A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I recently joined an online dating forum and have been chatting to a few people including new female friends which is great. The options on the forum in terms of what members are looking for are as follows: Serious relationship, friends, casual relationship, anything.I ticked anything because I am looking for friends or possible casual dating and maybe a serious relationship if that developed. I don't have any particular specific expectations.A man emailed me, who says he is in a serious relationship with a long term girlfriend but is looking for just 'new friends' male or female. I chatted to him a bit just in a friend type way and then he made a joke about 'sex toys'. Since then he has approached me to chat again and every time, no matter what other conversations take place (ie travel, cookery, etc etc) he always takes the opportunity to bring up the subject of sex toys as a 'joke'. I went along with it a bit in a jokey way but soon started to feel uncomfortable.The other day I challenged him about this in a polite way and I said that I was chatting only as friends and he apologised but said he is 'glad to find a friend that he can talk to anything about' and is 'not trying to be inappropriate or make you feel uncomfortable'.I am as opened minded as the next person and yes the odd joke or conversation about sex toys with an informal friend is probably ok but I am starting to feel as though he is trying to use these conversations to kind of 'get off on' talking about sex toys as he never fails to bring it up.Am I being prudish or over reactive or would this annoy other people too? I can be a bit reactive at times. I am happy to speak to him now and then in a friendly way, strictly as forum friends but I made it 100% clear (in a polite but blunt way) that I am only interested in dating single men.I do enjoy chatting to him as he is interesting and quite funny and has given me quite a few helpful tips and travel and European cookery (he is chef) which I am interested in along with some really useful travel websites and information.He also suggested that we could maybe meet for a coffee sometime. I asked him if his girlfriend would be happy about that and would she like to come along too and he said she probably would not be pleased about him meeting a female for a drink but that she understands he wants to make new friends (as in actual friends, not dates/romance).Am I being a bit OTT?Thanks for reading.Jan
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2015): Thank you so much for the comments. Some guys are very good at pulling our strings it seems. I was actually feeling guilty at one point!! Incredible. Thanks again xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2015): Hi :)You are not an idiot. He is. You're just a lovely, trusting person and it's such a shame that people like you (and me) have had to toughen up and learn to hear crap when it's being said albeit through a veil of friendship and warmth.I was the anon who said you sounded naïve and I have won awards for this myself in the past. I believed what I was told and trusted people. What a shame that these creeps make us into different people.That's why I say get out and about. Meet men in person and when you meet one that's right for you, you won't just feel that he's only after one thing. I have been exactly the same as you and I'm sorry if I sounded harsh, but it took bad experiences for me to learn this lesson. I just wanted you to learn it from us here before meeting this creep in the flesh. You sound lovely, I'm sure you are and many men out there would consider themselves very lucky to meet you and have a chance to know you. Just wanted to install the alarm bells in your psyche so when you hear this crap from anonymous men on the internet talking sex, they ring loud and clear! Keep safe.Happy Christmas and New Year to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2015): OP here. Thanks. Yes I am a bit naïve sometimes. I feel quite stupid now. I could have been forgiven for thinking he actually liked me as a person or friend, genuinely since he always wants to talk, is not in a rush to leave and does talk about a range of interesting topics. He said I make him laugh as well. Based on all of that I thought he was not just wanting to talk to me for reasons of sex!! Ho hum. I actually genuinely had visions of all 3 of us meeting for a drink, as friends, having a laugh, as I have done with other male friends. It is actually not a nice feeling because I was left feeling that I am a bit of an idiot and men only want to speak to me for one thing. Anyhow, Thanks very much again :) Happy Christmas All.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (24 December 2015):
 Something I forgot to add re his girlfriend...
He wants to meet you face to face but doesn't want his girlfriend to come and he doesn't want you to think he's up to anything so he tells you it's SHE who doesn't to come but is ok enough with your friendship for you two to meet alone. Riiiiiiight.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (24 December 2015):
Another vote for the 'you're not OTT' camp. I don't think this guy is entirely on the up and up.
Saying he was glad to find a friend with whom he could talk about anything was really just his non confrontational way of accusing you, before the fact, of being unreasonable should you take offense to him crossing the line. He put you on the defensive from the get-go so that you would spend the rest of this 'friendship' proving how reasonable you are.
Given that he always steers the conversation to sex/sex toys, that he's evasive with his girlfriend about your association and his reluctance to include her in a face to face meeting with you smells awfully fishy.
He clearly does not think of you as a friend, OP, though I believe his interest in you is purely sexual and not romantic. He's on the hunt, OP, and tries to trick women into trusting him 'as a friend'.
He may be intelligent and interesting, even helpful some of the time, but that's just the cost of doing business. This is a very old tactic.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2015): You're not being OTT at all!! Not OTT enough in my opinion. Honestly? 'I just want a friend who I can talk about sex with' !! and my girlfriend knows I'm looking for friends? Oh please!! You sound so lovely, but excuse me saying, ..very very naiive. If you would believe this claptrap for one single second, then I worry for you being subjected to all the blokes out there who are looking to hoodwink women. Don't meet him, for goodness sake, girlfriend or no girlfriend present. What a creep! I cannot think for one single second what having a lying sex pest like this in your life would do for you. Do yourself a favour and find hobbies and education and volunteer groups and anything else you can think of where you can meet people in real life. This internet lark is like a kid in a sweet shop for most men and you're the sweet! He's talking about sex toys for one reason and one reason only. He wants to get off. In real life by meeting you or via chatting to you. You're not a friend he can talk about anything to, you are most likely one of many women he is trying this line with to see who will bite. Don't let it be you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2015): He is talking shit. I would bet £100 his gf has no idea he is chatting to other women. You probably aren't the only person he is bringing up sexual conversation and you're probably right and he is using it to get off on.
Just end the chat with him as it will go nowhere. He has a gf and shouldn't be wasting his time online chatting to single women. That's not the sign of an innocent, friendly guy but of a man who is a complete dick.
Just block him. You're not being ott at all.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 December 2015):
 I do not think you are being OTT at all.
He's a tool IMO
IF you meet him for a drink of any type it's only WITH his GF present. FRIENDS are not a threat to anyone's relationship and if he WON'T tell her about you, then he's lying to her and to you too. I DOUBT his intent is pure.
My suggestions... warn him that from now on when the top turns to sex or sex toys the conversation is over for that day and end the chat. Let him stew for 24 hours about it and then try again.... WHEN he tries to bring up sex or sex toys.. END THE CHAT.
eventually he will stop bringing up sex and sex toys or he will go "poof" and you will know he was a liar trying to get into your pants.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 December 2015):
 I don't think you are being OOT at all, and I think he is using the, and I quote.... "he is glad to find a friend that he can talk to anything about" as an excuse to bring up subject like.. .the sex toys.
If you have told him that you don't find that an appropriate subject matter, he shouldn't bring it up again. If he does I'd consider looking for another "friend". I would not go out for drinks or coffee either, unless he brings his GF. I think it's fair enough to ask to met her if he wants to met up. If she is so happy that he is making new friends... She'd want to met his new "friends" I would presume.
He might be funny and helpful, but I think you are walking a line right now that you may not really want to walk.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 December 2015):
 No you are not being OTT at all. This has a red signal all over it. It sounds to me that he is in a relationship but he is also looking to talk to women online to give himself a boost. Sounds to me like he is bored and looking for some fun conversation.
If it was me I would not be comfortable talking to him about sexual things either. Tell him that is off limits and if he mentions it again well then my advice would be to ignore him completely.
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