A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I’m feeling really undecided right now. I’m coming up to my 30th birthday. I have a good job, good friends and family. I have met an older man, 16 year age difference. He has a daughter 18 and a son 12 to one woman. No problems there. He has a 10 year old son to another woman and this where the problems are. He has being separated from his last ex for 8 year but she still calls all the shots with him. If he doesn’t do what she wants then she threatens him with not seeing his son. I make no demands on him, he sees his son every two weeks and all school holidays. I just fit in with him when he can see me between his youngest son and his work. He takes all his frustrations out on me, saying I’m needy or always wanting attention or that I have issues and I’m negative. I am none of these things he says. I am very sociable, positive, never needy and love my life. I have never met his children and never pushed him to meeting me. They don’t even know I exist. Without making this too long, I’m really getting fed up with the whole situation. I’ve been seeing him for 6 month but I’m starting to feel to far down his priority list. I understand I will never come first but if his ex to his youngest son wants something doing or tells him he has to have his son, then I’m just cast aside. I know his kids come first and I accept that but am I been unreasonable for asking just to be giving a little consideration. He’s told me his kids come first and I am 100% behind him on this. I just feel like walking away from it all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2021): I am sure you should walk away, I am also sure that if a thousand people advised you strongly to walk away you would still be with him in six months, still waiting in the wings, which does make you needy by the way and always there on his terms until he gets bored and finds someone else.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2021): Six months in and he's already criticising your personality!
I agree with those that say it's time to get away.
You don't need the hassle.
You're at an age where you expect and deserve a decent future and you will only get that if you cut away from this guy.
He is not showing you any of the signs of being a decent match for you.
He is surplus to your requirements and if you waste time with this man you will be wasting your wonderful years.
You need to find someone nicer.
Someone at the same stage of life as yourself and someone who values you.
There are many guys the same age as yourself looking for life partners so try to choose wisely.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 December 2021):
 Listen to your own "common sense" here and walk away.
"He takes all his frustrations out on me, saying I’m needy or always wanting attention or that I have issues and I’m negative. "
No, just no. His frustrations are his to deal with you are not ANY man (or person's) verbal punching bag when they are frustrated and honestly? It sounds like his annoyance and anger towards his "last ex and baby momma" is the one he is ACTUALLY mad at but he can't confront her or be mad with her because she will just use their son as a pawn to make him "behave".
Find someone with less baggage. Find someone a bit closer to your own age too. This guy is also treating you this way because he is PRESUMING that because you are younger you are easier to manipulate. He will say jump and you "should" ask how high?! To make HIS life easy.
That is not how a good relationship works.
There is no future here. And trust me as soon as the last ex of his finds out she can also mess with YOU and YOUR life through him, she will be on it like white on rice.
Wish him well, tell him you don't think you are compatible long-term, and then BLOCK the shizz out of him.
You are nearly 30, do you really WANT this to be your future? It's not like it's going to get better EVER with this one.
I think you deserve more and better.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (7 December 2021):
 You're 6 months into this relationship and already you feel like "walking away from it all". How will hanging in there make things any better? You are supposed to be in the "honeymoon" period of your relationship, the time when both parties pull out all the stops to impress the other.
What would concern me is not that he puts his kids first - because that is as it should be - but that he accuses you of doing/being things you are not. Stay with him and, in time, you will actually become those things and you will hate the person you become.
Don't walk away. RUN! And don't look back.
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A
male
reader, DarrellGood +, writes (7 December 2021):
 This is the problem when there is a kid involved in the sense that you have to realise she will never be out of his life entirely if they are co-parenting. It is always power she will have over him as well because, credit too him, he loves his kid and that makes him a good parent.
Credit too you, you accept his kid will come before you but obviously what you cant accept is feeling like its not the kid but his ex but is also coming before you. Understandably. I get the feeling, honestly, the situation may be a bit more complex than that. I think if he were here he may well refute the claims you are making and have a different perspective, that is not to say your wrong nor that he is but it is something you need to be aware of.
Ultimately, this situation needs some constructive communication and if that really cant happen then maybe yes you need to walk away. You need to sit down and talk in a nonjudgemental way, stick to I feel phrases rather than attacking him/judging him and try to get him to open up about how he is feeling about it all.
See where you go from there. Maybe it just isnt right for you, maybe you cant accept the role she is always going to play in his life through the kid and that is a perfectly valid life choice. If so, walk away. However, if you can then that does open the way for some constructive communication work being able to heal this rift and bring you back closer together. Good luck.
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