A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a relationship for about 6 years. We have 4 kids together. We're not married. I've decided I'm never going to marry him. I'd never take his name. So our relationship has its ups and downs, but for the last year it was going well. First I must say that I have an aversion to his family. From the beginning, they were against me. They asked for a DNA test on our first son. His father is hot headed, probably bi-polar or manic, rude, loud-mouthed, and narcissistic. His tendencies cause so much friction between himself and so many people, it's hard to keep track. Ive heard many stories of his behavior being like this his entire life. His mom had the same attitude. It must be a mental illness. Im honestly scared for my kids so I'm trying my best to raise them in a different atmosphere. So, we've have some run-ins. I've left their house crying many times. I've always been disrespected. Growing up in that environment, my SO thinks that behavior is normal, so he always excuses his dad. Finally I left their part of the country entirely and have been gone for about 3 years. Their dad followed eventually, but his grandfather passes and now his dad wants him around more, he and the kids. He's inherited his grandfathers house so he eventually wants to move back. This thought makes my entire stomach turn. I got physically sick and I cried for days when he mentioned it. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it. While I was there, I was so unhappy. They tried to alienate me from my kids, so I spent a lot of time towards the end of my stay just walking miles and miles from the morning to afternoon just to get away before they took my son to do whatever "fun activities" they had planned. It was usually just a tractor ride and sitting around smoking in his face while they bitched around. It was depressing and I eventually started drinking a lot just to numb everything. Then my SO started picking up the bad habits and one incident he yelled at this man and me in public over a misunderstanding and left me crying in front of everyone. That was the last straw. I left the next day. He followed me a month and half later. We've been near my family ever since and we're happy. He was for a while, but he's always got this rage just under the surface. He's been spending more time with his dad. His dad always thinks it's ok the ask him to leave us for a month or 2. I'm the only consistent person in their lives. I want them to grow up happy. I don't want them to feel how I felt with his family. They can have him as long as I have my kids. So he's been gone and he cane back with his fathers attitude. I'm mortified because last night he made a waitress cry. Granted we waited and hour for our drinks and another half hour for our food, but injudt can't see how you'd be happy with yourself after making a stranger cry. I'm appalled. I'm exhausted. How do I end this or can it be salvaged or any thoughts at all? Anything will help. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2021): Nowadays it is the in thing to say that anyone who does not behave the way you want them to is a narcissist. And it is always someone with no professional qualifications and experience in mental health matters who decides this.
Sometimes when men try it on with a woman they find desirable and exciting and long to be with and the woman rejects them he decides she is a slut - a lesbian - fat and ugly - boring - and spreads all sorts of horrible things about her simply because she did not do what she wants. Sadly we cannot choose our parents in law and some are nicer than others but we do choose our wife or husband and when we do that we ought to look at their parents too. If they are that awful maybe it is better not to marry their offspring.
If your husband has traits that his father has he had them before, how come you did not spot them before you married him? This is all down to buyer beware. Some people rush into marriage without checking things out thoroughly, others fall in love with the idea of getting married because they want a big day and honeymoon or are lonely, others want kids so feel it is urgent and almost anyone who is reasonable will do, perhaps it is also decided by how much they earn, but it is easy to make a mistake and regret it later.
People with aspergers are more likely to behave the way your husband did at the restaurant, not those with narcissistic tendencies by the way. Reading stuff on google trying to find nasty labels to attach to people never works. It is very much like people who are fascinated by astrology and tell you that their ex fits all of the scorpio traits of being selfish, egotistical and obsessed with sex, strange that they had been with him for twenty years then and never thought those things before, only when he dumps her.
We attach labels to people to fit how we want to see them, or fear they are rather than how they are. Some would say the lonely old man who lives in the house at the end of the road must be a child fiddler. Simply because he is not married and stays indoors a lot. But does that make sense and is it fair?
Most families have people in them that other people in the family do not like, sometimes very strongly and sometimes for very good reason. You make your choices. If there is something to be gained by saying yes say yes, if it is all bad when you say yes say no. Think like an individual and only agree to things with your husband when the benefit outweighs the bad bits.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2021): How many years have you endured all this? "Can it be salvaged," you asked? Reading your post, it seems the bad-behavior is dyed in the wool, and spreading through DNA!
Maybe sometimes you'll develop a little Stockholm's Syndrome; and it feels just too hard to leave him. You can't imagine the two of you apart. You worry what will happen to him. Maybe some women feel they have to suck-it-up; and suffer for the sake of giving their kids the benefit of having a live-in father. Fear of him finding another woman is one of the worst excuses ever!!! Economic-reasons are just a lame excuse. Money doesn't replace lost years, your physical-health, your mental-health, your dignity, or buy you peace; when you live with a bad-man. You had kids, and they depend on you; and they're at the mercy of your choices. They deserve a safe and happy home. No less than you had! Even if you have to be both their mother and father, you can do bad all by yourself! Who needs his help? You presently have the love and support of your own family. Obviously, you weren't raised by a man like your boyfriend's father!
I always have to remind women who write and complain about their unbearable husbands and boyfriends. Your boyfriend (or spouse) isn't suddenly changing; your man was always like his no-good evil father. You wanted to keep him; so you've taught yourself to deal with his faults. You let love place you in a state of denial. Good-men are good to the core, it's reinforced by their character; because God Himself put it there. They don't suddenly change, and become terrible boyfriends and husbands! Unless they're hiding their evil side; or have an undetected and degenerative psychosis!!! Rationalizing for their sake, and making excuses not to leave them becomes a habit. Look at where you are, and what you're going through; and you had to seek advice about it!
Bet I know what your parents are telling you! STAY PUT!!! Leave that demonic-seedling!
Whatever the case, when stuck with some men; you've got to find a way to escape! If he's violent, intimidating, or dangerous; then law-enforcement must be involved. Once you've been with someone for so long, somehow I guess some ladies get this notion in your head things will change for the better; or you'll try to convince yourself you can endure it for your children's sake. You may sometimes believe your love will change these men; or the love for his children might do it. Mostly, it's the fear of living alone, and not having a man. I once heard a female-colleague say "having a bad-man, or a loser, is better than having no man at all!" That made me sick to my stomach! That's utter nonsense and foolishness! That's a sign of having been beaten-down; until you've lost all common-sense, self-awareness, God's light, and all sense of reason.
How long must you suffer, and when is enough...enough?!! When you've lost your mind? When you've developed clinical depression and anxiety disorder, and/or when your kids become completely traumatized? Even worse, all of the above???
I think you've made a wise decision to distance yourself and your kids. They need a calm and civilized environment; and to be taught how to control their tempers, and to treat others with kindness and compassion. 1 Corinthians 15:33..."Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character.” Children mimic their parents; and when they get older, they'll take-on the worst habits and behavior of their friends. My dear, you've got your hands full! God have mercy on your sweet soul! First it's their home-environment; then it's being out there in the world!
Your children come first, but this is where things get sticky; because he is going to challenge you for the custody of the children, if you're not willing to move when he says move. He can't control you, when you have outside support from your own family. You have people watching your back; and protecting you and your kids. He needs complete and unchallenged control. He is the spawn of his devilish-father.
He's not your husband; so you're not under the obligation to just up and move just because he says so. Even if he was, relocating is a mutual-decision; not just his choice to make! Ruling with toxic-masculinity and bullying, and bringing up children in a toxic-environment is the very reason homes are broken. Parents and children become estranged, kids become runaways; and even marriages are torn apart. Mean uncompromising-men ruling with an iron-fist; when they're completely, totally, and unequivocally WRONG!!! This is abusive and dysfunctional-behavior!
This is where you better seek some legal-advice from an attorney. You're going to run into problems that may compromise your parental-rights; and will keep your children in the middle of turmoil and dysfunction. Their toxic-grandpa is going to destroy your partnership; and the kids will have to bear witness to inner-strife and be confused about who's right, and who's wrong? You will lose authority and control; even over your own life! You're not dealing with one aggressive/toxic-male, but two!!!
You need to level the playing field, and that will only be done using legal recourse. Seek pro bono services, and call family crisis centers to find assistance that might offer counseling and consulting referrals. They can suggest where to find legal help; and supply counseling to deal with this. You seem helpless, and without a voice; and not being his wife, you're left vulnerable to his whims. No matter how unreasonable he's being; or how bad it is for the children. They are your utmost priority. That toxic-environment is bad for your health, and I wouldn't stand for it another day! He can sell that house he inherited; and buy another one where you are. He won't, because he and his dad can't maintain their narcissistic "tag-team;" and boss over you like an abused country mule. Cracking the whip, and yanking the reins!
Lawyer-up girlfriend, make it hard to push you around! Let your folks show a little muscle!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (6 December 2021):
 Just running the math on this tells us a lot. You are between 30 an 35 years old. You have lived near his family for 3 years and near your family for 3 years. You have 4 children under the age of 6. Of course you are exhausted. 6 week separations are a regular feature in your relationship.
You mention the standard grab bag of suspected mental illnesses, but no actual diagnosis or treatment.
Here is my off the cuff advice. What you are looking at may or may not be mental illness. What it CERTAINLY IS is abusive. You have physical symptoms of stress and are reduced to crying regularly. So you go to your Doctor and you explain your symptoms, and your doctor makes a record of what is going on and he will likely prescribe you a antidepressant and hopefully some therapy. The anti depressant will hopefully help you to clearly see the situation you are in. But the therapy is the important bit.
That's 2 bits of advice 1- document the abuse symptoms, 2 Get help.
The next bit of advice is a bit harder to take. You need to remove the last abusive person from your life. This is your SO. Because you are not married you will need a protective order and a child support order. The second will be easier than the first. It is hard to prove emotional abuse, but your doctor should be able to see it as well as I do.
Can it be salvaged? I recommend (as a random dude on the internet) that you don't return to a known abuser. Usually it resuls in injury and if carried to long death.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2021): You could sit him down and talk of what you would tolerate close to the kids.
Then communication is key here.
Goodluck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 December 2021):
 Can it be salvaged?
It depends on your husband. 100%
If he REFUSES to accept that his behavior is not OK in your marriage, then no. If he REFUSES to get help (anger management for instance), then probably no.
As for having long waits in restaurants, THAT is a sign of the times, not because you had a bad waitress. Most restaurants are VERY short-staffed and the waitresses run more tables than they used to, sometimes even double. I went to our usual steak house last week and they had 4 waitresses covering what normally 8 would cover, they did take good care of all the guests and helped each other to ensure there was decent service ( about 1/3 - maybe even 1/2) of the tables were empty - not because they didn't have diners waiting but because they are short-staffed and try to make sure there is "social distance" between dinner parties. The hostess and the manager were also pitching in. This place simply CAN NOT hire staff, as no one wants to work in hospitality at the moment.
So yea, long waits are common these days and NOT always the staff's fault. Your husband being a dick to the staff is not OK. He could have said, let's go home instead - cancelled the order and left OR ordered pick up instead.
You also need to be FIRM that you are not moving back near his parents. HE can go live in his grandfather's house.
The biggest issue I can see here is IF you get divorced he still gets to see his kids and that could mean they HAVE to go there and spend time with his family. Which means they will learn some of these habits too.
You REALLY need to sit your husband down and have a talk about what is not appropriate and what you will not want around your kids.
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