A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’m 30 and been married to my husband for 2 years now. We do not have any kids together. To give you a little background, I met him through mutual friends that were also dating. When I first met him, I was not attracted to him. But my friends told me he liked me. I had just gotten out of another relationship, and I enjoyed his company, so we hung out. It was also nice that all our friends were friends. He has many similar interests as me. He’s smart, has a good head on his shoulder, had goals, and had a good education. We started dating and we felt comfortable around each other. I also like that he respects me, and can appreciate a strong smart independent woman. We dated about 4 years and he proposed to me. It was not one of those romantic moments you hear about. I was surprised, and told him I’d think about it. I really didn’t know what to do. I thought he was the ideal husband for me. He had all the qualities I thought a guy should have to be able to take care of me, and grow old with me. And I understood it was hard to find someone that you can get along with so well. But I couldn’t help thinking that I was also settling. I felt like my internal clock was going off, and there was a ton of pressure from my parents to get married. Yet, I knew something was lacking in our relationship. I loved him, but it was not an intense passionate love I felt like I should have with the person I was going to marry. I never really felt physically attracted to him, or think he’s hot or good looking. I let my logical side decide for me and here we are two years later. I have tried to just live my life with him, and be a good wife. I cook and clean, take care of our finances, plan trips, pretty much take care of everything. I don’t mind doing these things, but it has been difficult to be happy around him. More and more now, I cannot stand him touching me. I don’t have any desire to get intimate with him. And I know it’s not because of a low libido on my part. I don’t have a problem living with him, but I feel like he is more like a roommate than a husband. Should I just appreciate what I have? I know it’s hard to find someone you get along well with and I know he loves me a lot. But I’m not happy. Should I risk my marriage in the hopes of finding happiness with someone else, even though he may not exist, or treat me as well. I don’t know what to do. Please help!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): Hiya, it's funny to tell you that over 2 months ago i read your post and considered my situation. Btw we've been together for 10 months now. Somehow i quite decided to say "no" to his proposal since i'd felt passionate when i was with him. Or frankly i didn't want him at all. That's the fact causes people to consider if they want to stick with that person for the rest of your life or not.
My fella is not good-looking. Well to be honest, i considered himself has a nice smile and deep-looking eyes. However it wasn't enough for me to feel i want him and even be willing to strip his clothes off. But i didn't want to give up on him coz simply he's a good guy and he's treated me so well.
Time after time, for everything he's done for me as well as i've slowly gone through. I suddenly fell for him for no reason. So i've started wearing his ring on my necklace and waiting to answer him on the new year eve when we'll be on the trip.
Life comes magically unpredictable. Don't rush yourself. Don't pressure yourself. Don't think he's a good man and you have to stick with him. Just like the old days, the days you'd just met, enjoy your time together and see what will happen. Give it more time and especially give it a chance and a try.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (9 October 2010):
Hi again. I can't remember whether I have said this before, but it does sound like a rebound relationship, because you said that you had just finished another relationship - when you first met.
It might have been better to just remain friends than to have got married.
What matters most, is what do you really want?
The pair of you really need to talk about this. None of us can help you make that decision. The talk really needs to be with him, and him alone.
For instance, you don't know how he feels either. Perhaps he misses the passion also. You really need to talk about your feelings as soon as possible. Don't leave it any longer.
You will hear as many different opinions as there are people. Then all that happens, will be that you feel completely confused.
Most important of all, you have to do what feels right for you. But before making any decision, you first must talk. You both need to know where you stand. And unless you do talk, you will never know - you will just make assumptions.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010): Hi there,
I think you need to stay with this guy. I hear you when you say you want passionate feelings of being in love with your husband, buteven those feelings fade after awhile of being together. Marriage is a partnership of compatibility on many levels, not just the sexual level.
When I met my husband I was not physically attracted to him but he adored me and I was so sick of chasing all the passionate heart breakers in my life so I continued to date him. I grew to love him and adore him too and he's the one man my family approves of and he's wonderfully hard working. I could have never picked such a good guy if I let my passion rule my head. I'm telling telling you from my experience that you think you have a good man, I'd stay with him if I were you. Have you considered maybe there are other reasons why you are turned off sexually? Other anger issues? Depression?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the responses. I have not been able to discuss my problem with anyone else, so it’s really nice to hear opinions from other people, besides the ones in my head! Perhaps I did make a poor decision when I decided to get married to my husband. I guess you can say I was selfish and immature, or just naive. But I saw a man that treated me well, and I thought I could live happily ever after with him. Even though I was aware that I did not have those strong sensual passionate feelings towards him, I thought with everything else we had going good for us, I’d be able to overcome that. When I made the decision to marry him, I really thought it would be forever and I did love him. And even after our marriage, I try to do whatever I can to keep him happy. And as I’ve mentioned, we get along very well… most of the time. But more and more I’ve come to feel, and even thinking back to the beginning, that this love I have for him is more of a caring, companion-ate love. I know nothing is perfect, and maybe this is as good as it gets for me in this union. We don’t fight much, and we are able to make things work. I just never have the desire to have sex with him (even though I do to please him). Maybe I should be able to live with that and stop thinking the grass is greener, because it probably isn’t.
But then sometimes I think, don’t I deserve better? Don’t I deserve to be happy? I see other guys and think how attractive and hot they are, and imagine being with someone that I actually want. And if I were with them, I imagine that we’d be able to overcome many differences even if we didn’t get along as well, just because I’d want to try harder to work on it because I’d feel more passionate towards them.
I feel like such a terrible person.. but I couldn’t predict this would happen. I just know I have been feeling very lost and confused and not happy. I don’t take divorce lightly, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. I probably sound like a broken record by now and I know the ultimate decision is up to me, but I do appreciate all the feedback I receive. I’m looking for advice from readers who have been in my shoes and felt the same way I do. What did you end up doing? Are you happy with your decision or do you regret it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): I'm the one who told you in another answer that you'd be a fool to lose him... I think I found an article that might be helpful to you... it explains it a lot better than I could...http://www.soulmateoracle.com/article/about-soulmates.html
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): Your husband sounds like a very decent human being? Do you love him, because if you do then leaving him you will regret it? If its just you're not in love with him, that in love feeling comes and goes.... but if you don't think you can stay in this marriage without betraying him or breaking his heart, then leave him now, for his sake... He sounds like a good person, like someone who deserves a whole heck of a lot more than you seem to have to give him... Personally, I think you sound (according to how you wrote) a bit emotionally immature. You have some fancy grand image in your head about what love is supposed to be like. Love is not like a fairy tale, relationships are hard work, like everything else in life, you can't neglect it and expect it to fluorish. When's the last time you ever told him you loved him, or he told you? Went on a date together? Laughed together? Seek out ways to do things that bond you. You would be an absolute fool to lose this man.
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reader, sweetkisses-143 +, writes (7 October 2010):
 Marriage it about being in love with the one person you can't live without. If you don;t feel that way then it wasn't really a marriage to begin with. It was more like a partnership. You'll never know if there is someone who rocks your world out there if you don't try. Good luck hunny in whatever you decide.
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reader, Plexi  +, writes (7 October 2010):
 What I hear from this letter is.....I am very confused, here are a lot of reasons why I should leave but I feel bad so I need someone to give me the courage to leave or make me feel bad enough to just stay. You do not seem confused because you have a deep connection with him and because there is or even was some great love between you two. I can relate to the feeling of him being just a roommate because I have experienced this as well and it it awful and it will only get worse. Every day you guys will grow further apart, soon you will have little or nothing in common and either you will resent him or he will resent you. You may want to consider some counseling! if if you really want out then just set him and yourself free sooner then later. You are still young and still have time to find your real soul mate and same for him. I agree with Big T203. Don't string him along if you feel nothing more then friendship for this guy!
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reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (6 October 2010):
Hi there. It's always important in life to "Follow Your Heart". You felt at the time that the intensity and passion wasn't there, but allowed the logical side of your thinking to drive you, plus what your parents were saying.
Unfortunately now, what your heart was telling you back then, was really the truth. What our hearts tell us, is ALWAYS the truth. It's our intuition trying to tell us so.
You can't pretend to feel something that you don't actually feel. What you are doing now, is living a complete lie.
You have to be completely honest with yourself and then him - once you decide what to do. Don't leave it too long, and don't allow yourself to fall pregnant either. You are definitely not in the right place in your life or in your marriage to start a family. Because of how you feel, if you were to fall pregnant, you would feel completely trapped. You are already unhappy by the choice you made 2 years ago, without any further complications. You don't need that now. So be very careful to avoid pregnancy now at all costs. Just don't go down that path at all.
Another thing about having children, many couples make the big mistake of having a baby to bring them closer together. The truth is, if there were problems before, once a baby comes along, it just exacerbates things. A baby can't magically create genuine love between you, where it didn't exist before.
Although it's a wonderful thing to become a family, it's not ok to have a family with someone you don't love. You are still young enough to have children with someone you genuinely do love. You are right, you did just settle for.
I normally wouldn't avocate that a person simply give up on a relationship without trying to work things out. However, because of how you both got together and the fact that you said you had doubts back then about not feeling how you should, for you to even consider marriage, I don't believe that it's magically going to move in that direction now. Because it already seems that at some level, you have made up your mind that it's just not right the way it is. And to continue in this way, would be wrong and not in the best interests of all concerned.
It's always best to do what feels right (in your heart), like I was saying earlier. Don't go by what other people think you should do (your parents' pressure for you to get married).
If something doesn't feel right, and you always know when that is - it's instinctive, a gut feeling. You just know when everything feels good and when it doesn't - like something is missing. The "missing" bit, is the real issue in your situation.
The longer you try to just tolerate this feeling, the more you going to carry resentment and in the end, get to the point where you simply hate each other. This can all be avoided entirely, by just having a heart to heart conversation. He's probably not even aware that you feel the way you do, so this discussion is going to have to be initiated by you. Sooner rather than later.
When you do, just be open and honest, and it's also very important that you remain calm, and be kind and respectful as well. You have to tell him exactly how you are feeling and how you have felt right from the beginning. You cannot lie about any of this. And whatever you do, don't get angry or upset or start to argue. You both need this talk to be done in a calm environment. It's possible that he feels the same way, but is just hoping that it will all work itself out - without doing anything. But, you DO need to do something. Just don't wait too long.
Hope this is helpful to you. Take care and best wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010): I can tell you from experience this won't get any better. If you don't have the sexual attraction now you will never get it. Please don't have children and complicate the whole thing as the stresses of family will only intensify the problem. Sit down and talk with your husband, maybe get counselling. Only you can decide if you want to continue your life this way I can't see things improving on the chemistry side with how they started. I think sometimes we underrate the importance of the sexual side of marriage, seems that is where we all come undone in the end. if it ain't good at the start?? I know I will be asking my kids before they get married this question "Okay, sweety don't answer this to me but to yourself Do you think your partner is hot, do you have a great time in bed, do you have any issues with your sexual relationship, if you do rethink this, and maybe even get some counselling before getting married to fix anything". If those intense feelings aren't there at the start they could never be re-ignited down the track when the going gets tough in the marriage. Settling is settling and only you can decide if in 20 years time you are happy with that. The other options are of course another relationship, or of course still on your own but not with a partner who you feel you have to fake it with creating all new stresses.
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reader, Big T203 +, writes (6 October 2010):
I think your marriage was done before it began. Believe it or not marriage is a BIG DEAL and one should not do so because someone contains attributes so they can take care of you and because of pressure. you should only have married only if you were 100% sure and madly in love. I think your being very selfish stringing him along because its convenient for you , when he can find his better match if its not you. I think you need to just end the marriage before you start looking outside of it for comfort. Because it sounds to me like he's a victim and doesn't even know it yet , so spare him even more pain and do it sooner than later.
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