A
male
age
,
*o-R
writes:We are both 60, very active and coming up to 30 years of marriage but we haven't had sex for three to four months. She has become very sore down below and despite visits to the doctor things are not getting better. Understandably perhaps her libido has fallen off a cliff and wants nothing to do with intimate moments. Despite gentle encouragement she wont even help to relieve my sexual longings, apart from buying me an egg for self pleasure.I'm extremely frustrated and no end of masturbation is helping. Also I'm beginning to feel a resentment build up. What can I do? Do I have to sit and suffer? Talking about it is putting her under pressure but how much pressure do I apply? Do I look something extramarital? Help please.Thanks
View related questions:
libido Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 March 2013):
 Empty-1, your wife was not 60 when she had your children. ( Btw, does she know that she 's ready for the glue factory the moment she should unfortunately become incapacitated to have intercourse ? )
I think that people just does not want to grasp the impermanence of things. Youth, health, sexual prowess, sexual functionality, in fact, do not last forever. We get old, and then we die, and in between we may lose some of our physical abilities-and we are lucky if it is only sexual functions. Living conditions and consequently life expextancy have so exponentially grown and improved in the last decades ,that we tend to forget that . 150 years ago Balzac would try to convince his contemporaries that a middle aged woman could still have some charm and attractives- and he was talking about women of THIRTY . Now, a 30 y.o. is considered young, you don't have to convince people ( unless they are pedophiles ) that she is still sexually appealing. This makes us forget that the " game over " sign has been moved on along the line, but it's still there.
The OP's wife has been unlucky, I know women in their 60s who still have a regular sexual life, and even a feisty lady in her mid 70's that ( at least she says ) still enjoys some fun in the bedroom.
On the other end, I also know a woman who went through early menopause at 39 and by mid 40s had had to close up shop, sexually speaking. Draw of luck.
My point is, hopefully a good doctor will be able to find the right combinations of estrogens and progesteron and what not, that can help this woman ( the OP does not say that she is not doing anything about the problem, just that so far the doctor's visits haven't helped ). But it will be temporary. At some point ,in 2 or 4 or 6 years... she will become not sexually viable anymore,one can't stay on HRT forever.
I suppose that her husband ,a lucky husband not affected yet by any sign of andropause,still lusty and virile, would be technically justified or even "entitled " to divorce ( not to cheat ).So he can move on to a sexually active woman.
But then why bothering getting married to begin with. The idea , as unrealistic as it is, still is that people gets married to stay together trough thick and thin, to enjoy the good things together - and tough it out the bad ones together. The idea is that, shit happens- in theory, at least, one should not take an illness or physical disability as a signal to jump ship. You have married a person, not a body part or a body function. You have married a woman, not a vagina. If you love somebody you don't leave them because they have lost some , or all, of their eyesight, hearing, etc. Why with sex should be different, I wonder.
A
male
reader, empty-1  +, writes (12 March 2013):
The difference cerberus, is the permanency of the condition. Sure, there are -some- things that -might- help. Not reverse, just help a little. When my wife had our children, I was patient through the hormonal changes that come with bearing a child, and spent months without any sexual contact. A part of the reason I could successfully do so is because I knew that there was a sunset on the physiological portion of our then lack of sex life. If, however, a year had gone by, and she were then to have flatly stated she had no further interest in sex, I would have felt very used, as nothing more than a sperm donor and meal ticketIs 3-4 months too short a period to be thinking about such drastic measures? Probably. Patience will certainly serve the OP well, and I would agree that 3-4 months isn't an unreasonable timeframe in the case of a medical or physiological interruption. However, if there were a flat refusal on her part to work towards a solution?The expectation that he should then have to do so is what I'm opposed to.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2013): empty-1 it's not PC crap to reward 30 years of good service with a bit of loyalty and patience.
I wouldn't go spouting off any bullshit about biology either a woman's sex drive is the same as ours it's not as powerful as the maternal instinct, you're thinking of the paternal instinct. A mother would throw herself in front of a bus to protect her children, I wouldn't throw myself under a bus for sex.
3-4 months and he wants an affair, after 30 years of giving him sex he can't try and find a solution to her medical problem or wait until she finds a solution? That's selfish.
I suppose I should have dumped my girl when she had her car accident then and spent months in hospital and having physio. I guess sex is far more important than anything else she can provide and I guess after 30 years sex is still more important to the OP than the woman herself.
Now I love sex, if my fiancée just stopped of her own free will and refused then I'd have a problem with that and my loyalty and patience would run out. But a medical problem that isn't her fault? No, she'd deserve my loyalty and patience because she's more than just warm hole to stick it in to me. Sex is equally as important as all of the rest of the things she gives me but if I found out tomorrow she could no longer have sex due to a medical condition then as devastated as I'd be I'd still marry her. I'm not just some walking penis whose sex drive is as powerful as a woman's instinct to protect and nurture a child, that's some real bullshit right there. The paternal instinct is just as powerful and a woman's instinct to have sex is just as powerful as ours and or course they all vary from person to person.
3 months after 30 years and he's ready to have an affair. She gets no credit for time served? No credit for all other things she brings to marriage? 3 months no sex and that's it?
No one told him to sit and suffer by the way. Almost everyone of us advised him to go actively try and find a solution to this, to actively try and help her to get over this so they can resume their sex life. I don't believe he should sit and suffer at all, but I do think he needs to reign in the frustration a bit and direct all that into practical solutions. After 30 years I think she's earned the courtesy of him trying every single damn thing he can with her to fix this before he runs into the arms of another woman.
...............................
A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (12 March 2013):
Absolutely Cindy. Normally, I agree with most of what you have to say, but this time, not only would I give similar advice, but I -HAVE- given pretty much the same advice to female friends.When we select a mate, sexual compatibility is among the more important concerns. If the bedroom isn't working out well for both partners, you can sure bet it's going to cause spillover problems. If that's a permanent condition, the relationship is headed for a miserable stalemate of an existence.If he had developed ED, and she were still feeling the need for the touch, physical connection, and release of orgasm, then I'd tell him to do what he can - hands, mouths, cuddles, holding, etc. If he were simply unwilling to accommodate her needs as well as he was able, then yeah, she would be within her rights to either leave, or find satisfaction where she could.Don't get me wrong. I'm not advocating an illicit affair. Cheating on a faithful spouse is as low as it gets. However, there is more than one definition of faithful. If one partners needs are not being met, and the other partner is made aware of the need and its unsatisfied nature, and consistently refuses to make efforts to accommodate that unmet need, that partner is not being faithful. They are betraying the trust we place in one another to act with each others best interests in mind. If there is no other solution, then the partner who has an unmet need is no more wrong to seek satisfaction elsewhere than their partner is for refusing to help in the first place.This holds true, regardless of whether the need in question is sexual in nature or not. If she needed comfort and emotional support for one reason or another, and he refused to speak to her about it, refused to be a shoulder for her to cry on, refused to be an ear for her to talk to, and refused to be someone she could unload some of her burdens on, then she would be well within her right to go looking for someone else with whom she can speak and get the emotional support she needs. His sexuality is no different.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (12 March 2013):
This is not a matter of feminism, it is a matter of plain common sense.
A dick is a vital, important organ, but it does not substitute the function of a brain, let's try to use each organ for his own adequate function.
Pain is pain, and sore is sore, and it's not a matter of talking it through. You won't make a fierce toothache go away telling the sufferer how you miss her kisses.
The OP's wife is not inventing or exaggerating- this is a real problem that some women exhibit in more serious forms than others. It's just a matter of bad luck.
Thinning of the vaginal walls is a reality at her age, chronic vaginall dryness too, same as hormonal imbalances ( hyperproduction of androgens etc. ) that make intercourse difficult, unpleasant or even impossible.
Some women are minimally affected by these changes and a tiny bit of lube will do the trick, some others are majorly affected and it takes much patience and trial-and-error to find a combinations of medications that can, if not eliminate the condition, at least lessen it, and make intercourse possible, if not palatable, again.
Same women have excruciatingly painful menstrual periods, some women don't even notice. Some women give birth in 2-3 hours, some in 2-3 DAYS. Go complain with Mother Nature.
Yes, it IS selfish- and irrational- for the OP to sulk because his wife has a physical problem. He needs to be patient and give time to the medical approach(es) to work.
Speaking of things that are hard to believe, I find hard to believe that a loving partner would make himself the focus of his wife physical difficulties. It's a bit as if his wife had had a leg amputated and he were sulking because he is itching to dance, dance is his passion, he can't live a few months without dancing. Self centered and ridicolous.
When you get married is " in sickness and in health ", you are supposed to roll with the punches. I wonder what the posters would suggest if the shoe was on the other foot, i.e. if he had developped ED ( quite possible at his age ) while his wife still feels frisky and amorous. Would you tell her " That's the poor bastard problem, you need to take care of business, go at once to get yourself a fuck buddy " ?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2013): It might be due to the menopause. Hormone replacement therapy (HRT) might help. If that hasnt been suggested, try asking about it.
...............................
A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (12 March 2013):
I can't believe what I'm reading!Otherwise well respected agony aunts calling the OP names and telling him he's insensitive and selfish?Have a series of frank conversations with your wife. Do it while she's in a good mood and not in pain. Tell her how this makes you -feel- emotionally. Tell her that between the two of you, you had a certain rhythm and pattern of sexual behavior. Let her know you understand that as we get older, our body chemistry changes, but that yours hasn't caught up to where she's at.Let her know that the physical and emotional drive towards procreative behavior is the single most powerful biochemical reaction natural to the human male - it's comparable to a woman's 'maternal instinct'.Tell her that you're open to creative solutions that don't include requiring that she submit to painful intercourse. On a semi regular basis she can help you manually and/or orally.Let her know the current situation has caused you to have thoughts of straying, but you're really trying not to even entertain those thoughts, let alone pursue them.be patient with her, but firm. Your needs are not immaterial, as some agony aunts would have you believe. No, you do not need to simply learn to live without. The illusion that you should shackle your sexuality because she has decided that she wants it shackled is one of the greatest crimes that the fallout of the modern feminist movement has caused. Sexuality is our own, given to our partner with the trust that it will not be abused. Being told that you need to learn to turn it off is abusive - you are being told you now need to hurry up and outgrow one of your most powerful basic instincts and sources of emotional comfort and gratification. For no particular reason than because she's leaving mommy mode behind permanently.If she will not discuss this with you frankly, and in a loving supportive manner, then yes, let her know that she will need to do a lot of looking the other way. Don't lie to her about anything that may be going on. Don't try to hide it, or make it a secret, but don't be a prick about it either. Don't make it very common, or very intrusive. Don't rub it in her face. Don't however, let the modern PC crap tell you that your penis is obsolete either,
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2013): Only if your wife agrees, would you really throw away a lifetime commitment because of something she can't help? You sound pretty selfish, you probably get more sex than any 60 yr old man who is single, so think of it that way. I know going without sex can be hard but I've known men serve in Afghanistan for 7 month without sex, and some of these men are about 20! My boyfriend did it for one.I think you need to think of it from your wife's point of view, you seem to care more about your own desires than whether or not she feels pain. I doubt she would be ok with you having sex with another woman. There is actually surgery and treatment for the physical issues, and you could even consider counselling.I think you should talk to your wife, tell her you need your desires fulfilled and perhaps you two could make a compromise?
...............................
A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (11 March 2013):
 I have three main suggestions to offer. First one is for your wife to use a lubricant. Second one is for you to use a condom, which of course is already lubricated. The third suggestion is, whilst using one of the above, for your wife to be on top so that penetration will be more comfortable for her. In the event that all of the above fails then move to plan B which is to make time for your wife, take her out somewhere, go for walks together and try do all the things you used to do all those years ago when you first met. She may start to relax and some of her old feelings may come flooding back.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 March 2013):
 oh as for seeking a partner outside of marriage... what does your wife think about that option? if she's ok with it, then go for it.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 March 2013):
if every time you tried to have sex the skin of your penis burned and pulled and hurt like sandpaper would you have a libido and want sex?I have a friend who is a newlywed at 40 and has vaginal dryness and thinning from menopause... NOTHING is helping and sex is very painful for her.... sore does not begin to describe it. I'm thinking you are not realizing that having intercourse with vaginal dryness is much like shoving a red hot poker up her.....3 months is not a lot of time for the doctors to try to find what will work for her. AND for what it's worth LUBE is not enough... there is cell thinning... it's hormonal....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2013): I don't have any experience of women her age and I'm not a doctor so the sore thing is nothing I can help you with, she needs to go get a second or third opinion. Perhaps there's a solution to that but without details I can't say.I have to say though I really do think you're being crazy impatient and have no understanding whatsoever.At 60 a 3 month dry spell is good going OP, your sex life has been maintained very well by the sounds of things for 30 years and one dry spell and you're considering jumping ship and getting it from someone else?It sounds like she physically can't have sex and you talk about sitting and suffering? You talk about pressure, how is that supposed to cure her sore vagina? You talk about finding another woman? So 30 years of marriage all boils down to one thing, your sexual needs? You're willing to throw it away and hurt her because at the moment her vagina is so sore she has lost her libido?I advise you to stop letting your frustration get the better of you. Get her a second opinion, find out everything you can online to see if you can help, special lube, maybe there's a mental issue, find out from others your age who may have similar problems. Figure it out OP by trying to help her. Help her and you help yourself, instead of your selfish crap about your needs to be willing to go have an affair.With all due respect is says a lot about how you see her if instead of helping her get over this your first reaction is how it effects you. Exhaust all practical avenues before you start resorting to the dickish attitude but by all means talk to her about how you feel, just don't speak to her about it in the way you have here. You sound like a dick that doesn't give a shit about her as anything more than a sore hole you can no longer stick it in.
...............................
A
female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts  +, writes (11 March 2013):
 Maybe you should check out a different doctor. Not all doctors know or want to do anything sex related. It's only recently that doctors are trying to understand more about sex problems so you might have just gone to a doctor who has no idea yet. I suggest you try that out first before jumping in the sack with a random or forcing her to have painful sex. And before you look for extramarital sex or forcing sex, do sit her down and say you would like her to take care of you with her hands or mouth if not with her vagina. A reason why she might refuse is because she probably thinks it's unfair if she doesn't get the same treatment. So also tell her it'd be worthwhile for her as well because YOU are going to get down on her with your mouth and hands.Also, 3-4 months of no sex... I've seen worse on this site, so man up a bit and spend more time trying to resolve this problem before resorting to things that can ruin your marriage.
...............................
|
