A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I guess you could say that I'm talking to this new guy I met a couple weeks ago. He's really sweet and fun but he also lives 6 hours away (driving). He's really into me but we've talked about taking it slow and deciding if we actually do want to be a relationship.The thing that makes it a little complicated is that I've been "with" this other guy for almost a year. He's more than a friend with benefits but not a boyfriend. We're not exclusive and never planned on being together in a serious way.Do I have to tell the new guy about the other guy? I mean, I do like him and I'm still getting to know him but I don't see why he needs to know that I'm sleeping with someone else right now. At the same time, if we DO get together, I would want to be honest about my past but if I wait 'til then to tell him, it'll be a real shocker and if I tell him now, he might be hurt or angry.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 June 2010):
You said it in your last sentence. Either way it will come as a shock. But it's better you tell him now than later. Tell him later and he may think he deceived you.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 "I wouldn't want to give the old guy up if this thing with the new guy goes nowhere."
There's your answer.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 Well you're busy getting all wrapped up in what's technically 'ok" to do and what you and he have a "right" to know or not to know, but if you ask me, that's just digging a hole around the target. You don't want to face the fact that whether or not he's allowed to be mad because you're sleeping with someone else, he still could be very, very hurt. When emotions are involved, so is the sensitive part of your feeling.
But underkneath, you know it's not exactly "right" to be sleeping with someone right now, while you're talkking to him. That's why you're on this site asking us this question. The answers we gave you are what I stick to. It could be hurtful to him. You should let him know immediately in order to preserve his feelings not only later, but NOW.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2010): When you're risking giving someone an STD, it's polite to let them know about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do understand that it COULD hurt him later to find out if we were together, possibly now too BUT the fact is that at this point we're NOT together and NOT exclusive.
For all I know, despite the fact that he says he likes me, he could be sleeping with other women. He's very social, goes out a lot and constantly meets new people. While I wouldn't be thrilled to find out he was sleeping with someone else, I wouldn't be angry about it because it's not like he has any obligations toward me to NOT see any other women. I don't ask because I don't want to know and it's not my business right now. And being that he's 6 hours away and we can't see each much, I wouldn't really blame him.
Danielepew: If that was the case, 1. He's would still be free to do so because we're not together and I wouldn't really have a right to tell him not to and that's why 2. I just wouldn't want to know. What he does when he's NOT in a relationship is his own decision.
I know not telling him isn't the most "honorable" thing to do, but logically speaking, I don't feel like I need to complicate things. Besides, I wouldn't want to give the old guy up if this thing with the new guy goes nowhere.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (24 June 2010):
I'm with Sincerely. The easy way to know what to do is ask yourself what you would feel if he were sleeping with another woman, and you weren't sleeping with another man.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (24 June 2010):
I think he would be hurt if he knew that while you two are talking about a relationship together, you are sleeping with someone else.
It's best not to do things that we know will hurt other people.
So tell him now. If he is not ok with it, then either let go of the other guy, or let go of the new guy.
You know you're doing something that could hurt him, so why keep doing it? And why keep it in the dark at the risk of hurting him even worse later on?
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