A
female
age
41-50,
*erinity
writes:I've been seeking advise as to how I should handle my situation. My husband is an alcoholic and over the past two years has become verbally and physically abusive, not to mention controlling. The majority of advice I have received is to leave him for good. The other majority is saying to separate for at least a year and see if he gets the help that he needs. Keep in mind we have to children ages 6 and 4. I left him almost 1 month ago and we still talk and are trying to work things out. He has cut back a little on the drinking but is not going to his AA meetings like he is supposed to (this is an order from ASAP). He recently received a letter from his ASAP counseler stating that he is going to have a case review and he believes that it is for in inconclusive alcohol/drug test. Long story short, he thinks he will be going to jail for awhile. He thinks that I should be there for moral support because he has noone. He keeps saying that I've taken myself and the kids away and left him with nothing. He promises to quit drinking and says he'll never be verbally or physically abusive again. He wants me to make a decision now wheather or not I am going to get back with him because he can't live like this anymore (not knowing). A big part of me is overwhelmed with guilt, almost to the point where I just want to give in and go back. The other part of me is scared to give in because I'm afraid it will go back to the way it was. I'm so confused. Any advice?
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female
reader, Momo4865 +, writes (7 January 2012):
Run - as fast as you can - in the opposite direction of this monster. You cannot win with him - you can only win by leaving him and his abusive, alcoholic ways. Run, run, run!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007): I could have written your post myself! My ex is an alcoholic and our divorce was final a week ago. He is also crying and saying I took our child away from him and that he will die all alone because no one cares about him.
I feel so guilty and anguished about it because he has no friends except for "Mr. Smirnoff". He keeps calling me and asking me to come take care of him.
Yet, I know I did the right thing. It is not good for children to see their father like that. I am glad I did it, but didn't know how hard it would be.
I would say, yes, get out, and get a therapist! You can do it. Be strong for your children, and then the being strong will become a way of life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007): A covenant of marriage is adhered by both partners, hun. Did he take the convenant of marriage to you, into his heart when he made the choice to go down his own path of alcohol addiction. Did he think of his convenant of marriage when he abused you? Sweety, I respect your views on what marriage means to you but a covenant does not mean, you need to be chained to a man who is putting you through this. If your children are oblivious to all this and suffering no suffering, then you are fortunate. But I can assure you, they will eventually suffer and they'll have some big questions for you when they grow up. So no, you are not committing a sin by leaving an abusive, alcoholic husband. You are saving yourself and your children. If he wants to save his family and his marriage, tell him to 'save himself' first. And only after that, will you and he be able to mend this marriage and get it back on track. It will take counselling and a lot of willpower, strength and committment from him...to understand that what he has done-has been a painful journey for you, as well. He needs to take responsibility for that. And if no changes are evident,over time, then he is not contributing to this marriage, is he? On;y his hard work and efforts will be the only way this can even remotely be salvaged.
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A
female
reader, smoooches0814 +, writes (27 September 2007):
 Yes you should leave! You said you have kids and to keep it in mind, well you need to keep it in mind. Do you really want your kids growing up in this type of environment? NO! My mother is an alcoholic. Its a disease that you choose. You dont choose to become adicted but if you know your family has a history of alcoholism, which most alcoholics do, then why would you drink. If you have it in your family than you have what is called, an adictive personality. That means you are more likely than he average person to become adicted to such things as alcohol and drugs. My mother is still an alcoholic and always will be. People dont think that its not really a big deal, but its a HUGE deal! Alcoholics are the best actors in the world. They will tell you a bold faced lie and youd believe it cause it sounds so true. My mom would hide the alcohol in closets drawers, outside in the ditch, under my bed and say it was mine. She has said many times that she will quit but we know she wont. We have paid about $20,000 for rehab for her. Rehab doesnt do a damn thing unless you actually want to get better. She and my stepfather have been divoced for 2 years now and i have 3 other siblings. We love her, but we cannot live like this. She has to have the will power to change, and she doesnt have it. Same with your husband, he will tell you that he will change and stop drinking and blahblahblah. Dont believe him. Keep yourself and your children safe! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Serinity +, writes (27 September 2007):
Serinity is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all so much for the advice. It really helps to keep me grounded. I just want an outside option to know that I'm doing the right thing. Is anyone familiar with the covenant of marraige? Am I committing a sin by leaving my marriage under these circumstances?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): Because of the children you should stay away... What he is doin and saying is like emtional black mail. Telling you he has no one to support cos he has driven everyone away.
Never mind him not knowing - your living your life every day not knowing what state he will be in when he comes home or if he comes home!!!
Stay strong and stay away.
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A
male
reader, Uncle Trev  +, writes (26 September 2007):
The funny thing here is now there is a good chance he will go to jail where he will obviously go without alcahol - he has got to go cold turkey and so wants you to hang about for him whilst he is there.
For god's sake ditch this loser, not only for your sake but for the sake of your children too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): Guilt? Guilt for what? For not enabling a man who has verbally and physically abused you when he has chosen the wrong path in 'his' life and dragged you and two kids into his hellish nightmare. Wake up, woman! Of course you took yourself and two kids out of this and for a darned good reason, the going got pretty rough and you are saving the emotional integrity of your family and providing safety and protection for you and two small kids who depend on you. So now he may go to jail because he screwed up..he made the wrong choice and he's upset because he has no moral support? This is what you feel 'guilt' about. Where was his 'moral support' when he used you as a punching bag, hun?
He's hit rock bottom..he right where his bad behaviors have taken him. Leave him to that and get out. Save the lives and emotional well being of your children. You are their Mother..you need to do this. Even though he knows how you feel about him and it's clear you 'love' him, I think you have put in huge efforts and tolerated enough BS..in other words, you have twice gone farther than you should've went. It’s time for you to grieve and get over him..it's time to be stronger than you ever have been and it's time to put on the brakes, once and for all. You have wasted too much time and energies forcing yourself to believe he is the right person for you, even though all along, you knew he is not. Get to a lawyer and divorce the man.
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A
female
reader, leanne.od +, writes (26 September 2007):
 you need to stay away and stop contacting him, he is stil using his control and mental abusive by making you question your actions. he's acting like a victim when he is the one who has done the unthinkable and abused you in everyway possible, stripping you of your self esteem and confidence, wuestioning your judgements and loyalty.
he's scared because he's going to jail and has nobody, but what about all the times you were afraid of him and had nobody? did he think about you when he sat drowning in self pity and drinking himself into oblivion?
this man needs help but you can't give it to him, once you go back to him, he'll have won and you won't be able to escape his clutches twice because he'll grind you down.
his children deserve to see him, if, he can get himself sobar and keep out of prison and prove his ways have changed, but you need to wait for at least a year, it's not going to happen overnight, but at the moment, he needs the help of specialists and not you.
don't feel guilty and feel proud of yourself for leaving and not allowing your children grow up believing alcoholism, violence and abuse is the right way to live.
i wish you all the best - stay strong.
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