A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been in some real shitty relationships since I was about 17. I was always the 'untouchable' hottie who everyone thought was gorgeous but never got a chance with. I got real sick and started to finally date this older guy who at the time was my prince charming. We moved in together after I graduated high school and was going to college. Prince charming turned into an emotional and physical abusive guy. Not to mention he was a heavy drinker. Anyways I got away from him to only get with a guy who was terribly into pills and emotionally destroyed me. Two guys I gave my all to and was torn down. I started to date we will call him Bill after taking awhile to regain myself and time to heal. Only to find out Bill was an alcoholic once I was already attached and moved in with him. I tried to make it work but between his disease and hunting he wasn't there emotionally for me. I contacted a friend we will call him James for emotional support someone to talk to. Someone who was interested in the same things as me to escape my reality I was facing at home. James has always been there for me since the pill guy. One thing led to another and James and my relationship turned into us being gf bf outside of my other relationship. Well it all came out and both guys forgave me and wanted to work things out with me. I out of panic told Bill I would stay with him. James moved away and contacted me wanting me to move with him. Bill is who my family always thought of me being with a working hilbilly. But he just isnt there emotionally or physically for me. My heart is attached to him. Although I know he will never change. He has these set of friends that despise me and he allows them to say crude things when drinking and he will even say crude things. Constantly bringing up how i need to just go be with james when i never even mention james to him. James on the other hand comes from a family much like mine. His uncle and my dad were actually friends in highschool. James is completely emotionally and physically there for me. But who do i pick and how do i go about it? Do i stay with bill who my parents think i should stay with and live an okay life. Or do i pick who will make me happiest and just up and leave one day to be with him and start over fresh knowing i will be disowned and disappoint everyone behind?
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (13 March 2012):
Please please leave Bill. He's is horrible to you 24/7. If you leave right now, it'll be the best thing to happen to you AND him because then he may finally get that nudge to get his act back together. But even if it doesn't (because let's face it, many alcoholics do not clean up...ever) at least one of you has gotten out of this cycle of misery.
Again, he is NOT your responsibility. I know you are torn, I know you are a good person that wants to help others, but you are not helping him by staying with him. Let me illustrate:
My uncle was an alcoholic for 20 years. His wife tried to help him and basically became caretaker along with being his verbal punching bag. She wasted 7 years of her life and every time she thought it was going to be better it didn't. Then one day, she had enough and left.
My uncle was distraught. Begged her to come back. She didn't. And that's when he started cleaning himself up. She is living a happy life with someone else now. He is living a good life with his new wife, whom he married 5 years after she left. So in short, there may be hope for Bill. But not while you are still catering to his wishes, being his puppet. If you want to be a tool in his path to recovery, jolt him awake by permanently leaving him. Sometimes you must be strong and hard to make a positive change. Being soft and eager to please does not always equal doing the right thing.
So for once in your life, make a decision that is good for YOU. If this was not happening to you, but to one of your best friends, would you tell them to stay? Would you tell them to become a better gf to their abusive alcoholic of a boyfriend? Or would you tell them to get the hell out of there? Be honest with yourself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): Leave Bill and stop spending time with him. You don't have to babysit and its a choice to be happy so he choses to be unhappy. why put up with that garbage?
Walk already Honey and keep goig to AlNon for support for YOU.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE: "james" is thinking about signing up to go into the navy dive school. he already is certified as a underwater welder/diver. thats the reason he moved out of the state was for a better job. he still asks me to move with him. He knows i am still with bill and trying to work on either becoming a better gf or leaving. baby steps during this confusing period. Bill has been throwing temper tantrums about everything. this weekend i really tried to please him. offered to go with him shed hunting or fishing. he said i want to do something u would enjoy so i told him lets go see a movie he asked what movie i wanted to see i said the vow he threw a fit and said he didnt want to watch that. i said then lets watch a movie you want to watch. he got pissy with me and said no. so we ended up not seeing a movie and him falling asleep at 7pm like usual. idk what else i can do to make it so i can have a day without conflict with him. During the AA meeting the supporters said that when an alcoholic isnt drinking they have mood disorders. causing them to yell and be easily frustrated about anything. its simply just making me angry inside.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (9 March 2012):
That's great OP! I'm sure that if you stick with this you will get the happiness you want. Please keep us updated on how things are going!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): ALRIGHT! :D *thumbs* About time you put yourself first. Rooting for you!
xoxo
Chalice
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for the support =) I have enrolled in going to aa meetings not for him but for myself. to learn how to distant myself the proper way without regrets. because you are correct about ive been trying to fill the void of being a caretaker from always having to take care of others. im ready to start taking care of myself. with the right support from people away from my family (who tries to be good but just arent helpful to me) i know i will be able to get on the right track and be able to start fresh somewhere away from all the chaos and finally focus on taking care of my own happiness =)
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (8 March 2012):
Pitying him and staying for him is the worst thing you can do for him. You are in a way enabling his destructive behavior because you attempt to be his safety net. This does not motivate him to change, it only assures him that he can keep screwing up. A saying in my country, freely translated goes like this: lenient generals create weak soldiers.
You are not responsible for him. He is an adult. He is fully responsible for his own actions and mistakes, noone else. Do not take that away from him and do not burden yourself with his problems, because your own life is enough. I do not mean to be harsh. I fully understand why you feel this way--I used to feel this way towards my autistic brother. I protected him from everything, did everything, waved away his tempers, blamed it on his autism. I was undermining his potential and independence. People need to fall to pick themselves up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): You are not Bills caretaker. You are not his Mom. See, your relationship with your Mom, being her Caretaker, now has you seeking relationships where you still fulfill that role by taking care of someone such as Bill. Damage done.
Break the cycle, end it with Bill. Move away. Secure a job.THEN, make room for some romance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI already do take care of myself. I work 40 hours a week and currently on a break from school because working 40 hours a week and going to school 20 hours afterwards wore me out. Not to mention paying for school myself was a huge stress trying to pay other bills. I am fully aware of the emotional abuse and what it can do to a person and I am very capable of leaving it on the surface. I have seen a therapist for the last 3 years of my life to learn how to manage anxiety. Through those 3 years I have learned how to just brush things off. The only reason I right this moment am struggling at leaving Bill is because in a way I feel responsible for him. For his actions and I know that even though he is still an alcoholic if I am there he wont die. He will always have someone to help him when he is sick, or drive him home when he is drunk.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (8 March 2012):
Bill is bad news, just like all the other losers you have turned out to be dating. Don't listen to your mom, she obviously has no clue what she's talking about. Bill is addicted to alcohol and this will not change. Him being nice sober does not change that. I would advise getting away from him and relationships in general.
You need to learn to live independently, without boyfriends. If you can build happiness for yourself that way and live a fulfilling life, THEN you can add a relationship to the mix.
Basically you have to look at it like this. Successful and happy relationships are between two people to whom a relationship is the cherry on top of an already tasty dish. Their relationship compliments an already good life, it is not the missing chunk of a puzzle that needs to be completed. Your life needs to become something worth sharing with someone else. Right now you're merely existing, like someone else mentioned. Relationships in this case only drag you down further, as you have noticed.
I would suggest moving away from everyone so you can take a breath of fresh air and do what you want to do. You have already been scarred and damaged by people, you need to heal before you can let someone else into your life romantically. Not just for you, but for them as well. If James is a good guy, he deserves better than starting a relationship with someone who has been emotionally wrecked by her previous boyfriends. Work on yourself, build happiness and for once in your life, choose what YOU want instead of what others want.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): Being a Mother to your Mother is what could be called Emotional Incest which is a form of abuse. Your Mother is an adult and she can care for herself. She just uses you to do her dirty work. So she doesn't have to be accountable.
Do yourself a world of good and move away for a year or so. They can survive without you around and you will become stronger, have more life experiences and gain in self confidence and wisdom.
Life is about living it, and right now you are merely exsisting.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): Drinking til you black out is not knowing your limits. Its a classic sign of alcoholism. He's not a responsible drinker so stop making excuses for Bill.
What you feel for Bill is pity, not love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I do already know the answer to my own question. It just is hard leaving when your heart is still attached or maybe it is the guilt of leaving before I completely knew whether he could be a better man to me. Not to mention everytime I have left Bill cries and promises things that he never sticks through on. And begs me to stay. As for my mother yes it is weird. My theory behind it is I am her rock. My brother and sister are wild and crazy and very irresponsible. My parents still basically take care of them and their families. I have been through depression and battle anxieties on a daily bases but I got help for both on my own. I have been trying to get my mother to get help for hers as well. Due to the face that I am her backbone. I am who she goes to for everything. She has always depended on me for stability even when I myself was not stable I was always there for her. I feel as if me wanting to be so far away would be best for me. I need the fresh air. The amount of stress put on me from my family is nearly unbearable. But would be bad for my mother because she would not have her go to girl there when she needed. It is like James' parents have said to me even if James and I are not together they will always be my family I have been part of their life's since I was 19. So if my parents do disown me at least I know I always have people that will support me behind me. I honestly haven't truly lived my own life yet.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 March 2012):
 You are in your 20's and have your whole life in front of you, there are MORE fish in the sea then these two men!
MORALLY, you parents should want you to find an man who treats you right, who loves you and rep sects you - not because it's geographically more comfortable.
HONEY wake up!
You don't HAVE to chose either men! You can get your own life. Take some time to figure out what YOU want in a man, instead of settling.
CHOOSE YOU!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): So the question your asking is do I stay with the alcoholic abuser who has no respect for me or do I go with the guy who listens to me, respects and cares for me and doesn't abuse me and I actually think I could have a good life with? I think you really know which is the better choice. It's not really up to your parents who you go out with and their reasoning for staying with Bill is bizarre to say the least. If Bills upset about women leaving him for another man then maybe he should do some self evaluation and realise being an alcoholic and verbally abusive and distant isn't a great way to keep a girl. Either go with James or be single for a while is my advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with you on the part of we are turned off by the drinking. My parents have been together for 30years. The first 2 years of their marriage they fought horribly. My mom thinks Bill will grow out of the drinking, but he is 26 and both of his parents are alcoholics his mom I have never seen sober. His dad has a new gf of 14 years and Bill has a half sister with his dad and his gf. Since his sister was conceived his dad hasn't touched a drop of alcohol. But my dad on the other hand grew up with an alcoholic dad. My first boyfriend and I were together for a year and half and engaged before we moved in together and he never showed any signs of alcohol abuse actually he was perfect until we moved in together and he turned 21. As for Bill I knew he had a history of drinking but I spent every day with him for about 7 months before moving in and he never showed any signs of alcoholism until about 4 months after we were living together. I thought it was just a faze and stuck through it. Then I even left. Only to be pushed back here. My heart obviously wanted to help him and loved him. But my brain said don't go back. But having my mom over my shoulder saying he is a great man as long as he is sober have some faith and try to work things out. And then thats when I grew weak and turned to James for an emotional escape. James honestly is more like me. We listen to the same music, enjoy the same activities, and his parents are still together which is a huge plus to me. And as for wanting kids in the future yes thats a huge reason why I feel like I need to leave Bill. Being a woman I want babies but I dont want them with exposed to the drinking. I was never exposed to drinking when I was little and I am not a drinker. Period (prolly why Bill and I don't get along when he drinks) Nor would I want to leave my babies with their grandmother if I had them with Bill due to I have never seen her sober. A part of me will feel awful if something happens to Bill with his drinking once I leave. He does really irresponsible things such as drinking and driving. He also does not know his limits so he drinks till he is blacked out.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 March 2012):
 Yeah but... still scratching my head -
He is still a verbally and emotionally abusive alcoholist, even if closer home. I am surprised that any parents would see him as the ideal partner for their daughter just because of geographic distance.
Isn't it a bit like saying " Sure, your bf is a drug addict, or a compulsive gambler, and he treats you like shit - but he lives downstairs,yey, that's great, so we can always have Sunday dinner together ! "
They are correct when they say that you put yourself into this mess and you have to get yourself out of it - But the best way to do that, would be leaving- with ,or without, James. And, the most moral too, you have moral obligations to yourself too , and to the children you may have in future.
As for poor Bill always being dumped by his gfs, that's really no skin off your nose. Bill has a very simple solution to his problem, he can stop drinking, and stop being abusive, and you'll see that his gfs won't leave him !
Being a parent myself, most of the times I am on the parents side, but this time I must say : do follow your heart and do what you want , your parents 's opinion are peculiar and questionable at least , I don't think they will disown you but if they do ....I don't think you'll miss much this kind of parenting.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): Just wonder what home you came from. The norm of people who date others, is what we are accostumed to. So if we were raised around non alcoholics or survivors of alcoholics- we won't be attracted to that. In fact would be revulsed.
Your rationale is that the Alcoholic is like family reaffirms my suspicions and why maybe Mom and Dad don't want you to be happy.
So why do you care if you are disowned by such parents?
This life is about happiness- not momentary but lasting happiness. You wont have that with an emotionally, verbally abusive ahole such as Hill Billy Bill.
Start anew and move with James, give it a chance. Just always ensure to be financially independant (have a job and money) so no man will be able to push you around.
This way, you have more options should you feel the need to move and move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy parents want me with bill just for the simple fact that he is already established and close to home. They see it as I put myself in this situation so I need to work it out. Try to do what is morally best which would be stay with Bill. Prove to him I can be the girl he always wanted. I need to add that I would be the third girl Bill has been with that has left him for another man.
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female
reader, Blonde68  +, writes (6 March 2012):
I personally think that you need time away from men completely for a while and have some space alone.
The worst thing anyone can do is jump from one relationship to another because it puts a lot of pressure on a new relationship ie with James which make take the shine off things...the reason I say this is because it won't be easy, you will have lots of moments of dealing with Bill and your family that may not be pleasant.
Walk away from Bill if you are not happy and then as things calm down and you are settled, then see if you can build a relationship with James.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 March 2012):
Maybe I got confused ,but this make no sense to me.
Isn't Bill the alcoholist ? The one who your parents see as a hillbilly ?
As far as I know, being called a hillbilly is not such a great compliment . It means that you are ignorant and uncouth . A Lil' Abner. White trash .
So why in the world your parents would insist for you to stay with an alcohol addicted hillbilly, who also calls you crude names ?
Why would they disown you and be disappointed if you leave him to be with James , who not only is not an alcoholist but also comes from a family who's friends with yours ??
I must have got something wrong. Still, I checked your post, it does say that your parents want you to stay with BILL....weird.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 March 2012):
Go with Happy you are FAR to young to settle ! Talk to your parents tell them what is going on and WHY you need to move out on your own. THIS is your life honey and you don't get to get do-overs.
Live life, be happy. And DON'T move in with a guy til you know who he really is. Next time TAKE your time getting to know the guy.
Drop both dudes you can do better. Neither of them are keepers.
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female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (6 March 2012):
 I vote 'be happy'
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