A
female
age
30-35,
*awii
writes:I am 26 years old and I know there is nothing wrong with me ,but for some reason men who are in a relationship always find there away to me . It’s not that I look desperate or something I am no longer doing online dating etc or looking for a relationship.Like meeting new ppl in person I am a work oriented hard working women , I take myself out, or if they is no COVID situation I hang around with my friends and family I travel etc, I enjoy my quite time to cause I know who I am and don’t need ppl to tell me that But when it comes to dating I tend to have bad luck said my therapist, even when I am not looking for something seriously I always meet men who are in a relationship which I always find out at the end.Sometimes I noticed the flags on the first date and I walk out etc why the not honest don’t know Sometimes I feel like being a free independent woman who has her tings going on ,attracts men who would like to feel free ,or don’t know what they want out of life Since I know men mostly look for something they don’t even know them self ,which is a results of them being confused or something I tend to detach myself from a lot of men because they all mostly turn out not knowing who they are ,or what they want So what’s with men this days ,life style ,as well as relationships have changed over the past 50 years I would say How can I stop myself being A side girl or be taken really seriously Reply to this Question
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male
reader, kenny  +, writes (30 December 2020):
 I think that you have just had a run of bad luck with guys.
I know its hard, makes you feel like you want to give up dating all together. But don't be disheartened, yes you have been messed around, been lied too. But you have to be strong, pick yourself up, dust yourself down, and think to yourself that maybe you had a lucky escape.
Its good that you can go on a date and notice the red flags, and can then walk away.
Maybe take a step back from dating for a while and work on you, give yourself some self love. Write a list of what you are looking for in a guy, the attributes that you require. See this list often and envisage yourself in this perfect relationship.
Do some things that you love, start a class, a walking group where other like minded people will share a common interest.
The right guy in out there waiting for you somewhere, and you will more than likely cross paths when you least expect it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2020): I know this is going to sound harsh. But since you seem to be a magnet to these type of men - I would firstly consider my own actions.
I know plenty of women in your situation who attract men in relationships, liars, cheaters and men who only use them for sex and then get bored. They don’t understand why nice decent men don’t approach them.
In reality and from an outsiders point - you can see why. They dress provocatively, outrageously flirt with every man, sleep around and ignore red flags all to hide their low self esteem. They come across as desperate, weak and clingy. This attracts scumbag men who can see their insecurities and knows they can get what they want. Decent men looking for a serious relationship will avoid these women as they know they wouldn’t be able to trust these women/settle down with these women. These women will then blame all men for their problems with relationships, call all men scumbags - as it’s easier then looking at their own actions. They don’t want to admit fault.
I know this isn’t going to be a popular opinion. People may say people shouldn’t change for anyone including these women and men shouldn’t see women like that. Or that it’s stereotypical or judgmental. Which I agree. But unfortunately to me this is the reality. Some men do think that of women and some women do act like that and refuse to see their own behaviour. Rightly or wrongly so.
Being independent and free doesn’t mean you don’t have insecurities that can be abused by men like that. I also know loads of free and independent women who don’t attract these men. They attract nice, decent men looking for relationships. So I doubt it’s your independence that attracts these men.
Maybe you aren’t like these women and maybe you don’t act like that. But you keep attracting these men. You must be doing something to make them attracted to you. To make them feel like you will let them get away with being a side piece. They may see you as weak somehow. You may come across as a push over/too nice/and desperate even if you aren’t - you may be coming across as you are.
It is true that men don’t seem to know what they want. They could like the fact that you are independent. But when they date you, they may realise they don’t want that in a partner. That’s dating unfortunately. You date and find out what works for you and what doesn’t. Some people like the idea of something more than the reality. But that’s not just men - that’s women too. That’s why you date - to see if your compatible. People have a harder time understanding their emotions and feelings. If somethings missing in a relationship - sometimes people don’t even know what it is. It’s just something missing that we can’t explain. We probably know it subconsciously but can’t recognise it outwardly. It leaves people confused and makes people have no idea what they want. They thought they wanted one thing and so can’t accept that that’s not what they actually want. Then there’s the argument of what men are ‘suppose’ to want in a partner compared to what they actually want. Everyone wants different things and that’s ok.
Your options here are to either be yourself and own it. Eventually you will attract a decent man - trust me. You just need to weed out all the scumbags. Or you look into your behaviour and what you think may be attracting these men and work on it a little. I’m not saying to change yourself but tone things down/work on things a little to make these men not dare approach you.
At the end of the day it’s something you are doing that is attracting these men. You just need to figure that out. As we don’t know you we can’t really help with that bit. But then it could just be bad luck. If that is the case then just keep going. You will date more people not right for you then you will that are right for you.
Good luck op
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 December 2020):
 Why do you end up being the side-chick?
If WE all knew that answer, so would you.
There can be a lot of things, the kind of guy you generally go for, the "type". You might guy with a (superficial) charm (don't we all?) who talks a good game. Who seems successful. You can add on what you think are some of the common traits you have liked in guys who turned out to be "duds".
It might also be how and where you have met them.
And lastly, it might NOT be YOU at all. Consider that. Though I DO think people who have their stuff together, who seems confident and "free" to do as they please - DO attracts ALL sorts, unfortunately not just the good ones.
My advice? Don't get emotionally or physically attached until you have a better sense of the guy. Which could take a good 4-6 months of dates - I would presume that you can reallllllllly know a guy from talking and texting. And then there is the sleuthing. Yes, it sounds ridiculous to check out your potential partner by vetting him online (in a sense) but... it might make life a LOT easier.
You seem to know WHAT to do if they seem to LIE to you. And you DO see the red flags and walk away. BOTH are good. But it might also mean you see a larger number of men who are "no good".
Most people are on social media, and a LOT of them. Who they "follow" and what they post can tell you a LOT about them, not all true though... as some people like to like a very curated online life. Even that, can be gleaned fairly easily. So if you meet someone, check them out. If you have gone on several dates - let's say 4 months worth or so, and nothing has popped up (as far as another woman, kids or big lies) then maybe he is who he says he is.
A friend of my BIL was dating a "divorced" guy for 6 months and then felt ok, he could be a good one, so she did a background check because something she couldn't put her finger on kept popping up. Guess what? He was still married. Had been married 3 times (not just once as he told her). She dropped him then and there. He hid a WIFE! for 6 months. He lied about 2 other marriages. And he was OBVIOUSLY cheating on his wife. Or wanting to.
I think yo are right that a lot of people don't know what they want in a partner. We all know the basics, but that is about it. SO, maybe you also need to define what YOU are looking for (to yourself).
There are no guarantees in life. Except for birth, death and taxes.
Take it slow when you meet someone. If they are JUST looking to hook up they are not going to stick around. If they have a partner already, they will have kinda off phone habits ( like only texting after 6 pm) will call during work hours, not introduce you to close friend or family. Claim to not have social media, but actually HAVE a ton of them.
There is nothing WRONG with you. You have just had a bad streak of guys.
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