadness and confusion for you going forward.Watch out though…she is much older and smarter…also she is not a good friend.She has shown you that by dating her friends son who is much younger than her.Not such a great catch as I see it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2022): I meant to say:
"Her prejudices, or opinions, are neither here [nor] there; and she may just as well be happy for you in the best case scenario."
P.S.
Well, we've gotten some posts from parents from guys in their 20's, who have formed romantic-connections with women in their 60's-80's. I wouldn't expect parents to be wild about that. I myself find it unsettling; but what happens between consenting adults is nobody's business but theirs. Only when the underaged are involved do we have any say or right to voice our indignation and disapproval.
Your mother may not like the age difference, and may be turned-off about her younger-son dating an older-woman; but this is a common and natural response. Her feelings matter, but they don't dictate whom you become romantically-attracted to. She knows that deep in her heart. Even if you don't have the greatest mother/son relationship; she gave you life, and love is there. Evidenced by the fact you are so concerned about her reaction, and you worry how that could affect their friendship. I think you both should break it to her together in-person. Not a surprise-attack over the phone, or through a text message. That's cowardly!
Let her see it with her own eyes, and give her time to digest it. I hate when someone I love timidly slips something important to me, in avoidance of my possible negative reaction. I'd rather they'd be there to comfort and calm me, if the news comes as a shock. Catch my drift?!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2022): You're in your thirties, and you're at a mature level of your life that you know how to use sound judgment and make wise choices. I think it's lovely how you've met, and see no reason you should hide the existence of your relationship from your mother.
Your mother is free to express her feelings or opinions; but she no longer has rule or regulation over your life, or whom you wish to date or marry. In fact, she may be more pleased than you may presume or anticipate; but all that is yet to be determined. Regardless of how she feels for, or against it; it does not require her permission, and any negative-reaction to it is her business. It has no bearing on your relationship. If she ends the friendship due to this, oh well! Her prejudices, or opinions, are neither here not there; and she may just as well be happy for you in the best case scenario.
Out of love, we do our best to please our parents; but once we become adults, there are areas of our lives that are no longer within the scope of their parenting, and outside their jurisdiction and control.
Don't fret, be honest, and let the chips fall where they may. Tell mom! Brace yourself for her surprised reaction. Stay calm and chill. Be prepared for the worst, and hope for the best. That's all anyone can do.
Best wishes!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (29 January 2022):
 Tell you mom. Dont make her find out through gossip. Its far better to hear it from you. Its hard to say how she will react. You know her we dont. I have a son your age and if he started dating a friend of mine that was my age, I would be kind of weirded out at least atf first but hopefully I would come around. Your mom doesnt have to approve but hopefully things wont change between the 3 of you. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 January 2022):
 You and your GF are in your 30's and 50's so OLD enough to make a choice of whom to date.
Tell your mom. Be matter of fact about it. She really doesn't get a say in whom you date. She might not like it, OK You could be dating a stranger to your mom and she still doesn't like the girl.
I would just tell her that you have taken "A" on a few dates and you really enjoy her company, that it's not serious but it might be in time.
Other than that? Does your mom really need details? No.
But she might NOT keep "A" around as a friend after this. It is a little "strange" to have a good friend and then see her son and go, Yeah, I think I wanna date that guy... You know?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (29 January 2022):
 While I do completely understand your comment that is none of your mum's business, neither does it need to be a secret. You're 31. Grow a pair and just tell your mother you are dating her friend. You are both consenting single adults. You are not harming anyone by dating each other.
Your girlfriend wants to keep her friendship with your mum, hence is not comfortable with keeping secrets from her. This is understandable.
In your shoes I would message your mum first so she has time to get her head round the situation. Then go and see her together if she likes. Neither you nor your girlfriend are doing anything wrong, although your mum may have issues with the situation, given the age difference and her relationship with you both.
Just bite the bullet and get it over with so you can enjoy your relationship without any worries about your mum.
Good luck. I hope it all works out for you.
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