A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:[Mod Note: OP's own title]So my girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for about 6 months. WE love each other. We've introduced each other to our families and we're talking long term relationship stuff.HOwever, I don't know if I respect my girlfriend. She's had a wild past as have I. I've probably had a wilder past. So I can't hold it against her, and I don't...I just have these thoughts. So for example, last week we got into an arugment, we tried making up, we had sex, and I didn't feel any better afterwards, but we had sex and it was good. I was still upset afterwords about our arugment. She tell me that she thinks I used her for sex. Which I did, but she was mad about it, and all I could think was..."Every other guy you've slept with used you for sex, why are you mad at me".....and it's true...and she knows it. She says that she was only with guys that she saw herself in a relationship with but she's had flings, and everything which is fine, but then she tells me I was different. I was no different, and when I met her, I saw her as a sex object as well. It was too easy. I just ended up liking her more than other girls I've been with...so we started to dateShe tell me I have to care about her parents perception of our relationship, because she's theyr're last child etc....and she went off and slept with all sorts of dudes regardless of what her parents thought...so why should I have to be any differentI guess the thought of her wanting more respect that she's has NOT gotten before from her past life bothers me....why am I any different, I see her as the same way I see all the other women I've been with. A sex object....well a girlfriend and a sex object. Is this healthy....I'm very kind to her and respect her a lot in person, but it just bugs me in the back of my mind...what is it that bothers me....I really don't know.... I guess she was kind of tramp and now I'm put to different standards than she's settled for before......why does that bother me so much.....I don't know, I'm a good person, really trying to make an effort, but these thoughts are killing me.....
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female
reader, romany  +, writes (18 June 2010):
 Hi,
I just seen this, and I thought of you, it may help you realise that it is possible your negative thoughts are cutting your nose off to spite your face.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-wifes-sexual-past-that-i-didnt-know.html
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): A wild past usually means a wild future. No such thing as the past doesnt matter - all people really are is the sum of thier pasts. Not to mention that you may never forget about her wild past.
Dump her and move on.
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A
female
reader, feroshers  +, writes (17 June 2010):
You're wondering why you should respect your girlfriend?? You call her easy from when you first met her, and then think it's fine to use your girlfriend for sex because other men have?!
You should respect your girlfriend because you love the person she is and because you have chosen to be in a relationship with her.
You seem to view your girlfriend in purely sexual terms. Are you friends? Do you like her? Do you get on well with her? From everything you've said, I don't think you should be going out with this girl, until you learn to respect your partner.
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A
female
reader, LolaCherryCola +, writes (17 June 2010):
A woman exists for a man's pleasure as much as a man exists for a woman's pleasure.If you two are talking long-term, and you want to see her as a girlfriend, then you'd better start living up to being her boyfriend.Or, don't be surprised when she leaves you for someone who DOES respect her.Just because she was a "tramp" before (which, by the way, I bet you anything that she would object to you calling her a tramp -- or anyone, for that matter!) doesn't give you the right to treat her (or anyone!) like a "tramp."And if she wants you to respect her, then you had better respect her! If you don't want to see her as a girlfriend and don't want the long-term stuff, then tell her so. You should still respect her, but at least she'll expect the disappointment when you don't give her the respect she wants.Basically, if the lady wants someone to respect her, her past doesn't matter. Neither does yours. What matters is the present and the future. If you don't respect her now, you can expect that she won't be giving you her future!
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (17 June 2010):
 2 points here.
1) do you respect yourself? Do you want to be treated respectfully by a girlfriend? if yes u should respect her. your pasts have been the same,so ur not an angel either.
2) the answer to WHY is because deep down ur a traditional man,and even though u've been with trumps,u want the lady of ur life to be pure.its the common "whore/virgin" syndrome men have. Men want to do EVERYTHING with a "whore" yet they want to marry a "virgin". Grow up.
Just because she was young and wild doesnt mean she cant be matture. She sees YOU as a different phase of her life and thats why she expects respect. She didnt care if the other dudes respected her because she was just using them.
Now,I really dont get why couples discuss their sexual pasts. ITS ONLY HURTFUL.
I was dating a basketball player last year.I assume he has slept with hundred of girls and particulary groupies. I never asked him a number and never asked about his sexual past either. A nice quote is "dont ask something if the answer is going to hurt u". As long as he treated me the way I wanted to be treated,I was good.
STOP INTERROGATING YOUR PARTNER ABOUT THEIR SEXUAL PAST PEOPLE!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2010): maybe you should also see it this way. How are you deserving of her respect if your past was similar? And why should she respect you if you do not respect her? The past is the past. You cannot change it. You either accept it and stop feeling as tho she doesnt deserve a guys respect, or you dont and you should leave her. She deserves someone who can know everything about her and love her unconditionally, just as you deserve the same. If you cant do that for her, then that is not only unfair, but also hypocritical.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I got the femminists really upset...haha. Look, all I'm saying is why should I be expected to respect her more than any other man has in the past (which is none)....
and the thing is that I do...I just harbor these feelings...that's all...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2010): I was in the same boat. My ex-girlfriend had a wild past. She lost her virginity at the age of 16 in high school. Around that time I was 22 trying to rescue the princess in Super Mario Brothers. I've only had 2 sexual partners before her, but they were both 4 or 5 year relationships. She vomited a number when we first started dating (19). At first I didn't mind because... well what can I do about it? But then she started going into details of her encounters. She told me things I only imagined a crack addicted prostitute doing. Gang bangs, one night stands, sex on camera, etc. And I thought, "wow when I was that age I was more concerned with baseball cards and thinking up excuses why I can't mow the lawn for my parents."
I figured if she didn't respect herself, or all the random guys she put out for didn't respect her, why all of a sudden should I be expected to respect her? Am I just the next in line? In my mind, every time she spread her legs for a stranger, it was a slap in the face of the person she settles down with. I eventually decided I would not be able to swallow marrying everyone else's good time, so I informed her that we should part.
Call me picky, or call me a jerk, but everyone has to decide what they are willing to settle for. I'm sure I can do better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou know quit echo...you're probably right....but why....is the question...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2010): Water seeks it's own level. You two are one and the same, you both are cavalier about sex and repecting the opposite sex.
What you find irritating in her is present in your self.
You both seem to be equals in intelligence levels, moral standards and responsibility and maturity. If you don't like her attitudes about men and sex and you admit you feeel the same way, perhaps you find your own behavior and attitudes lacking.
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A
female
reader, romany +, writes (17 June 2010):
my goodness, you've made some right old mountains out of molehills aintcha.
1stly, thank god she has had some experience with guys, otherwise she'd not be able to see what is so special bout you, as you obviously dont know either, I think that your disrespect towards other girls in the past, was just mirroring your low self esteem, The fact that you as a man saw sex and conquest when you first met her, is really quite normal, us girls are a little different, and very few girls think, hmmmm sex and conquest, coz altho sex is important, most of us dont get involved in relatonships for sex. If she says she saw something in you that she cant explain, its because she felt it in her heart/gut or whatever, unlike you, she was not being ruled by her genitals when you 1st met, so I believe her.
I do think for someone of 30-35, your immature, and personally I think she is far too good for the sh*t your given her, if you think you can go out and meet someone like her, that makes you feel the way you do when your not analysing everything, that is chaste, pure and unconquered by even a kiss, then good luck to ya, she likes you, she's given you a clean slate despite your wild ways previously, be honoured that out of all the frogs she kissed, shes picked you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2010): You think it's okay to use a woman for sex? i'm sorry, but yeah there's something wrong with that! Wow you must really have torn her apart, she decided that she likes you and wanted to be committed, an ou just blow it in her face saying that you've always been used for sex, so it's always going to be like that? I'm disgusted and don't even want to write anymore on this topic. Leave her so she cn find a good guy that will treat her how she should be treated in a relationship, and I hope you decide to change your aspects on women before ever trying a relationship again because you wil hurt and destroy so many people if not. Poor girl...
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