A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So - I'm in need of male advice/guidence. I was in a 4 year relationship. 2 years or so into it, he had an affar with the 23 year old receptionist at his work. (I am 33 he is 30). We were not doing well, so I took that into consideration and decided to fight for the relationship. After the initial couple months of hell, we had a good winter season. He bought me a beutiful 'promise' ring for Christmas, told me all the time how much he was in love with me b/c of the love I've given him through everything... ect ect. Well, come spring, we grew apart slowly. He lost his job, started sleeping in real late everyday and just seemed depressed. I knew something wasn;t right. The communication came to a hault and I was struggling. He told me over and over it had nothing to do with me. So - about a month ago he broke it off saying he feels he can't give me what I need, he feels he failed me and us. It breaks his heart to think of me with another and knwo he can lose me forever and have to live with that.... the 3 weeks to follow, he called, text, sometimes nice, sometimes weird like accusing me of being out with a guy. It was like he was bi-polar. We hung out a few times, he showed up at my house telling me how much he loves me, that we aree not over, he wants "us" in the end.... Well, one night I left his house and felt the need to look at his cell bill. Sure enough the girls number came up that he cheated with the year before. I freaked out, demanding answers. He wouldn't talk. He actually left his house to go for a ride. I later talked to him at 2:30am and he stated he called her just to see how she was doing. He hasn't seen her, he still feels the same about me as he did when he first saw me, even said he can see me in a wedding dress walking down the isle to him...... well, I chose to contact her direct and low and behold. They had been in contact since June. He was driving out to see her (she's an hour away) 3 times a week. Having sex, obviously, telling her when he looks at her, he sees the end, and alot of other stuff. I confronted him the next morning. Turned into a 6 hour conversation, very spiritual, alot of crying. And he asked me to let him try. He doesn't want to talk to her. He wants us. ect ect. I basically left in a huge state of confusion. We spoke briefly the next coule days... but I decided to persue another oppurtunity and went on a date with an old friend from H.S. That same night, he showed up at my house with a letter saying he has to face the music, that he can't let me try anymore, me being around is a constant reminder of what he's put me through, that all men have a code of conduct and he broke his, there's no coming back from this.... He was taken back a little when I told him I was out with a guy. Regardless, I was so mad! what is he doing???? can anyone help me understand? he ended it a month prior, why did he feel he ahd to drop that letter off? Can he really be going through some sort of dark state of mind? Will he end up back at my door, or is he running back to her? Which I'm told will never work simply cause of the chetaing and lack of trust plus... she is now 24... he's gonna be 31. Just need some input. Do I stand up and keep fighting or let him go? From a man's point of view, is he hurting at all??? Would he say all those things to me if he didn;t mean them??? Help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): not a man but doesn't take a male genius mind to realise that this man is playing you.
what is there to keep fighting for? if you guys had "something special", a deep love then maybe fight until the end. he cheated in the past, cheated again and will continuously cheat.
you owe it to yourself to move on from this serial faker. he moved your world with fake words. fake sense of morality and fake fidelity. he did the same with his other lover.
this man will string you alnog until the bitter end but why wait for him to end it. he sounds like a major drama queen. stop making excuses for his affair and his behaviour.
you know sometimes we have to take a stand as ask ourselves whether the relationship we are in is really worth it. please re read your post. if you are honest you will admit to yourself that your relationship is over. but if it is, is this such a bad thing. why hold on to someone who is not worth anything. surely you owe it to yourself to go out and find your happiness instead of wasting your precious exitence on this person.
it will take a brave step FOR YOU to end it. why wait for him and allow him this priviledge. he is not worth your tears anymore. he is not worth your time. he is not worth the space on this site. do not settle for hand me downs. move on and start re living your life. if he was worth it i would say fight. but fight for what? him? no way. you can do better.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): Dear anonymous,Okay... guys are very complicated... Here's the deal.Many guys love their sweet sweet girlfriend (wish mine was sweet .. going through stuff myself, but anyways). They hope they never leave them. However, in what I've seen (not done) is that guys that have these sweet girls (usually not sweet themselves, charming yes ... we're hardwired for that)... tend to cheat on them. Why? I'm not sure, but my theory is that subconsciously they know they will be forgiven if they try hard to ask for it. (Note, I'm talking about sweet sweet girls, you Mean Bitches are cheated on a lot less - you have the honor of ruining the lives of sweet guys that sweet girls fantasize about, but don't want)The breakdown:So yes, he loves you, the sweet girl that is all loving and forgiving. He feels bad for what he's put you through, so he has a conscious. He was talking to that girl, because he wasn't talking to you and you weren't talking to him; I don't see that as wrong with that. He lied to you, because he knew you wouldn't like it and it might ruin his chances of getting back. I personally would not have gotten back with someone who cheats on me ... To me, that means they have no respect for me. Unless I'm an asshole to her, treat her like shit, and give her reason to believe I'm seeing someone else. In which case she shouldn't b with me to begin with.I hope I answered your question.-TXM31
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (6 October 2009):
 Well, I'm not a guy, but I don't think you need a set of balls to figure out that this guy is a player and a jerk. Find yourself someone who has a clue about respect for other people and get the happiness you deserve instead of confusion from this moron. Good luck :)
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (5 October 2009):
Here's a male point of view.
This guy clearly doens't know what he wants. He's cheated on you and lied and cheated and lied. I don't think he's in any state for a relationship and I'm not sure he's really worth bothering about anymore. He doesn;t love you enough to commit at all. Better for your heart if you end this mess now and try to find another guy who is sure of himself.
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