A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My question is should I stay with my wife and have a routine life or go and be with someone who I believe is my soulmate. I have tried hard to make my marriage work and my wife is a very decent person but I feel as though I am living with a sister or cousin to be honest. We also argue a lot these days.I met someone else a while ago who I really believe is my soulmate. I want to be with her and if I was not married I would be with this woman in a flash, no doubt about it. What do I do? Do I stay and be only partly happy or leave and be truly happy with the woman I believe is my soulmate? I am not proud of myself for cheating but I really have tried everything to be happy in this marriage. My wife is very traditional and does not want much sex but is more interested in companionship whereas the other woman make me feel alive and this is not just a fling as I have known her as a friend for a few years then I fell in love with her 18 months ago. I don't want to hurt my wife and the only reason I would stay in the marriage now is to avoid giving her pain. I have 3 sons over 18 who don't know anything about this. I can't bear to think about a life without my soulmate but I know I can't go on having two women indefinitely. Some objective advice would really help. Thanks
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 December 2015):
 Your counsellor would see if she can compromise and work on her self esteem and insecurity. Throughout the years it sounds like you try to please her, however begrudgingly. So you never had a chance to find out if you didn't bend to her wills, her control in order to appease her anger, would she compromise. Now she is finding out that what she dreaded about you, happened. Having an affair isn't the exact thing that builds her independence, or motivate her to become stronger.
I still wouldn't leave until I find out if she can work with you. I understand that being smothering is an attraction killer. If you pretend to be happy and are afraid of confrontation, then nothing improves and all it does is you are still wrapped around your wife's finger.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2015): Thanks again. This is OP again. My wife does get angry with me and shouts at me and sends me very angry texts but I thought this was just because she cares. This happened throughout the marriage, usually if I went out. I hardly ever went out, mostly I have worked, then gone home, helped out with the children and shopping and so on. Now and then I wanted to go out with colleagues for a drink (before I started seeing the other woman) and if I was out past about 10pm she would get really angry and send me angry texts, which made me feel a bit restricted. She also can be quite controlling and I am not allowed to have any kind of facial hair. I really don't want to bad mouth her though but these things have caused a few problems. She has also never been happy if I have to speak to other women, either at work or in any other kind of social setting. I had to attend an IT course a couple of years ago and some of the homework and assessments were done on skype and in my case, the tutor/assessor was female which my wife did not like. My wife is a very nice person though, overall but she does not like to be alone and does depend on me for everything. I have told her before I don't mind her going out with friends once a week or even going for a weekend with friends (this is nothing to do with the other woman, this is before all of that) but she prefers for us to spend all our time together. In this sense we are incompatible. She also deeply dislikes an aspect of my personality, which is that when I am focusing on something, I tend to focus on one thing at once. In my experience a lot of men are like this but my wife has said it is a personality defect on my part. Example: If I was going some IT coursework I would focus 100% on that for the hour or whatever, or if I am grooming the dog, I focus on the task 100% and she will want to talk to me but once I lose concentration it can be hard to re-focus. Not sure if this any help to give a bit of context.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (27 December 2015):
The counsellor would tell you to lay off the affair for a while to commit to your marriage. Which means you will have to prepare to lose your soulmate. Maybe your counsellor can help her find out if she can physically want you again. If you are only having sex a few times a year I would totally understand why you would be tempted to have an affair. It can also be her menopause, old age, body images that's causing low libido. We all get there unfortunately.
If there's a problem in your marriage you either solve it or end it. Your wife didn't know you are unhappy and you didn't give her a chance to work with you together.
Mostly emotions are self inflicted, or they are implicit reactions to what we dread feeling in the past. If your wife is a very decent person she would not have caused your unhappiness on purpose. Maybe she became a joyless person because you became distant and distracted and you just relied on her to give you the spark in life.
If the above reasons are what made your wife lose interest in bed, it would be very hard to leave this marriage. If however, your wife is the kind that picks on arguments, refuse to hug or kiss, hen there's nothing to do with being traditional. She just decided to shut off from life and make you feel deprived. Can't simply leave a wife just because she became boring.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2015): Hi, this is OP. Thank you for the comments. I think I need to go and get some counselling before making a decision. We had quite a miserable Christmas and to be honest I was unhappy long before I started seeing someone else. I am going to suggest that I attend counselling alone and that we attend counselling as couple, if my wife will agree. I am miserable without the person who I believe is my soulmate and I can see that my wife is irritated by me (understandably so) because I am distant and distracted. I think I need to get help and then make a decision. Mainly I think that it would be selfish to stay with my wife when I really an unhappy as it is unfair to her long term. There is still a lot of confusion and soul searching. Thanks again for the insights which are appreciated. I know I can't look to other people to solve my issues but having objective thoughts is really valuable & no I definitely don't expect any sympathy I get that. I really do feel like I'm living 'half a life' if I stay with my wife. My wife told me over Christmas that if I am not happy I should be up front about it. The problem is that I've been trying to hide it and pretend. Much thanks again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2015): Hi OP.
Just wondering what your thoughts are after you have read all of these comments?
Have they helped you in any way?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2015): Not all women are gold diggers!I would not care how much money my married boyfriend has. It would not affect my decision either way to be with him and stay with him forevermore.Don't blame him for the failure of his marriage. There are two people in a marriage. Don't pin the blame on him. He doesn't need judgement. What he is going through is difficult enough.Obviously there were problems in the marriage long before the other woman or arguments that led him to seek love elsewhere.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 December 2015):
 Oh, you and your wife have been arguing a lot these day. What a surprise!
It wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that you have been absent emotionally, sexually and spiritually for the past 18 months would it?
Oh woe, oh woe, oh poor you ........ stuck in a marriage with a woman who has given you the best years of her life.
I think you should put your money where your mouth is, sign the house and all worldly possessions over to her, and also put some sort of contract in place where she gets the major part of your wages to ensure she will suffer no financial loss.
You say you don't want to cause her pain, well, too late mate, you already have by cheating on her for the past 18 months.
If you really don't want to hurt your wife then sign it all over and take only your clothes and off you go.
Be careful though, just how you burn your bridges, you might find you are not so attractive to the little love dove without the trappings of success a man of your age should have accumulated, a share of a house, a car, money in the bank and so forth, and just as she is not wanting to share a man with his wife, she may also be unhappy at the prospect of sharing his wealth with his wife as well.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (24 December 2015):
This is a very personal question. I believe there are people who are not matched sexually and no matter what you do you can't extract passion from that union. I also believe even though you two feel more like relatives than lovers, such a relationship can't be undermined. Even when you start a formal relationship with your supposed soulmate, your relationship with your wife does not stop there. Unless you move to another country away from your family, you would bump into her, you would talk to your wife about your kids, attend family functions or funerals together. I myself can't be totally happy if that happiness is built on someone's misery. It's possible that your children would be affected too. They may no longer have faith in love because of your decision.
This is not even a question of whether there's a happily ever after with the other woman. For me, it's whether I am able to plunge into a full relationship by forgetting and putting behind years of devotion. If you were your son's age, I would have advised you not to marry out of obligation. But since you have built your life with your wife, it's hard to just say goodbye forever.
Your wife may not be the kinky kind, but there has to be something about her that can make you feel alive. It's just not sex, but something more sacred.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2015): Leave your wife. Give her an opportunity to find a man who will truly love her.
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A
female
reader, Euphoria30  +, writes (24 December 2015):
Dear OP,A new start always carries the hope for life to become significantly better.Yet, even with your soulmate, if you want to build a new life, there will be new routine that has to be installed, eventually. You will need to share a toilet, household duties, bills. Maybe you won't have the same problems with her as with your wife.. but.. .. it could also be that because you only changed women, but not YOURSELF, you will quickly reinstate an everyday life similar to the one you had. Imposing on the relationship all the baggage you brought, which maybe you don't see yet. All the things that you contribute to the arguments, the dullness of your days, the lack of sexy atmosphere. It takes two to tango..Your new woman doesn't have you around most of the time, does she? So she may not see all the things of you that could annoy her, or that could damage a relationship. She is giving you lots and lots of love, because she hopes you'll decide to live a life with her. Hope and understanding for the stress of your situation is giving her extra patience, and extra longing. Since there was no every day life, she only knows the most passionate and most special part of you. Likely to a tourist who only sees the most beautiful beaches of Spain and flamenco shows then imagines life must be paradise if he moved there, nights full of guitar sounds and wine. Not yet feeling the summer heat, the economical crisis, the sense of not belonging that comes along with the transition. Bottom line: Do better, either in your marriage or the next relationship. Don't just do more, become wiser. Or face major disappointment.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (24 December 2015):
 Did you used to be the Governor of South Carolina?????
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2015): Leave your wife. But realise that it takes 2 people to make a marriage work and while you have been befriending and subsequently falling in love with another woman your poor wife has had to suffer with your attention leaving her, your mind being elsewhere and your body becoming someone else's. I'm not saying your wife isn't at fault, but you can't have honestly tried to make your marriage work recently because you have been in love with another women for 18 months.Do yourself and your wife the decent thing and part ways. It's not fair on you to have to live a lie and it's not fair on your wife to not be with someone who loves and desires her.It won't be easy, but you're already moving on with someone else. Life is too short to write yourself off in an unhappy relationship. You have had what I assume is many happy years together whilst raising your family, and your wife needs to know you were happy then and enjoyed that time but now you have both drifted apart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2015): You are in love with another woman.That is all that matters.Your decision should be made by this one important fact alone.Follow your heart and be happy.You need to end this marriage. You aren't happy with your wife anymore. Would you want to risk losing the woman who makes you truly happy to stay in a marriage of obligation? Sometimes you just know in your heart that no matter how hard you try, your marriage is over. And that's okay. Marriages aren't always meant to last forever. And they aren't a prison sentence either. It takes a strong man to follow the path of his heart. So many would be afraid and suffer in silence for the rest of their lives. For what? To maintain a facade for the benefit of everyone else? We need to have the guts to follow our happiness. And never settle for anything less.Go be with her. I am sure she loves you just as much as you love her. :)I know. I love my married boyfriend. We have been together almost three years. His situation is exactly like yours. I am longing to hear the words "I love you" from him. And I would be there for him with my arms wide open if he left his marriage to be with me. I know this isn't easy. Gut wrenching in fact. Your decision is one of the hardest things to make. You are right. It gets to be emotionally and physically draining leading two lives. It takes a toll. But I believe true love should always win in the end. Life is short. To be anything but happy.Take Care.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (23 December 2015):
 You know the difference between a wife and your soulmate????
You don't live with your soulmate...because if you do, you will find out that her and your wife have a lot in common. That old saying "Come and visit me, and come to live with me, are two completely different things."
Very often when men say they have tried everything to make things work...It means they have tried everything that "they" think should work. Most cases, it is not what your wife "needs" to make things work.
So many times I hear the wife is the problem. Do yourself a favour before you leave. Sit down and have a good look at yourself. Start pointing the finger you. I bet you will see a lot of things that you can do better to make your marriage work.
Before you can change things in other people, you must first change things in yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2015): HiI like your honesty about facing up and changing the status quo, as sad as it may be. Always sad when marriages break down but sadder when partners deceive for years and won't make the break to start a new life, thus depriving their partner also of true happiness/love. I would consider the fork in the road.On one hand, you could be brave and end your marriage gently but truthfully possibly giving your wife time to start again, i don't believe in wasting precious years ( on either side)On the other hand, 'routine' can happen because you (both) have( forgotten) how to play and enjoy life. Have you tried something different, taking her away and making her feel special again. Have you offered her adventure? At some point even your soul mate relationship could go stagnant as well,we need to 'live'and'love'the thrill of life's adventures, not just sexual chemistry it is not enough to sustain a life partner to enjoy life with.I am a believer in following ones heart, but also REMEMBERING one's heart....was the heart their in the beginning or were you incompatible back then, or just doing what you believed was expected of you? Living with a sister or cousin, can be mistaken for living with a 'best friend' and best friends are the ones i prefer to travel through life with, best friends can be lovers.I always say be truthful to oneself and other's and deliver the truth gently, if it has to be spoken.Your Children have their own adult lives now, so don't let this influence your decision making.Hope this helps, good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2015): The only decent thing to do is to leave. Your wife's getting hurt as we speak. You do not have to live in a loveless marriage but you do have to respect your partner.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 December 2015):
 The best thing that you can do is leave your wife. She will be hurt either way. You need to be honest with her about how you feel, she deserves to know the truth.
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A
female
reader, Flower89  +, writes (23 December 2015):
 If your Wife isn't your soul mate, your not happy and don't love her anymore. Then leave. Let her find someone who will love all of her & treat her how she deserves.
Keep in mind the grass isn't always greener.
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