A
male
age
51-59,
*e not you
writes:My wife and I have been married for six years and together for eleven. We have two beautiful boys soon to be five and six. On our third year of marriage work required me to leave for a year and I was only able to return for a two week block about eight months in. She seemed very happy to see me but she was in another place. I dismissed it to us just being apart for so long. Even though I was gone for so long I would call just about every night waiting up to three hours just to make a phone call. She was all I thought about and the boys of course with out fail. Everything that I did I did for them always before my self. When I returned I felt the same distance I felt when I came back on leave but it got worse as time went on. She spent more and more time on the phone, texting friends then she would talking to me. I started to fear the worst. My wife and I had been so close for so long I said to my self that it would be impossible for her to be cheating on me. There was no way in my mind that that could be happening. Not to me, after all I had given her my heart. There was no turning back, I gave her my soul. I decided that I was going to go see a shrink mostly because I started having bad dreams, dreams of my wife getting raped and a saw my self there in a third person watching her get raped and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Then I started to think, maby I'm having these dreams because she's having an affair and I couldn't stop it, but she can't be having an affair we were so close for so long but were not close anymore........ok shrink time. I thought ok, maybe if I had someone to talk to I could see how rediculous this whole thing is. Well the doc put me on zoloft to help keep me from going crazy, but what it realy did was just not make me care. I hated feeling this way it wasn't me at all. I was a popular guy and everyone liked me so I had to do something and soon, all this craziness has taken up almost a year of my life. Wow a year since I returned home something was deffently going on. My work once again required that I go to school for three weeks and I thought its now or never. Its time that I trust the feelings that I've had and set the trap. I left for training and kept in contact with her through the week not letting her know that I was going to return that weekend. It was a long nights drive but it had to be done, I has to find out if I was crazy so I could get some help or if this was the real deal. I had prep the camcorder and waited outside my house, blood pumping threw my veins so fast I nearly ripped the steering wheel of the car. As I sat there about ready to break down, I thought to my self, maybeI don't want to know, this is going to kill me, I practically have pure adrenaline running through my veins The lights went out so I swallowed my heart turned on the camcorder and entered the house. As I approached the bedroom and heard the moaning I can honestly say that this was the moment that my hart truly died........... The door was locked and I tried to kick it in with no luck. I then began pounding on the door untill she opened it. And there it was as plain as day, a day that I would wish on no one. A day where everything that you have fought for was lost. After it was all said and done my mind was cleared. I wasn't crazy, all this time and I wasn't crazy and it only cost me my heart. I kicked them both out of the house and told them to do that crap somewhere else. Maybe I'm crazy after all but after two and a half years I didn't think it really mattered. I didn't know what else to do but kick them out and stay with the boys. I knew I had to leave for training the next day but I didn't really care at this point. The next day when she returned she asked if we were done. I paused.......I didn't know what to say. what was left of my hart still loved her. And after eleven years she was all that I knew. I told her that she was never to see or contact him again ever. She looked at me and nodded her head. But nothing is that easy is it. I had to go back to training and I told her that I would talk to her over the next few weeks and that we would work on things. As I went through the rest of my training, we fought a lot, she still wanted to remain friends with him, she claimed that he had been there for him when I was gone and our family were little help. I tried to explain to her that every time I herd his name I relived the whole thing. I can't live this way then the big brick hit me. My work was going to transfer me to the city where he lived. I new then that this pain would never leave my heart. What kind of joke is GOD playing on me. I never thought I deserved it like this. I grew tired of talking about it and wanted to put it to bed so I just stopped talking about it. I thought I was being the nice guy here. I never restricted her from doing anything just him. Then the second brick hit me and it hit hard. Ten days after the transfer she asked me if she could go out with him, you know just as friends. I thought to my self ( being in a state of shock) for the very first time, I no longer see us together for ever, for the very first time I didn't feel like I couldnt live without her. Besides if I said no it she wouldnt have understood she can't see past her own selfishness and I was in no mood to fight. I hit a big turning point that day. Don't get me wrong, I still love her but it was that moment that I thought, I don't think I'm in love with her anymore. Now I'm torn. I know what divorces are, they are completely unfair to the father even with an affair ill never get the boys. So do I stay married let her cheat so I can see my boys every day, to be a influencing force in there lives or try to repair my life and see them when the courts say I can like every other weekend. I feel so lost.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (13 June 2009):
 Its over and you know it you really don't need any of us to tell you that. See a lawyer, work out the finances find out what your options will be with regard to the kids. Can't believe she ran to ask your permission to go out with him...its over.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): I sympathize with your plight. It is an awful situation to be in. I have been reading a book about affairs-When Good People Have Affairs by Mira Kirshenbaum-and she pointed out that people have them to COPE with something that is lacking in the relationship. They are a coping mechanism.
I guess your dear, loving wife could not stand the lack of intimacy when you were out doing you manly duty of earning a living for the family. It sounds weak but she should have told you that she really needed you by her side all the time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): found this beautiful email. thought you could use this as well:
"Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the one's who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. "
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): as i read your words it actually felt like a knife being plunged down my throat..........imagine what it is doing to you, living this lie. and sadly, realistically, your marriage is a lie. it was over the day you caught her with this other man in your bed. you may not have actually seen the sexual physical act but seen the evidence of him in yor bedroom. that is enough to make a normal man commit murder. but you were the decent one so you handled it the best you could.
your life has blatantly disrespected you, you have shown you the middle finger and has said go F8ck yourself, i will continue having sex with this man. her actions speak volumes. she has detached herself from you and your marriage the moment she started sleeping with this guy. this man matters more to her than you. this is hurtful, but you need to realise that she is no longer your wife. yes, leagally, but morally, emotionally, sexually, she doesn't want you.
what is there to love about her. she doesn't care for you. she is only concerned about her sexual needs. why saty with a person that you should actually feel repulsed every time you see her. this woman ( i actually cannot call her a lady) has betrayed you for so long yet you have given her the best of both worlds. her lover and you, the quite, humble husband who just allows her to get her sexual gratification from this man. total total disrespect for you and your marriage.
when you are older and someone asks you what did you do with your life. will you answer i accepted that i was a cuckold hb and just lived a life for my boys. do you think you are being fair. what role model are you trying to be here. i know your intentions are good ( so honourable) but why live a lie. are you trying to tell your boys that it is ok to cheat. by staying in this betrayed marriage this is the message you are giving them.
your boys will survive a divorce. they know you love them, they have the evidence of your love. and as they grow older they will want you to be happy. i think you deserve a second chance at happiness, don't you. i think you deserve to be able to love and have someone love you completely, someone loyal, faithful and morally correct. by you staying with her, she will just continue abusing you. in the end you will have only yourself to blame for your emotional instability. why? because you allowed her to abuse you (this abuse here is called marital infidelity).
you deserve respect. your words are so tragic, your circumstances are so sad. why live this life like this anymore. yes, you are a good dad. but there is more to life. you need to make this choice and realise and accept that you deserve the happiness someone else can bring to you. you need to create a healthy balanced environment for your boys. you can onlt do this when you are away from this woman. your "wife" has stripped away all shred of your dignity. it is time to take this back.
while you stay in this marriage,plse realsie that you are sharing your resources with her. she has sdredded your heart yet you still provide for her. wow, she has it all on the plate. its time to make firm clear decisions . its time to strip away her financial freedom. after all why must a cuckold hb still pay with his finances. your boys will not suffer, you will still continue paying for them and providing for them, but providing for this "wife" needs to stop. her behaviour doesn't warrant any sympathy. so why are you still playing the "happy" spouse.
we all try to rationalise and do not want to hurt our kids. we actually do more damage to them by living a lie. we send out the wrong message. it will be hard during the divorce, but right now, what good are you when you are not healed. during the seperation and divorce you need to talk to the kids, lovingly and openly. tell them how mush dad loves them and how you will always. tell them lovingly that you and their mother are going you seperate ways. there will be tears yes. but later there will be understanding and accpetance. just like how you need to accept that this marriage is over. over time, you will slowly get used to the alternative weekends with them. it will be tough but you need to go through this for YOU. you need to slowly take stock of your life and make alternative arrangements for your life.
(if) when you decide to call it quits, be strategic. i am not saying underhanded but strategic when it comes to finances. this woman doesn't deserve anything from you. so please be wise. see an attorney. start "putting away" money that she wouldn't get her hands on. you need to ensure you broker the best financial deal for yourself. (i know the financial provisions for the kids will be there). i have seen to many cheating spouses end up with the lions share because the cheated spouse was not strategic. remember these people only care for themselves, they will use anyone and anything to get something they are not rightly entitled to, so please be wise during negotiations. see an attaorney on the sly as you decise. make an inventory. make notes. have an audit trail.
i wish you happiness because i believe you deserve to be happy. divorce is not easy especially when one spouse is unfaithful. but it is a necessary evil. in your case., it is a justified evil. i know your kids will get through this. you have spent the last 2.5 yrs (?) lost, in turmoil, in pain. how musch longer do you want this self inflicted pain to continue. you have a chance at finding happiness. you are still young ,not yet 40, so you have years and years left to make something of your life. i frimly believe there is someone else loyal, faithful out there. you just need to take this leap of faith and say my life is precious, my life is valuable, and yes be selfish in your persuit of happiness.
good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): from a guy...
I didn't read your entire post. I saw the part about them having sex in your bed while you watched, however briefly after you caught them.
Hell yes it is over. What are you thinking? What more do you have to hear from her? Do you have to catch her with entire Dallas Cowboys football team? I consider them damn lucky you didn't kill them. Until the late 1950s in the U.S. you would not have even been prosecuted had you done that.
I am a lawyer and if you are in the U.S. the courts will do what they earnestly believe is in the best interest of your children and they will listen to ALL the facts including any information about any party who considers infidelity and lying to be perfectly acceptable.
Maybe I missed it but is the guy married or have a gf? If so I would let them know what you know. They will appreciate it.
Now, it's over, there are plenty of women out there who would love to have you and if you are still reading this you have wasted time in getting the divorce.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): It sounds like you are already coming to the conclusion that the marriage is over as far as you are concerned. All the time apart has been too much for her and she needs someone who is around more and is unlikely to be faithful now. I think you are best splitting up.
By the way, you write very well, with excellent descriptions, had you thought of joining a creative writing group? It might be something that could help you as it can give you chance to pour out your feelings.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): You have described your journey very emotionally and you clearly hold in so much pain but like you say you have turned a corner. It sounds to me that you have lost your sense of self in all of this mess and that all your energy, your heart and soul has gone into worrying, wondering and coping with it all. Before you make this final leap of faith because I do believe divorce is your only answer, then you need to spend some time rebuilding yourself and give yourself time to consider how life will be as 'you'. You have allowed your wife to walk all over you knowing that you love her enough to stay put. You are entitled to be free of this mess that has never been your fault but you are keeping yourself in it like a trap. You are not trapped. I am no lawyer but just because courts say you can have access once a fortnight does not mean you cannot negotiate differently with your wife. If your sons and your relationship with them is your main concern, quite clearly, then your wife has nothing to lose by ensuring you play a large part in their life. Indeed you will be giving her space and time to re-build her own life by sharing the responsibility. I know this is all very easy for someone sitting at a computer typing away to say to you - but you have to make this happen and I really believe you have a chance to try and make this situation work FOR you rather than against you. Decide what you want out of life. Have fun. Smile again. Don't you think you've served your emotional prison sentence now?
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (10 June 2009):
 I think this is a terrible situation. You went away from home with the best of intentions, to further yourself in your career, and do all you could to look after your family. Your wife has an affair while you are away.There is no easy solution. It is clear to me that your wife has made a choice to continue to see this man. Nothing that you can do will change the way she feels about him. She knows she might be making a huge mistake, but she is prepared to risk everything. If it turns out to be the wrong choice, she will know in her heart. It's the 'not knowing' if she should have tried to make a relationship with this man which eventually would have made her even more miserable than your long absences did. Tell her you love her, and you will be there for her, but make it clear that you were simply looking after your family the best way you could.I would move out to a flat, and agree visiting and sleep over times for the boys with your wife out of court. I wouldn't even mention 'divorce' unless she does. I would hate to think that another man should have input into the upbringing of my sons, even though they can have only one biological father. So I would try to see them as much as possible, and talk to them on the phone every day.The key is to stay calm and positive, stay focused on your sons and career, and wait for your wife to leave you, or come back to you. Don't push her either way. Live YOUR life with your sons, and if she wants to re-join your family emotionally then she will.
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