A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing this guy kind of on and off for five months. We've both discussed that we do not want a relationship with each other, but enjoy each other's company and are attracted to each other. I told him that I loved him as a friend, because I do (honestly, and I'm not in denial about some other kind of love), and he said he felt the same way, but I feel like, if we truly were friends, I wouldn't feel so odd about communicating with him.Our typical interactions go like this: He comes over or I come to his place, we spend a fun evening cooking dinner, laughing and watching movies, and we might make out or have sex (not every time). Then, he walks me to my car or I walk him to his, and he kisses me sweetly and says, "I'll see you soon." Then, I don't hear a peep from him for at least a week, usually two weeks. Furthermore, when I do send him a text (usually pertaining to something we talked about, or giving him information about something), he takes forever to respond, if at all. I'm talking days, not hours. I feel like it's rude and feels like he can't be bothered to reply to me.My last text to him was: "The Xmas party that I told you about is on Dec. 20th, if you still wanted to go." I sent him that text on Wednesday, and it's now Sunday. I'm taking that as a write-off on the party, but also it feels like a blow-off of me, which is really uncalled-for. This guy hasn't had a girlfriend in 10 years and is a total commitment-phobe (even though he thinks that, when the "right girl" comes along, she'll magically be able to make him want to commit and fall in love), and he's also had bad experiences in the past with women who fell in love with him and ended up devastated and psycho for him because he wouldn't commit. I think, somehow, this is his way of controlling how "deep" this goes. I'm not interested in him as a boyfriend, as I've said, but, in ways, he did fulfill some of the boyfriend-like duties, which is why I felt comforted and emotionally open to him. I've broke it off with him before, only to be lured back in by him texting me a week later and being "cute" and attentive (what a trap, I know). I suspect he will contact me again soon, but I think I'm pretty much sick and tired of this stuff, and ready to be done with it.So...how to end it, I guess? Do I make a big stink, write a dramatic "Dear John" type letter, do I wait until he contacts me, or do I just quietly mail him his stuff back without a word? Also, I have some (small, but not re-giftable) Christmas presents for him--do I send them or return them?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLOL iloveblue, that is evil! I'm mailing him all of his stuff, no wrapping, no frills, and then I probably just won't reply to any of his little, "Knock! Knock! I'm still here!" calls or texts. Guys love to keep you on the hook,but as soon as you wriggle your way off, they do go nuts trying to re-hook you. I'm SO done.
A
female
reader, iloveblue  +, writes (18 December 2013):
 You want some real revenge, just disappear like you were just a dream. I did that to one of my exes...when I had enough I just stopped texting, stopped responding. But ofcourse that was the result of months begging him to see me and not breaking-up with me.
But I had enough one day, I felt he was already just using me for sex. And instead of meeting him, I cancelled his call and I never ever replied or texted him again. He went crazy! He came to my house, sent his sister to my office but I was just polite and I said I became just too busy.
I had the last laugh. Do it and you will definitely enjoy it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone, for the insightful help. I think I'll send him the gifts, but not make a big deal about it. I guess I'm a little disappointed because I did want him as a friend. i guess it gets complicated when you add in the whole sex thing. Maybe we can be friends in the future, but I think that I need to break the whole attraction thing by not hanging out with him for a while.
Either way, it's really clear that he's trying to control the relationship, and stop himself from getting too attached (he first pulled away when I told him, within the first month of dating, that I was dating other people). He's been dodgy and hot and cold ever since.
It's time to move on.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 December 2013):
 I would just let it go graciously into the good night also. But I would take control. I would also send the gifts… parting gifts are such a class act IMO. I would meet with him ONE last time and give him the gift you have for him for the holidays and make it clear that you have enjoyed your time but it no longer meets your requirements or needs and therefore you are no longer available for conversations, visits or events. I would not say “breaking up” with him since it’s clear to me you two were never a “real” couple… just FWB.
Now I Need to address a few things… #1 TEXTING is NEVER for important things. I sent my husband a bunch of texts back in AUGUST…. The last week in July the first week in August to be precise… HE GOT THEM OVER THANKSGIVING WEEKEND…. He was very confused… thankfully I was able to locate the sent texts in my phone and we had a good laugh about it. TEXTS for IMPORTANT things such as asking for a date should NEVER be done. NOT saying that’s what happened but it does happen I’ve seen it over and over. Text messages are a very low priority for most phone companies.
Secondly ONCE he meets the girl of his dreams HE WILL COMMIT to her. I know a man who got married for the first time two years after he met his now wife. He was 52 when he married her. My husband swore up and down right and left in and out that he was NEVER EVER getting married. MARRIAGE was STUPID and NOT NEEDED EVER… guess what… he was the one who wanted to get married… not me. I married him because HE WANTED TO MARRY ME… even though marriage is stupid and he’s never ever getting married (till you meet a woman you fall I love with and don’t’ want to risk losing)
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reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (16 December 2013):
 ...as for the gift...DO NOT give them to him because they are just another way he will hurt you, because he won't gift you back and that will cause more resentment and over thinking. If you can't regift them to anyone you know, give them to a local charity.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (16 December 2013):
I agree with Cindy.
No need to kick up a fuss, it won't make a blind bit of difference to him because he isn't emotionally invested in you and even though he might throw you a rope in a few weeks, it just means he wants to come around for more no strings sex.
You are starting to feel resentment because even though you tell yourself that you dont want him as a boyfriend, you are building expectations:
'He should be calling me'
'He should be replying to my texts'
'He should want to come to my party'
'He should want to be seen with me'
Thing is...NO he shouldn't be doing any of these things because he ISN'T in a relationship with you and he don't want to be tied to you and have to make plans with you (other than hooking up for sex, comfort, company)
When he has other plans...he can blow you off like you don't exist.
I am sorry you are upset over this but I think you are deluding yourself. You are letting him use you and getting frustrated when he won't give you more of what he said he didn't have in the first place!!!
How to end it?
Delete, delete and ignore. I was in this situation with a guy for 6 years!!...yes SIX!! He would always come around, always get in touch but, although we were friends and went out...he never wanted 'commitment'. Of course he is with someone now, so the whole commitment thing was a lie...he just wasn't into me in that way.
It was me who ended it and I literally had to change my number and e-mail to make him go away. He did turn up at my house once but I didn't answer the door...
That's how persistent these guys are, they won't let you go because they do not want to lose a sex connection, but they also WILL NOT give you what you want. You really have to scrape them off to save your own sanity.
Be strong, it will be difficult, but really it will be worth it in the end.
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 December 2013):
 I guess he is signalling that he does not want to take on more boyfriend-like duties than it's strictly necessary, and that you expect more boyfriend -like behaviours than he feels it's reasonable.
He is fine with the situation : casual, relaxed, no pressure, if I see you great and I don't see you great as well. He does not feel the need for more closeness or more frequent interaction, he probably thinks that if you have to tell him something, or viceversa, you two can talk in person next time you meet. And , most of all, it sounds like he does not like having obligations or making plans ( which figures , if he is so committment-phobic ).
The reason why he did not answer about the party is because he is leaving his options open and does not want to commit to being somewhere with you in case something better comes up. Ergo, the delay.
I understand that you may not be satisfied with the situation and would like to see some more interest from him, but , seen the circumstances and your agreement, I don 't feel you can really blame him. So no need to raise a stink, - if you want someone more quasi boyfriend-ish acting in a more quasi- boyfriendish way ... that's not him and I don't feel he has said or done things to illude you in this sense.
I'd just declare unilateral closure, and when he contacts you back I'd simply tell him that , all in all, this is not working out for you and you aren't interested anymore. Neat, simple and drama-free.
As for the gifts, it's up to you, either solution is fine. If the gifts aren't that expensive and you don't really need the cash back,- I'd say " noblesse oblige ", send him your Xmas presents anyway ; this "thing " has not worked out to the best of your expectations, but I guess it's not really a case for harbouring hard feelings...
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