A
female
age
36-40,
*mbrosia44
writes:I am a 24 year old, I have been married for just over 2 years and in a relationship with my husband for just over 7 years. We dated young and married young, but we were both experienced sexually with others. What I mean to say is that we weren’t each other’s firsts or fifths. While we were dating, when I was 17 and he was 18, he was kicked out of his house and came to live with me. We had an active sex life and were really into one another. About 2 years after he came to live with me, I found out that my computer had a virus… downloaded from a porn site. I confronted him, I asked him if this was a thing that had been happening for a long time, or if it was a recently discovered habit. He explained to me that he had looked and watched porn for a long time, and had just hid it from me. I told him that this made me uncomfortable and that I would appreciate it if he did his business in the shower and was intimate with me. He complied for a while. 6 months or so later, I found porn on my computer again. At this time, we had both started college and our sex life was less and less due to our studies. Again, I confronted him. I asked him if he was addicted to porn, and if he thought he could really stop. I also asked him if this was one of the reasons we weren’t having sex. He said that the sex thing was due to school, and that he would stop looking at porn on MY computer. This conversation went on almost every 6 months until 4 years into our relationship, always with the same results. In 2006, there had been no talk or sight of porn, our relationship was great, sex was consistent and great, so we decided to go and get married. After our marriage, things were the same for a while. Then one day, I noticed my pictures were changed on my computer. Come to find out, he was not looking at porn, just taking pictures of my friends and zooming in on their chests and crotches to get off. I found this disturbing and more of a turn off then pornography. Again, the confrontation. I told him this was a violation of my trust and that it caused me to not want to hang out with my friends around him (because now I know who he was attracted to). He cried and sobbed, and begged for forgiveness. And again I forgave him. This was about a year after getting married. After this discovery on my part, I now find myself no longer attracted to my husband, constantly checking one him, not going out with groups, and not generally happy. Nothing happened porn wise until this January. He got a laptop for school (before this, we only had one desktop). I check his history and pictures constantly, I cannot trust him. He does not know that I have been looking into his laptop, and I have yet to confront him this time. In January, not only did I find porn, sites accessed almost daily, but I found photos of MY friends again. I don’t know what to do. I cry in private. I think that if I confront him AGAIN I will get the same old song and dance, only to cry 6 months—a year—later. If I am to avoid this, do I quit marriage? Do I confront again then quit? The fact that I am even considering quitting makes me cry, I love my husband, he is a good guy… but this constant lying and repetition kills me. I cannot trust him, I have even avoided sex with him since January, this whole situation makes me sick and frankly I don’t want to have sex with him. I feel that I have faked it for at least a year, and now I am not even interested. What stock can I place with my marriage if I cannot place any in him? Advice.
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addicted to porn, no longer attracted, porn, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, ambrosia44 +, writes (5 November 2009):
ambrosia44 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, his promises are bull shit and I am getting a divorce.
A
female
reader, loving arms  +, writes (4 April 2009):
Ambrosia, having just read back through your original posting plus all the responses plus yours i think it might be a great idea to log onto this website and let him read what you have written and read the responses from all the aunts. Then wait for his response.
I can undrstand fully how you feel and i think its a shame that he has gone back on his word so often. It makes it very difficult for you to move forward feeling he will change only for a time. Then it will be back to his old ways.
I like that you really want to fight for your marriage and i hope your man will read these postings and seek the help to change things. If you guys cannot pull it together at least you know you tried. Good luck I wish you happiness xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2009): It's time he admits he has a problem, and seeks help! You can't fix him, but you can give him an ultimatum!
Don't feel guilty for checking out his laptop...you have good reason too. He has not proven himself trustworthy. If he is not willing to get help, I suggest you think about your alternatives! You can't help him but you can help yourself!
Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (8 March 2009):
 And you got married, WHY? I recently spoke with someone who just got divorced. She said, thinking back there were warning signs of what she should not have gotten married.
Seeing porn is an issue to you, but not to him. It being an issue with you makes it a marital issue.
Have you looked into marital counsel, or personal counseling for his desire.
Instead of just quitting, I'd let him know why. Remember, you knew about his viewing inappropriate material before you got married. So it wasn't that big of a deal to go ahead and say "I do"
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A
female
reader, ambrosia44 +, writes (8 March 2009):
ambrosia44 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am thinking al of these things in my head. Lies and mistrust vs love and marriage.
The thing, Arms (lol), is that I am a feminist, and he KNEW it before he ever dated me. I do not agree with porn, and that was totally clear and never hidden by me, even at 17. I DID NOT ask him to change, I asked him to be the man he portrayed to me. So now I am thinking that everything was based on his original lie to me.
The thing with my fiends discusses me! I don’t even hang out with them anymore because I think of what he thinks of them…the weird thing is that some of the pictures are of girls who he adamantly does not like, as a person, not sexually (or at least he tells me this)
I want this to work, and I think that I have tried to make it work. I am tired, but I don’t want to up and quit. It is an emotional up hill battle, but I feel like I am the only one making it. I feel like effort is made by me to reach out to him, to confront him, to check up on him. I put on the façade that everything is ok, while he gets to go on doing whatever he pleases.
I think that marriage is a two way street, I never expected him to change, and I don’t think that it is right to expect me to change how I feel about porn. I feel that I was open and honest and now I am the one being punished for believing him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2009): if it was me... i'd pack my things.. i'd tell him what u have seen, telling him how u feel, and i'd then leave.. telling him until he realises the hurt he's causing u, you will not be with him.. let us no how it all goes xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2009): Well it sounds like you have answered your own question. If you cant trust him, how are you supposed to build a life together? The question you have to ask yourself is do you WANT to make it work? It sounds like he may have an addiction or something along those lines. So if you want to try then maybe consider counseling, with someone who specializes in this area. What to do with your marriage is not an easy decision, I wish you the best and keep me posted.
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A
female
reader, loving arms +, writes (8 March 2009):
In all other respects he's a great guy? The porn is a big issue for you but, should he really give it up because you don't like it? Maybe on this issue you should respect that as individuals we don't always agree with each other. We do not always have to bend to please someone else.In the same respect if you were doing something he did not really like but you do, why should you change it? Accept that this is him and love him as he is, or, leave him because it's unfair to make him into someone he is not, just to please you.Now the other matter, photos of friends. Were these new photos or the same old ones? or is he up to his tricks again? This is more complicated as he is invading someone elses privacy and showing total lack of respect for you and your friends. I think it's time you have a heart to heart. Maybe allow the porn but refuse to have sneaky photos of others taken. Let him know this is his very last chance and mean it. I hope he will listen as apart from this you seem to be happy. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Dr. Reality Check +, writes (8 March 2009):
 I have a friend who was in this type of relationship. Trust me, you will be a lot happier when it's over - relationships cannot be built on lies and mistrust.
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