A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Do I tell my boyfriend I was raped? I have been dating a guy for 3 months now and I have not told him that I was raped 8 years ago and that is also the only time I have had sex, not sure what happened as I was unconcious most of the night so I also still feel like a virgin and I'm in my late 20s. I'm so ashamed and embarraased, I don't know how or if I should tell him. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sweet ma  +, writes (9 September 2010):
Am sorry to hear that and you should tell him because it will be like living a lie and you would feel guilty
A
female
reader, kaylajasper  +, writes (11 August 2010):
I think you should tell him. He will be faced with two choices face up to the facts or basically act like a coward and leave you.
I told my boyfriend about my rape and he was perfectly accepting and he doesn't pressure me into anything.
I would tell him if I were you.
...............................
A
female
reader, sexybitch1982 +, writes (21 March 2010):
I got raped, he WAS in prison. now he lives nxtdoor wtf shud i do
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2008): I would recommend telling him about what had happened if you feel like you can trust him. I told my boyfriend about what happened and when he gets mad at me he constantly bring the rape up. It hurts everytime and he tells me it is my fault. I have a 7 yr old son from the incident and he is really mean to him to.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): I totally know how you feel--I am in the same situation. Have gone out on a few dates with this man and feel like we have a connection, which I haven't felt in a very long time.
I have done a lot of thinking on this subject. I decided I will only tell him after he has expressed his feelings to me and wants to be in a committed relationship. I have also decided to hold off on sex until then. I will tell him, because I think it is important for him to know IF he is going to be my partner. I also agree with the previous poster to leave out details.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2008): I think you should only tell him if you think the relationship is going somewhere and if you feel you love this guy./Also if he loves you too.
I made the mistake of telling one of my ex s that I was abused as a child and he was horrible about it and we ended up splitting up he made me feel worse.
I told my present partner (my husband now)as he needed to know as it affected me sexually.he was very understanding and took things slow etc
A warning though, If you do decide to tell him spare him any details as this really upset my husband.
I would only tell him if this rape still affects you sexually and your relationship.
Remember you should not feel bad about this its not your fault!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (19 October 2008):
 It really depends how serious you and your boyfriend are. Three months isn't a long time and at the moment you owe him nothing, you're still getting to know one another. He doesn't need to know (after 3 months together) that you're "not technically a virgin", that's your business. I'm sorry but he doesn't "have the right" to know your past sexual history either, not after just 3 months. No one has "the right" to know anything about another, it's all about CHOICE... YOUR CHOICE!
On saying that, if you continue to be with him and your relationship develops and things do get more serious then it would be a good idea to confide in him as you might find you have some emotional difficulties re intimacy after what happened to you and he'll want to know why. Whether you're still a virgin or not shouldn't matter to him. He should be compassionate, understanding and protective about what happened to you in the past and if he truly does care for you then it shouldn't matter one iota to him.
Don't feel bad or embarrassed about what happened to you, it's in the past, you came through it and you're with someone now who seems to care for you a lot. I wish both of you all the best.
~Eve~
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2008): You must absolutely tell him. For several reasons. 1st, he needs to know that you are not 'technically' a virgin. If you portray yourself as one (and you do have the right to consider yourself that emotionally), then he will find out and consider you a liar, and ruin your relationship. 2nd, he has a right to know your sexual history, willing or not (in this case not, since you were raped). 3rd, you do have (and rightly and understandably so) have sexual intimacy issues with males after the rape. He need to know why you might react certain ways when you two get close and intimate. He will react 1 of 2 ways, you can judge your future relationship with him based on his reaction. 1). He will be completely understanding and still consider you a virgin, and know that you didn't do anything wrong or immoral. or, 2). He will be a jerk and consider you 'damaged' goods, even though it wasn't your fault.Base your future relationship with your boyfriend on his reaction, but do tell him, and soon.I'm sorry you were the victim of such a horrible crime. Giving away your body should be something you and only you decide, and only for that someone special. You have my thoughts and prayers. Since it is 8 years since the 'event', you should be able to move past it and have a 'normal' relationship with this man, but only if you are open and honest, and only if he is a compassionite and loving kind of guy.Good Luck, I wish you all the best.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2008): You poor baby. I think it would be very hard for you of course, but you should tell your boyfriend. I'm sure he wouldn't think any less of you, and could support you. If you don't tell him and become intimate it could be quite a harrowing experience for you.What if you don't act the way your guy thinks you should and he gets upset not understanding your concerns/fears? But if he knows, he can be extra gentle and caring, and understand if you are really frightened or have fears. You have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about sweetie.
...............................
A
female
reader, BLONDII3 +, writes (19 October 2008):
 Babe, Don't ever feel ashamed or embarrased! Yes you should tell your boyfriend he WILL understand. Of course you haven't had any other sex, probably because of the fact that it would be hard on you after that terrible ordeal. But believe me tell your boyfriend he will understand! Good Luck xxxx
...............................
|
