A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was married when I was 19 years old ( I am 24 now) and I am losing hope for my marriage. When I got into this relationship I truly did love my husband. However, we fight very often, and the fights have sometimes become physical on both sides (pushing,slapping, throwing things, and sexual abuse toward me by him). I have worked on my anger and hurt in therapy (he has not), but although we have worked out many issues, I feel that what I am left with is a marriage to a man I do not trust, and that I do not desire physical intimacy with in any way. To further complicate things, I have developed strong feelings for a close friend. I really wish to leave my husband, but I feel terrible guilt because we have a child, and thing are less rocky than they were previously. I have been told by relatives that this is simply my selfishness, but I can't help balking at spending the rest of my life feeling so empty. Should I suck it up and try harder, or do I have valid reasons to leave? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 July 2011):
 Personally I don't find the way you feel strange at all , I'd be surprised if you felt differently. Who cares if it happened a year ago ? The important thing is that, it HAPPENED. And IMO once it happens you have passed the point of no return. You have broken physical boundaries of safety, mutual trust, respect, understanding, empathy; anything that constitues and defines a marriage. You are left with an empty shell, a mockery. And your feelings of emotional detachment and physical indifference show that, at some level, you know that very well.
And , one year it's not such a long time. You may have been working on your issues- but he didn't. Things can spin out of control again anytime- tomorrow, or in six months, or in 6 years. You 'd be forever waiting for the other shoe to drop.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (21 July 2011):
You should leave your husband. There is abuse going on in the marriage, and while you took responsibility for your part and have worked on your issues to change for the better, he has not worked on his. Things may be less rocky now, but that doesn't mean that the marriage is repaired or even close. You have every right not to trust your husband, in fact it's good that you don't. This is your survival instinct protecting you. Your revulsion toward your husband is your mind's way of protecting yourself from someone who has abused you. IMO abuse in marriage is every bit as much a betrayal as infidelity. Marriage vows say to love, honor and cherish each other. If your husband is still abusing you, he is continuing to break his marriage vows so I would consider this marriage to be over in mind and spirit. By making it official you will be free to find someone who will treat you better.Don't let your relatives guilt you into staying - they don't know what has gone on in your marriage, they don't know the depths of hurt and despair you feel so they have no right to tell you to stay with someone continually breaks his marriage vows to you by abusing you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, I didn't ask the question of whether hitting and shoving in a fight, it obviously is. I stated in my question that I have seen a therapist. My relationship has been very volatile at times and it was hard to handle for both parties. I also am not asking whether I should cheat, I am just trying to give the whole picture in the question. My concern is that NONE of the physical problems or out of control fights have happened for quite some time (over a year) and yet I still feel unhappy and want to leave. things are better but I still don't feel ok with the relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): BOTH u and your hb are wrong: both of you attacking each other??? oh no!
to add to this mess u are emotionally cheating on your hb. what do u think he is going to do WHEN he finds out......you better hope that he doesnt find out bec if he does know what u are up to, i am certain the result will not be good.
instead of cheating on him, divorce him. leave a clean slate. do not be known as a cheater and an adulterer. you will have to carry this shame for the rest of your life.
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): You have valid reasons for wanting to go and it is something you should consider. After all it's not "in sickness and in guilt" in other words guilt is not a good reason to stay married.
Your child deserves happy parents more than it needs them to stay together so if leaving is what is needed for you to be happy then you really don't have any alternative.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 July 2011):
You have valid reasons to leave- and unfortunately your husband has as many to let you leave with a sigh of relief, because the physical abuse has been mutual. I feel no marriage can be fixed, or is worth fixing, once you get to this point of recurring physical abuse.
As for your relatives' comments, the real,ultimate selfishness would be to let your kid grow up in this atmosphere of turmoil, hostility and sheer violence. He is not responsible for your and your husband's anger problem and should not be taking the brunt of it, emotionally, mentally or- God forbid- phisically.
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A
female
reader, sammy1986  +, writes (21 July 2011):
you have very valid reasons to leave what worries me is why your family expect you to stay with a man who treats you like this especially as you mentioned sexual abuse i would break up with him you cannot go through life being unhappy you have got to live life to the full everybody deserves to be happpy
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A
female
reader, Star xxx +, writes (21 July 2011):
 By the sounds of it you have tried hard enough and why should you stay in a marriage that you have had to endure sexual abuse.
If there is no trust (quite rightly) and no desire for pysical intimacy then what else is left.
You can not stay in a marriage out of guilt, who is going to benefit from that. It will cause pain and heartache to all involved eventually.
On the flip side i would also say that you should not leave just because you have developed feelings for someone else, i would say some time on your own would be a good thing as you have been through a lot in your marriage and i dont think jumping into another relationship would be such a good thing to do.
Take care xx
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