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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Please, I need fast responses. I feel so sick about this, I cant focus on anything else.Quick summary, I was with my ex for almost two years, my first everything, only guy i ever dated. Same went for him. Everything was fine, we never fought and when we did we always made up. One day he broke it off out of the blue with no reason, no other girl no fight nothing. He came crawling back four times after that. He was so conflicted. We cut contact eight months ago. He tried contacting me two months later but I didnt respond. I tried dating other people, but I cant bring myself to feel anything for anyone but him. I sent him an email a week ago asking for an explanation so i can find closure. He responded and wants to see me in person to talk it out. Im reeling right now, I dont understand we he doesnt just want to respond back through email.The break up was explosive, I went through 5 months of therapy, he hurt me so badly. We were going to get engaged this year. I was a complete wreck after it all happened. Im still not over him. Im scared if i meet him to talk about it, it will reopen all the wounds ive been trying to heal, but at the same time if we dont meet i'll never get closure and be able to move on. I've tried everything to move on with out him, nothing works. What should I do? Part of me wants him to see me, and see if he still has feelings for me, but I know it might do more harm to me than good. Also, since the break up he hasnt dated anyone. He refuses to talk about me to his best friend and gets very upset anytime my name comes up in conversation. He kept coming back after each break up literally crying that without me his life had no meaning anymore. Everything he said about not loving me contradicts his actions. Im so confused. Do I meet him and risk feeling broken all over again, or have to live without closure? Please, any advice is appreciated, I feel sick to my stomach and I need to make a decision soon because I need to focus on my exams this week.
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (18 September 2009):
 This is one of those tragic things in life. If you meet him, then you're going to be hurt no matter what.
It seems this breakup hurt the two of you so badly that even thinking about seeing him is painful to you. Yet you still seem to have strong feelings for each other.
He's conflicted and so are you. What you should do, I think, is simply send him another email telling him you're not strong enough emotionally to see him in person and that you're still physically ill over all the pain you went through.
But here's what I also think. The two of you are apparently cut from the same cloth. You are terribly drawn to each other and only want each other, but on the same token, you've never developed as a mature couple.
That's a problem for both of you. Separated you can't find other people to bond with in your lives, and you both don't want to date anyone else.
If it would help, I would say some kind of couples therapist would be the only way the two of you could be in the same room together right now.
Think of it this way, he's hurting too. Everything that you've written says that he's in a great deal of pain.
Ideally it would be nice to think that if you both got back together all the wounds would heal and you could both share love again.
However, its also a problem because whatever it is you both shared, it also tore you apart.
As I said, the only thing you can do now is just tell him you're not strong enough to meet with him in person. You can tell him that you know he's hurting too. Its fine to do that.
Sadly, this is one of those times when it really hurts to think that you two had something and what that something was ended up being so painful. I can see it from your perspective at least that you need a great deal of healing over this and you're just not ready yet.
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female
reader, natmarie  +, writes (18 September 2009):
 I don't think you should risk seeing him and setting yourself back. You must protect yourself emotionally. Please refrain from seeing him for at least six months, then see how you feel. Concentrate on you exams , and maybe getting a new guy to have fun and date with. :o)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): I really feel for ya, I've been in very similar situations in my life. Sometimes closure feels so necessary and that's understandable. It takes a very very long time to get over someone you care so deeply about, especially if you share so much with them. You can't expect to magically be healed after just a few months sometimes it takes years. There's no set amount of time so don't pressure yourself into "getting over" him anytime soon and dating other people. Instead spend the time figuring out who you are what you really want out of life, do things for yourself that make you happy. You're in a tough spot though because it seems like you want an explanation but that you also might want to get back with him. You guys are both very young and to be thinking about marriage and stuff like that at your age is kinda risky. You're just beginning to figure out who you are as an adult and i don't think running into marriage is anything to rush into. If he is the only guy you've ever been in a relationship with it might do you good to go out and date other guys and see what else is out there. Obviously he has something going on that makes him keep coming back and leaving, most likely he's scared that he's going to miss out on the whole dating other people and seeing what else is out there, especially at his age. So about meeting for closure, it can be dangerous because it can bring back all those feelings. I've had a few relationships end without any closure and i felt just like you and I wanted closure too but in time I realized it wasn't going to make the outcome any different. In the end you're not together and unless you really want to get back with him i wouldn't risk upsetting yourself anymore by meeting him. Sometimes you just have to draw a line and cut ties and leave the past in the past without proper closure, it's very hard but sometimes it's all you can do. The closure you desire might end up hurting you even more, his reasons might only make you more upset so sometimes not knowing is better. i hope this helps and good luck with your exams.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): I don't think he's mature enough to not hurt you again. If the two of you are meant to be, you'll be together sometime in the future when he's grown up a bit and knows what he wants. I don't think you should meet up with him, it sounds like he wants to get back together again so he can change his mind and break up with you again later, hurting you both again. Try and distract yourself from thinking about him by studying for your exams, that's worked surprisingly well for me in the past. It actually sounds like he might have a problem with loving drama in his life or maybe has a fear of commitment. Either way, it's not good for you to see him again - it will bring up all the feelings you've spent the last 8 months working through. Don't worry about not being able to feel anything for anyone but him when you've been on other dates. It takes quite a long time to get over someone who has been so important in your life and who you thought you could spend the rest of your life with. I once took close to 2 years to be able to feel anything for another guy after a bad breakup from a 3 year relationship. However, closure would be great for you to move on... try insisting that he email you back to explain what went wrong. Tell him you are too busy to meet up just now and that you deserve to know what went wrong. From what you said about him, I doubt he even knows why he acted like that, but that is no excuse for what he's put you through, so please don't weaken in your resolve not to see him!!
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